We’re not usually paranoid, but maybe … a cabal of publicists is out to get us. How else do you explain baby products like baby tattoos, sanitized glovies, or the peepee teepee? Hint: those are not wizard hats to your left.
1. Anyone who’s ever diapered a baby boy is familiar with the Unexpected Splash. Sure, you could drape a kleenex or washcloth over your son’s member, change his diaper faster or just endure the occasional splashy surprise for the couple of weeks it takes for the problem to resolve itself … or you could spend $12 on a cone-shaped Peepee Teepee decorated with skulls.
2. Germophobic? Now, you can buy Glovies, disposable sanitary handcovers – aka plastic gloves – for your kids! Not just for nasty public restrooms, the ad copy urges. Your child should wear them on the bus, the supermarket and playground too. ($15 for 18 pairs. But if you’re looking to turn your kid into the dweeb of the preschool set, plastic gloves are just 15 cents at the hardware store. We’re just saying.)
3. You know when you go to the beach and get all damp and sandy? Your mom probably used that old trick of sprinkling baby powder or talc on your legs. The sand wipes away, without taking a layer of dermis with it. But now, through the miracle of modern marketing, you can buy a Powder Pouch! It’s a $12 camouflage, drawstring pouch that holds your baby powder in case, ya know, the container the baby powder comes in isn’t doing it for you.
4. Newborn doesn’t look edgy enough? Have you considered a Baby Tattoo? Spiked pacifiers, strollers with flames and pirate emblems ($4.99) … because, as the ad copy says, “those innocent little minds do indeed have a darker side.” Um, no. No, they don’t.
5. And finally … can we interest you in Baby Perfume? For just $38.99, these perfumes will make your little darling, ages 1 month to 3 years, smell like marshmallows, citrus or raspberries. The alcohol-free mixture is so safe, says the ad, you can sprinkle it on your tot several times a day! And here we thought simply changing his diaper would make baby smell better.