Thousand dollar strollers, 400-thread count crib sheets … Why, what’s that merry sound? That would be baby accessory manufacturers, laughing all the way to the bank because apparently,we’ll buy anything - uber-Bugaboos, baby perfume, infant penis covers, even baby powder sifters. And now, here’s even more stuff you don’t need…
1. Can we interest you in a Baby Safe Feeder ($6.25)? It’s the product of choice for parents who don’t want their babies to choke - but don’t want go to all the bother of, ya know, spooning up baby food or dicing peaches or something. Now, they can feed their kids through a net.
2. Whenever we change a leaky, stinky diaper, we always think… this would be so much more fun if our changing pad was made of leopard-print fur ($165)…
I’m getting a little annoyed at the whole “hot moms” movement that’s so popular on TV shows, and in radio contests, blogs, etc.
First we had the M.I.L.F thing. And if I have to define that, go read some blogs about baby poop with tips for where to buy a cool stroller. And then we had the whole celebrity mom movement. Celebrity women began having babies like they were the newest designer handbags. All of a sudden, the post-partum belly became referred to as “baby weight.”
Hmmm. As if one could somehow categorize exactly where each extra pound came from. “Oh, darling, this isn’t the pint of Ben & Jerry’s I snarfed during month 8, this is the BABY WEIGHT.” Puh leeze. Fat is fat, no matter how honorably acquired. But I digress.
Being pregnant, giving birth and moving on to full-time motherhood is hard enough, people. We gain weight, stress out our hormones, lose massive amounts of sleep, breastfeed, get barfed on, clean up toddler pee from the steps of big sister’s bunkbed (oh, wait, that was just at my house, last week).
Many of us do all the above AND work AND pay bills AND clean the house. (No, we’re not BITTER, NOT ONE BIT)!!! But it’s worth every second when our little reason for living screams “Kill it, kill it,” at the mosquito in the dining room.
And now we are supposed to be hot as well? We’re supposed to throw our already fragile mental states further out of whack by competing in contests about who looks the hottest????
Okaaaaay, just a thought … but if you’re planning to break any laws or commit school-banned infractions, it’s probably best not to advertise it before the fact. A University of Buffalo basketball star was suspended last week after university officials discovered he’d posted a Facebook ad looking for someone to do his homework. Here ’tis:
“I am paying anybody who have read the book ‘there are no children here’ by Alex Kotlowitz $30-40 which in some classes you have to read at UB (even more money if you have to read the book a little more!!) to write a 3-4 page paper, on a couple questions which was assigned.”
OK, hiring someone to write your essay? Wrong. So very wrong. Inability to string together a grammatically correct sentence after three years of college? So very much wrong-er.
So naturally, now we’re wondering what - and who - really constitutes a “bad influence” on children. Punch a button on our poll, or click “comments” and weigh in.
A postal worker delivering mail in Albany, N.Y., caught a 1-year-old girl as she fell from a second-story window. Lisa Harrell looked up to see a baby hanging out of an open bedroom window. The next thing she knew, the child had fallen into her arms. (For more on the story, read here.)
So, how did this happen? Apparently, the girl’s mother had moved a bed close to an open window. She placed the baby on the bed and turned away for just a moment. As any parent knows, that’s all it takes. Fortunately, the child sustained no injuries. Talk about a special delivery.
Wait’ll you get a load of “My Beautiful Mommy,” the first picture book to tell the 4- to 7-year-old crowd all about Mommy’s tummy tuck, booby lift and nose job. The author, a Florida plastic surgeon and father of four, said the book is designed to reassure children about “mommy makeovers,” the plastic surgery that “fixes” all those saggy, wrinkly things that happen to your body after you give birth, breastfeed and, ya know, live with kids. Or just live.
“It is for the mom who has already booked her plastic surgery,” author Michael Salzhauer told Reuters reporters, “and now has to tell her kids why she is going to be in bed, why daddy is picking the kids up from school and all those other issues.”
As you might guess, the book, self-published through a vanity press, which is marvelously appropriate here, is igniting controversy … particularly the pages where the Saggy, Wrinkly Mommy says things like, “As I got older, my body stretched and I couldn’t fit into my clothes anymore. Dr Michael is going to help fix that and make me feel better.” Mommy won’t be different, “just prettier!”
We know, right? When we can’t fit into our clothes, we book an appointment in the OR, PDQ, ya know? Read the rest of this entry »
Just when we think we’ve heard everything comes proof that we are oh so wrong. A story in this month’s Philadelphia Magazine tips us to the latest trend in grade school beauty care: facials, mani/pedis and bikini waxes. Here’s an excerpt from Carrie Denny’s story:
After years in the beauty biz, Engle had seen her share of crazy ladies demanding perfect, Glamour-cover-worthy brows. But this Crazy Lady wasn’t talking about her own brows. The brows in question belonged to Crazy Lady’s daughter. Who was eight.
After sweating through the kid’s eyebrow wax, Engle, today an aesthetician at the Adolf Biecker Salon/Spa outposts in the Rittenhouse Hotel and Strafford — and, it should be noted, one of the most sought-after eyebrow specialists in the region — was directed to give her pint-size client a … bikini wax… Read the rest of this entry »
We’re not usually paranoid, but maybe … a cabal of publicists is out to get us. How else do you explain baby products like baby tattoos, sanitized glovies, or the peepee teepee? Hint: those are not wizard hats to your left.
1. Anyone who’s ever diapered a baby boy is familiar with the Unexpected Splash. Sure, you could drape a kleenex or washcloth over your son’s member, change his diaper faster or just endure the occasional splashy surprise for the couple of weeks it takes for the problem to resolve itself … or you could spend $12 on a cone-shaped Peepee Teepee decorated with skulls. Read the rest of this entry »
Note to would-be felons: When shoplifting, it’s probably best to retrieve all your belongings - including your child - before leaving the store. In his haste to flee the scene of his crime, the meat department of a local supermarket, a Dutch thief left his 12-year-old son behind. When contacted by police, the guy refused to come back, saying the cops should call the boy’s mother instead.
News of budget cuts and teacher layoffs continues to flow - and we’ll get to that later this week - but first let’s turn our attention to the weirdest headlines of the week, starting with a Florida sixth grader who peed in a lunchbox because, according to classmates, their teacher told him to. The boy’s mother called the school to complain that the first-year teacher would not let her child use the restroom, and that he was forced to go behind a classroom bookcase and relieve himself in a lunchbox. School administrators have put the teacher on paid leave while they investigate, and the school board’s attorney says the entire affair is “beyond our comprehension.” Read the rest of this entry »
Thousand dollar strollers, 400-thread count crib sheets … Why, what’s that merry sound? That would be baby accessory manufacturers, laughing all the way to the bank because apparently,we’ll buy anything - uber-Bugaboos, baby perfume, infant penis covers, even baby powder sifters. And now, here’s even more stuff you don’t need…
o buy a cool stroller. And then we had the whole celebrity mom movement. Celebrity women began having babies like they were the newest designer handbags. All of a sudden, the post-partum belly became referred to as “baby weight.”
