So I just got back from a screening of Cloverfield and can I be the first of many to call it a “Blair Witch Project” meets “Alien” meets “Godzilla” meets “Sex and the City”

Okay, I only threw “Sex and the City” in there because it takes place in Manhattan.

The iconic headless Miss Liberty of “Cloverfield”

So what is the movie about? In short, guy scores a job in Japan, has a fling with a hot girl, has a surprise going away party before he goes to Japan, finds out hot girl has a boyfriend (or something like it), guy and hot girl argue, she leaves party, monster attacks city, party is over, guy and three friends try to find hot girl because guy gets call and hears that she’s in trouble, terror ensues as they roam the city dodging said monster.

Simple, huh?

There are many moments in the movie where I almost peed in my pants. Mainly because I drank one of those 33.8 oz. bottles of Smart Water beforehand - but there was suspense, terror, shock, explosions, a giant alien monster, gross-out moments and a fun going away party in the beginning that I probably wouldn’t be cool enough to be invited to. Most of all, I managed to hold my water throughout the whole movie like “Sybil.”

The J.J. Abrams/Drew Goddard/Matt Reeves machine is top notch in my book. They have made the “Monster-attacks-metropolitan-city” genre cool again with their reality-show, point-of-view methodology.

I don’t know if it’s because J.J. was attached to this, but there was just something about the balanced mix of humor, mystery, sci-fi, action and drama that really enticed me - much like “Lost”. The team of three managed to make a monster movie grounded.

It’s one of those movies that reminds you what movies are supposed to do: take you on a thrill ride. It knocks you around, plays with your emotions and brings about unexpected fun, hope, disappointment and sadness- much like a relationship with a significant other. Nonetheless, it’s a thrill ride that I wouldn’t mind going on again.

Okay, I better stop my self-important review before I start to step on toes of any of our movie reviewers (God forbid I do that!), but let me say one more thing - J.J. Abrams, you are my idol - and you too, Matt Reeves. Oh yeah, I can’t forget Drew Goddard. But I think J.J. and Matt are at the top of my list because of Felicity.

Can I be friends with you guys? I don’t even have to talk when I’m around you. I’ll just breathe in the same air and stare at you uncomfortably.

Okay. That’s creepy.

Nonetheless, the star of this movie wasn’t the monster. It wasn’t the special effects. And it wasn’t even the storyline of “I got to find my girlfriend before she gets eaten by this giant alien salamander.” It was the fact that actress Jessica Lucas’s character Lily, managed to run around a faux-apocalyptic Manhattan in considerable heels and a cute babydoll dress - and still managed to work her hotness.

In addition to that, actor Michael Stahl-David kept his tie on long after the monster attacked - he even kept his blazer on! He is such a dapper man. I would expect to see this guy in a gentleman’s magazine soon. Not necessarily cover material, but a small feature or photo shoot on him. He has that dreamy kind of look even when he’s all bloody and sweaty,

And then there’s Lizzy Caplan as the smart-mouthed Marlena. Her boots were a little tall, but she did keep that jewelry on! And then there’s this one part in the movie where she….okay, I won’t spoil it for you. But it’s so COOL!

Oh yeah, and do you remember Caplan from Mean Girls? It took me a while to realize who she was, but then I realized that she was JANIS - the outcast artsy girl! I loved her in that. She used the term “ax wound” in that movie, a term that I would like to think I invented.

Side note: T.J. Miller as Hud (who’s barely on camera because he’s the documentarian), gives some great deadpan humor that make you laugh even though Manhattan is getting mauled by a monster.

Stahl-David, Caplan and Lucas still look like they are ready for a stylish party even though their city is being attacked.

Isn’t it amazing how people can still look sexy in movies even if they are going through hell? I mean, if this movie were real and I was in this situation. I’d be lookin’ like a hot mess.

Then there is the token hot girl, Odette Yustman as Beth (not to say that the others weren’t), but they played this girl up like a diva. I mean, look at the dress she wore to the party:

Come on, who wears a glamorous dress like this to a party at an apartment? I knew she was probably trying to get some from Rob (Stahl-David), but it just looks like she’s trying too hard. She does look beautiful though.

So the moral of this movie is: Make sure you look your best when an alien monster attacks your city because there might be a documentarian filming the entire thing.

P.S. I never really got the meaning of the title. According to IMDB it says, “The title “Cloverfield”; initially just a codename for the movie, is named for the boulevard in Santa Monica where the Bad Robot offices were located during the making of the film.” As we all know, IMDB is not always a reliable source. That said - J.J., Matt, Drew - give me a call and we’ll talk about it over coffee some time.