Will I ever learn? I knew it was going to be a crash and burn before I even started, but our Colombian exchange student had requested it. For the good-bye potluck, she wanted creamy noodles with chicken. How could I refuse?

Of course, anyone with any sense would have boiled some noodles, slathered them with a jar of alfredo sauce and called it done. Not me. Oh no. I saute some chicken, then add a little black forest ham to the pan for extra flavor. I mince an onion to create a flavor base for my cream sauce, then add garlic for a bit of kick. I make a roux, then stir in freshly grated Parmigiano Reggiano until the flavor of the sauce is nearly perfect. I dust the sauce with white pepper and declare it perfect.

Just before time to leave, I cook up the noodles and top them with the (now too thick) sauce. Result: A gloppy mass of inedibility; a dish so unappealing that I nearly laugh out loud. Desperate to un-glop the noodles, I chop up the noodles. It’s hopeless. It still resembles a mountain of silicone. I pour milk into the noodles and frantically stir. The cheese is too cold. I try stuffing the dish in the microwave. It doesn’t fit.

I throw my hands up in the air, cover it and pretend it’s food. I sneak it into the buffet, making sure no one sees the dish in question. As I eat and share conversation with a lovely woman, I can’t help but notice that she’s eaten every other bite of food on her plate — except my silicone noodles. I offer to take her plate to the trash, and make a note: Creamy noodles don’t keep and they don’t travel. They are not, repeat NOT, potluck food.

3:41 p.m., Friday:

In order to make it to 5 p.m. today, I will require candy. This is unusual - on any normal day, a bag of chips or crackers or nuts would do the trick. But at about 3:35 I’m hit with an all-encompassing, no-holds-barred NEED for candy. Mysteriously, the basket of Starbursts (those chewy little cubes of fruitiness) that always resides on my co-worker’s desk has disappeared. (Not me, I swear it.)

I pop out of my cubicle like a panicked squirrel - nose twitching, skittering one direction, then the other. I fumble for change while I pass the bank of editors, carefully clacking away on their keyboards. Can’t talk. Must get candy.

I have to wait at the vending machine.

Small talk? NO SMALL TALK! ONLY CANDY! *pant pant pant*

I eye the Snickers. Peanuts count as protein, right? But the thought of my co-worker’s missing Starbursts is haunting me. I want chewy, fruity goodness, I want…SCORE! Tropical Skittles!

I rip the bag open, pop a pink one into my mouth and shut my eyes. It tastes like sweet, fruity….plastic. “Strawberry Starfruit,” so the package claims. The Kiwi Lime, Mango Tangelo, Pineapple Passionfruit and Banana Berry aren’t much better. They’re chewy all right. They’re sweet, too. But I’m left confused, my tongue dyed slightly purple. What was this candy craving anyway? And will my tastebuds ever forgive me? _ Jenny Slafkosky

Does your blender lack torque? Are you embarassed by errant ice chunks in your smoothies? Perhaps you’d like to whip up a batch of blended drinks whilst trekking through the Yukon?(Plenty of free ice there, donchaknow!) Then the obvious choice is to let Instructables help you hack your Hamilton Beach.

Photo by Phinch

This gas-powered, portable blender posted by Instructables user Phinch isn’t the first of its kind on earth - you can get them at Blender Blaster and Daquiri Whacker among other places. But why shell out $400 for one of these puppies if you can make it yourself? All you need is…well, just read the Instructable.

OK, that’s not my line, it’s Jim Gaffigan’s, and his stand-up routine about bacon is very worth watching, if you happen to like bacon.

But what to eat while watching it? How about Mo’s Bacon Bar by Vosges Haute Chocolate?


Mmmm, bacon and chocolate. Two great tastes that taste great together.

Seriously, I’m not kidding.

The heady mix of milk chocolate and applewood smoked bacon is sweet and salty, salty and sweet…and MEATY. If you’ve never tried this combo, you MUST. It’s so wrong, it’s right. — Jenny Slafkosky

It’s the year of the pickle. At least that’s what I’ve decided. Mostly because the Mt. Olive Pickle Co. sent me a calendar proclaiming the year of the pickle, along with a handy picklePAK (notice the hip, youth-friendly combined use of lower- and uppercase letters, so very reminiscent of the iPod). If you’ve never seen a picklePAK, let me show it to you:

Glorious isn’t it? All the little pickles bobbing around in their juice, just waiting for you to pop open the top and spill it all over your pants. I like pickles, and I like that Mt. Olive has made them even more portable – or at least provided cuter packaging for them. Sometimes I just shake the picklePAK and watch the little pickles swim around…

OK, that’s weird.

So let me distract you by telling you about an even slicker pickle product: The Pickle Sickle.

Do you like pickles? Do you like Popsicles? Why not combine them and kill two birds with one stone? Or just kill your tastebuds. Even the press release says this is a “surprisingly popular” snack. To tell the truth, I really want to try one. I can kind of see myself getting into it – a hot day down by the lake, after a couple cheap beers in cans, a Pickle Sickle might be just what I need: Tangy, cold, salty, aseptically sealed. I’m totally down with it. I’m going to order a box online www.picklesickle.com and I’ll give you a full report once I try one.

(Have you already tried one? Comment for goodness sake!)

Want some more pickle-related fun? Here you can dress up a cartoon pickle in wigs and glasses (but you need a plugin). Or perhaps you’d like to hear a pickle song?

Got a favorite brand of pickle? Tell me about it.

(For the record, I am particularly fond of Claussen Kosher Dill Halves which seem to have no official home on the internet. Here’s the unofficial site.) Or, for more pickle love, you can visit ilovepickles.com. _ Jenny Slafkosky

Got hungry ears? I sure do. When I’m not reading and writing about food (or cooking it) I’m listening to songs about food. Here’s a list of tasty nuggets, lifted straight from my iPod (and with some selected lyrics), to satisfy your aural appetite.

“Vegetables” – Beach Boys
I’m gonna be round my vegetables
I’m gonna chow down my vegetables
I love you most of all
My favorite vege-table

“Pass the Beets” – Mopmonster
I’m so sad and lonely
Can you feel my heart at beat
And I am so hungry
Would you please pass me the beets
Mopmonster has an entire album about food called “Food Metal” which you can get here.

“Pickle Song” – Duncan Wells
But you can’t eat pickles all the time
that’s what my mother said
cos if you do, you’ll turn into
a great big pickle head

“Johnny Saucep’n” – Moxy Fruvous
Basil endive parmesan shrimp live
Lobster hamster worchester muenster
Caviar radicchio snow pea scampi
Roquefort meat squirt blue beef red alert
Pork hocks side flank cantaloupe sheep shanks
Provolone flatbread goat’s head soup
Gruyere cheese angelhair please
And a vichyssoise and a cabbage and a crawfish claws

“Pork Roll Egg & Cheese” – Ween
So mom, if you please, pass me the pork roll egg and cheese
If you please, on a kaiser bun

“Red Beans & Rice” – Spearhead
The way to my heart/ is with a garlic clove
it smells hella sexy/ when it’s on the kitchen stove

“Cigarettes & Chocolate Milk” – Rufus Wainwright
Cigarettes and chocolate milk
these are just a couple of my cravings
everything it seems i like’s a little bit stronger
a little bit thicker
a little bit harmful for me

“C is for Cookie” – Cookie Monster
C is for cookie that’s good enough for me,
Oh! cookie, cookie, cookie starts with C!

“Goat Cheese” – Tywanna Jo Baskette\
Did they pull your udders? Did they pull your udders? Did they pull your udders?
When you gave me your goat cheese?

“Milk” – Garbage
I am milk
I am red hot kitchen
And I am cool
Cool as the deep blue ocean

“One For My Baby (And One More for the Road)” – Billie Holiday
We’re drinking my friend, to the end
Of a brief episode
Make it one for my baby
And one more for the road

“Tuna” – Hooverphonic
Micro liquid feelings
Will never solve
Pacific problems
Exotic fish will never be able to walk

“Warm Beer and Cold Women” – Tom Waits
Warm beer and cold women, I just don’t fit in
every joint I stumbled into tonight
that’s just how it’s been

“Watermelon Hangin’ on a Vine” – Bill Monroe
No lyrics, but some darn good fiddlin’

“Nosering Girl” – Nerf Herder
(Not technically a song about food, but has some great food-related lyrics)
And she was the kind of girl who you
would give up eating meat for
No more salami
No more steak or potatoes
Yeah you would walk on down to the health food store
And buy hummus and tabouli and babaganoush
and ricecakes ricecakes ricecakes

Want to see an even better and much more comprehensive list of food songs that aren’t simply lifted from my iPod? Check out: http://www.mixedup.com/foodsongs.htm