Bottoms Up

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Twas The Beer Before Christmas: A Brewery Visit From St. Nicholas

By Jay Brooks
Thursday, December 24th, 2009 at 6:01 pm in On Beer.

santa-anchor
While not widely known, St. Nicholas, among his many patronages includes brewers. He is a patron saint of brewers. The way we think of St. Nick in America begins with the publication of Twas the Night Before Christmas: A Visit From St, Nicholas by Clement C. Moore in 1823. So with my tongue firmly set in my cheek, I decided to rewrite Moore’s masterpiece, moving his visit from the home to the brewery. Hoppy Christmas. Enjoy.

Twas the Beer Before Christmas:
A Brewery Visit From St. Nicholas

‘Twas the beer before Christmas, when down in the brewery
Not a bottle was stirring, not a mouse dared to scurry;
The hoses were hung by the kettle with care
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would drink there;

The bottles, like children, nestled snug in their beds,
While visions of candi sugar fermented their heads;
The brewers, in hoodies, gave just the impression,
They’d all settled down for long winter’s session,

When outside by the tanks there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the brewery to see what was the matter.
Away to rollup I flew like a flash,
Tore open the lock, the door flew up with a crash.

The moon on the breast of the newly-paved tarmack
Gave the lustre of stout looking velvety black,
When, what to my sobering eyes should appear,
But a miniature delivery wagon, and eight kegs of beer,

With a little old brewmaster, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than fermenting his brewers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:

Now, Vinnie! now, Tomme!, now, Batman and Rob! 1
On, Garrett! on, Sam! on, Greg Koch and Fritz! 2
To the top of the jockey box! To the top of the cask!
Now drink away! drink away! drink away the whole flask!”

As dry hopping that before the wild bittering fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, toast a drink to the sky;
So up to the brewery-top the brewers they flew,
With the wagon full of Beers, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, glasses tinkling, I heard on the roof
The toasting and drinking of each little goof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Out the fermenter St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in red, from his toes to his top,
And his coveralls were soiled with spent grain and hops;
A carton of Beers he had flung on his back,
And his rubber boots squeaked as he opened his pack.

His besotted eyes—how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were all rosy, like New Glarus cherry!
His droll little mouth was beseeching our pardon,
And the beard of his chin was as white as Hoegaarden;

The end of a zwickel3 he held tight in one hand,
While the other held Watermelon Wheat that was canned;
He had a beer belly, that bent two stumpy legs,
That shook when he laughed, like a half-emptied keg.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old brewer,
And I drank when I saw him, for what could be truer;
A wink of his eye as he poured generous heads,
Soon gave me to know he would join us instead;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And emptied the bottles; then sat with a smirk,
And raising his glass, he gave the first toast,
Then each brewer, in turn, drank to his own riposte;

Then he sprang to his wagon, to his brewers gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like a hop torpedo missile.
But I heard his last toast, ere he drove out of here,
“Hoppy Christmas to all, and to all drink good beer.”

santa-watermelon

1. Vinnie Cilurzo, from Russian River Brewing, Tomme Arthur, from Port Brewing/The Lost Abbey, Batman a.k.a. Matt Brynildsohn, from Firestone Walker Brewing and Rob Todd, from Allagash Brewing.
2. Garrett Oliver, from Brooklyn Brewery, Sam Calagione, from Dogfish Head Brewery, Greg Koch, from Stone Brewing and Fritz Maytag, from Anchor Brewery.
3. A Zwickel is a key that allows the master brewer to taste directly from the fermenting tank to insure the brewing is proceeding as expected. In Germany breweries, usually only the brewmaster has a zwickel and it’s a highly coveted item. There’s also a style of beer known as zwickel or zwickelbier, which is usually an unfiltered version of a particular beer style and is sometimes referred to as Kellerbier, too.

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  • Duke of Dunkel

    Rhyming brewery with scurry right off the bat makes for a wobbly start, Jay, but it pales in comparison to the train wreck in the sixth stanza. Just how much beer do you have to drink to get Rob rhyme with Fritz??

    ;)

    Other than that, very nice effort.

  • jbrookston

    Fair points, though brewery/scurry came straight from the rhyming dictionary. The brewers names, on the other hand, were a nightmare so I just gave up preferring just to include eight well-known ones. I have a year to improve them now.