Thousand dollar strollers, 400-thread count crib sheets … Why, what’s that merry sound? That would be baby accessory manufacturers, laughing all the way to the bank because apparently,we’ll buy anything - uber-Bugaboos, baby perfume, infant penis covers, even baby powder sifters. And now, here’s even more stuff you don’t need…

1. Can we interest you in a Baby Safe Feeder ($6.25)? It’s the product of choice for parents who don’t want their babies to choke - but don’t want go to all the bother of, ya know, spooning up baby food or dicing peaches or something. Now, they can feed their kids through a net.

2. Whenever we change a leaky, stinky diaper, we always think… this would be so much more fun if our changing pad was made of leopard-print fur ($165)…

3. And it would go so well with this luxury diaper pad with body-contouring memory foam insert ($47). Because heaven knows, when you’ve got a 10-pounder atop a diaper pad for oh, 45 seconds at a time, ya gotta cushion “baby’s sensitive pressure points.”

4. OK, every parent has experienced a toddler bathroom emergency at some point and been forced to re-purpose a container for that, er, purpose. (And may we just say that ziplock bags are indeed watertight … thank heavens.) But a Florida mom wants you to buy her Nalgene Pee Pee Bottles ($9.99) and carry them *everywhere* you go, because it helps “reinforce” toilet training.

Um, you’re teaching your child to pee into people’s water bottles.

5. And finally, Boogie Wipes. A scented, saline-drenched wipe designed to remove crusty boogers? Can we throw up now? Oh, we don’t doubt that the wipes work, but folks, do you really need booger-specific wipes? Use a wash cloth and water. From the tap. (There’s no telling where that water bottle has been.)