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Togo’s and gorillas need our help

By Tony Hicks
Saturday, August 4th, 2007 at 1:46 pm in Uncategorized.

I just saw a magazine cover with a gorilla on it. The headline referred to how gorillas face new dangers threatening their very existence. Which is a terrible, terrible thing. Anyone who kills a gorilla should be beheaded on the spot. Twice. In fact, I’d like it a lot if someone would teach the gorillas how to use firearms to defend themselves. It’s not like they aren’t smart.
But you know what else faces exitinction? It terrifies me to even think about the ramifications…

Togo’s.

This morning I noticed a Togo’s down the street from my new residence, which made me scream out loud in joy (which, predictably, frightened the people in the car next to me). I’m so happy because Togo’s shops seem to be closing everywhere. And that makes me very, very sad.

Maybe Al Gore and I could put together a benefit concert for Togo’s.

I don’t know if it’s the infestious growth of Quizno’s or, even worse, those rotten Subway franchises. Even if Subway didn’t totally take all the gold medals in the Olympics of Food Suckiness – and it does – I wouldn’t want to eat there just because they still employ that Jared guy.

Can you imagine what would hapen if Jared got fired? He’d be back to to 700 pounds in about three weeks.

Guess what Jared – you could’ve lost weight eating yummy Togo’s sandwiches – if you would’ve laid off slathering your sandwiches with 19 pounds of mayo and seven layers of cheese. But then you might’ve got a job at Togo’s, forcing me to boycott the most yummylicious sandwiches ever.
I hope someone catches Jared trying to eat a gorilla. Then they could administer the justice he so rightly deserves.

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