This is culinary sacrilege, I know, but I have to tell you: I hate mayonnaise. Hate it.

I understand that it’s a classic French sauce and that this terrifying emulsion of egg yolks and oil brings much-needed moisture to the all-American sandwich. I also understand that not liking (oh I mean hating) mayonnaise may, in some circles, be viewed as unpatriotic, a sin against one’s country and one’s people.

I don’t care, if you touch me with that stuff I’ll kill you.

I don’t know when it started because I can’t remember a single time when I thought mayonnaise was good. In junior high, I had a nightmare about a friend chasing me with a jar of mayonnaise. I avoid entire genres of food (potato salad, deli counter sandwiches) because I fear it so much.

Mayonnaise loving “friends” (I put “friends” in quotes because you never know when a mayo lover will turn on you) wax philosophically about the stuff, claiming it is some sort of nectar of the gods. One such “friend,” who will remain nameless, refers to mayo as “egg and oil pudding” because it’s so good he wants to eat it with a spoon. Gaack. Not only do I not want to eat it, I don’t even want it to touch my skin.

Just days ago, a friend was driving down the highway and saw a Jetta with a bumper sticker that read “Mayonnaise is the Devil” and called to see if the driver was me. I wish I knew where to get that sticker…Google hasn’t helped.

Throughout my life mayo lovers have tried to convince me that I’m crazy. “Just try homemade mayonnaise once and you’ll love it,” they’d smile, their lips glistening with eggy oiliness.

I’ve tried homemade mayo, even made it myself, and trust me, there’s nothing good about it.

Don’t believe me? There’s a Worldwide I Hate Mayonnaise club (you can get a printable membership certificate here) started by Honolulu Star Bulletin columnist Charles Memminger. There are myspace and tribe anti-mayo groups and NoMayo.com is dedicated to the glory of all condiments, except one.

Of course, in the interest of being fair (OK, just a little fair, mayo is still gross) I should also mention that there are plenty of people out there who love mayonnaise. (Thank goodness, we haters also have our own shirts.)

The divide between mayo lovers and mayo haters is so great that former Bay Area News Group reporter Elizabeth Jardina even wrote about it in 2005.

So the question remains: To love, or not to love. I say May-NO! What do you say?

– Jenny Slafkosky