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Archive for September, 2007

Respect Kanye (Or Else).

This just in: Kanye West has destroyed an entire Southern California supermarket after not winning the cake-of-the-day contest in the bakery department.

No deaths were reported, but three blue-haired bakery workers were taken to the hospital for shock, after West knocked over a display case of bear claws, screaming something about not being properly respected by the supermarket establishment.

I don’t care how good Kanye West is — and he has his moments — but, for the most part, is either overrated or benefiting from a weak era in hip-hop. It’s hard to tell. I have his new record and every time I get close to listening to it, I read something about his complaining about being disrespected, or whatever, and I immediately would prefer hearing Marie Osmond sing “Paper Roses.”

Last week, West was at a Us Weekly party in L.A. when MTV — who had the nerve to nominate him for five Video Music Awards earlier this month — tried filming a red carpet interview conducted by the magazine, according to the Us Weekly’s website.

The rapper “swatted away the MTV cameras, telling the cameraman and producer, ‘I have nothing against you, just your bosses.’ ”

The producer protested, “I have nothing to do with that, man,” but Kanye kept his hand over the lens during his entire interview with Us.”

West, of course, didn’t win any of the five awards for which he was nominated. He has a history of throwing fits at award shows when he doesn’t win. I get it … my posse and I rushed the stage at last year’s Pulitzer presentation. It’s a matter of respect …

Hey pal, look on the bright side. You didn’t win any of the five awards for which you were nominated. But on the other hand, you’re not Britney Spears either.

Posted on Sunday, September 30th, 2007
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Down Goes Hicks.

Experts say it’s better to interact and play with your children than just stick them on front of the TV.

Experts are stupid.

I was leaving work with my daughter last evening when she spotted the big trees and lawn on the side of CCT HQ. She had this fantastic idea that we could play hide-and-seek.

Well, this sounded fun, I decided. I hid behind some paper racks bordering the lawn. She found me and I took off running with her in hot pursuit. Unfortunately, I didn’t see the massive mud puddle, next to these giant tree roots coming out of the ground.

I slipped, falling harder than Michael Spinks at the end of a Tyson right cross. I was wearing shorts, and my ankle and knee hit the giant tree root and slid, taking about seven layers of skin. The rest of me ended up in the mud.

When I got up, I looked like the Swamp Thing – only bloodier. Which made my daughter laugh uproariously at my misfortune, proving beyond the scope of any DNA test that she really is my daughter.

But then – because she’s 5 – she realized I was in pain. So she started crying. I tried to hug her, but she ran away, either because she didn’t want to get muddy, or I suddenly looked like Bigfoot.

Someone came out of the building a few minutes later, when I was limping to the car and leaving a trail of blood. I was walking like Frankenstein, thanks to the hardening mud covering most of me. The person froze, not knowing what to do: offer help, hose me down, take custody of the small girl from the vicious swamp creature, or call security.

They opted to go back inside and forget they ever saw me. I drove home and showered.

I’m too old for this stuff.

Posted on Thursday, September 27th, 2007
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Playing Possum

I just had an encounter with a wild animal in my front yard last night. And I’m pretty sure Gary Bogue would approve of my methods.

Then again …

There was a ruckus next door, and my roommate came in from the front yard, saying the neighbors reported a possum was trapped on the fence, between the top and some lattice on my neighbor’s side.

Well, I wasn’t about to stand for that – especially since I used to tackle alligators for a living with Steve Irwin in Australia.

I climbed up on the fence, which may have startled my neighbors some, since they were keeping a safe 500-yard cushion between themselves and the beast. I surveyed the situation. Yep, there it was. A possum. A small possum. A hissing possum.

A possum with really sharp teeth.

I observed it for a few minutes, initiating a brief conversation with the animal, during which it refused to tell me whether it was actually trapped or not. So my next move was straight out of the official textbook of how to handle wild animals in or around your house.

I poked it with a stick.

The possum apparently didn’t like that. It hissed, then growled something in possum language to the effect of “Get that stick away from my arse, or I’ll be forced to eat the skin from your face.” But it also wasn’t trapped anymore. The last I saw of my little friend, he was running down the fence toward my backyard, screaming expletives until swallowed by darkness.

I don’t recommend anyone else try my methods for saving wildlife. I’m a professional.

I probably also have an angry possum moving into my backyard, biding its time …

Posted on Tuesday, September 25th, 2007
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Britney Spears is a Super Genius

britneycheetosSo why is it that every time I sneeze the wrong way behind the wheel – sometimes while still parked – I get a threatening letter from DMV…yet no one has figured out that Miss I Drive With My Kids Strapped To The Roof Of My SUV Britney Spears doesn’t have a California driver’s license?

Authorities on Friday announced they were charging Spears with two misdemeanors related to a fender bender she had earlier this year. I guess it’s true – you’re not supposed to hit someone’s car and drive away.

I don’t see why not. I mean, what if the owner comes outside and catches you?

It’s also apparently true that you have to have a driver’s license to actually hit someone’s else’s car in the first place.

Photo agencies can feed a small nation on what they make taking pictures of Britney Spears doing dumb things behind the wheel. It’s been scientifically proven that gerbils are better drivers. She’s on a first name basis with at least 30 case workers for Child Protective Services.

And no one has thought to check her driving record.

Yet Britney keeps getting in trouble and hasn’t thought to go get a driver’s license. Of course, this is also a woman who went drinking in clubs three straight nights last week – and let photographers take her picture – after a judge told her she can’t drink within 12 hours of seeing her children, who live with her last time CPS checked.

How are these children even still alive?

I’d like to know whether Britney Spears is a better parent than Michael Jackson. I know, it’s neck-and-neck. On one hand, you have a guy who, among other fantastically hilarious things, has held his kid over a balcony and makes them wear little masks wherever they go.

On the other hand, you have a woman who willingly mated with Kevin Federline, who’s suddenly looking like Ward Cleaver.

Posted on Saturday, September 22nd, 2007
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Hold The Freaking Mayo.

Oh my God …
I don’t really know what to say about this, other than it’s the worst thing that’s ever happened in the entire history of our planet. And maybe other planets, too.

Posted on Friday, September 21st, 2007
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Fat Girls

First off, I’m totally not sucking up to women.

Well, maybe one …

But, according to Us Weekly, on Wednesday’s “America’s Next Top Model,” Tyra Banks and the judges decided that Sarah (I don’t know who she is, but I guess they don’t use last names or something) will be this season’s “Plus-Sized Girl.”

I’ve seen this show twice and, instead of actually watching the show, I couldn’t stop watching the two women I was with, calling it like Madden and Summerall calling the Super Bowl (only with more profanity). So I don’t know what this means, other than when someone says a woman is “plus-sized,” I think of a big woman with chocolate smeared all over her face, watching Oprah for hours at a time. I don’t think of this woman as plus sized.

Sweet mother of Moses — did you see her? What’s going on around here?

Even though Britney Spears isn’t really fat, I can understand why people thought so. First off, she is bigger than she used to be, which is an impossible standard since, during her pre-child bearing years when — while still lacking talent, she was still a major entertainment draw — she had one of the most incredible bodies on this or any other planet. Though I’ve heard good things about Neptune (and thanks for noticing I tactfully avoided saying “Uranus”).

Second, Britney stumbled through a show with little energy or effort, in effect making herself seem a bit … slothy.

Is that a word … slothy? Well, anyways, it sounds like fat.

My colleague Candace Murphy — who’s a girl and all — informs me that in the United States, a plus size is an 8 or above. I don’t know what that means, but it sounds smaller than plus. And Sarah — who seems, by all accounts and scientific observation, completely hot — just doesn’t seem like a big girl.

Not that you can’t be hot AND big … I’m just saying. LOOK at that picture. I’m going to. A few more times, just to be sure.

I just don’t get it.


We have an update on Sarah, thanks to the intrepid research of my colleague George, who was also outraged enough to look at that picture a bunch of times … to make sure she really wasn’t plus-sized.

Apparently, Sarah is a burlesque dancer in Boston. And she has a last name. And — judging by this photo — still isn’t fat.

Posted on Thursday, September 20th, 2007
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Seems Like Old Times

Something was strangely familiar this morning.

I rolled out of bed, put on my ankle-length denim shorts, flannel shirt and Doc Martens. I wrapped my hair in a ponytail, fluffed the ol’ goatee, turned down the Screaming Trees CD, and flipped on the TV.

There he was. Just like seeing an old relative.

Ol’ Uncle O.J.

Crazy, homicidal, egotistical, smarmy, insane Uncle O.J.

The split screen showed the view from a helicopter, glued to loitering bystanders. Some held signs.

Oh … so there’s where that guy in the chicken suit went …

Ah, the familiar grimace. The “I-really-have-no-idea-why-I’m-here” smirk. Then, afterward, the press conference on the steps of the courthouse, with well-groomed men in expensive suits explaining how much respect they have for the justice system – as a man wearing a homemade “OJ ’07” T-shirt stands off to the side.

He must be the lead counsel.

What a break for the Bush Administration. Because, as long as O.J. Simpson is on trial — and this could drag out for a couple years if we’re lucky — no one will pay attention to anything else. The fascinating maniac is back. It’s like a reunion tour. By this time tomorrow, I expect Geraldo to have his own daily segment on at least three channels.

I don’t know if this is really hilarious or really sad. Maybe it’s hilariously sad. But we’ll all be watching, nonetheless. It’s like trying to take your eyes off the seven-car pile-up happening right before your eyes.

ALERT!!!!!! O.J. UPDATE!!!!!!!

At 12:29 p.m., under the banner “BREAKING NEWS,” CNN was showing a car they said contained O.J. Simpson who, free on bail, was — we can only assume — speeding down the freeway searching for the real kidnappers/memorabilia thieves. There’s no word on Al “A.C.” Cowlings’ whereabouts, but you can expect another update here when that information comes in from authorities.

Yes, for the first time in more than a decade, CNN is back to showing O.J. Simpson driving. And I couldn’t be happier. This is going to be the greatest winter EVER.

Oh, by the way … I have an old Cowlings football card I’d like to sell … I’ll start the bidding at $75,000 …

About 1:45 p.m., CNN and AP reported one of the two memorabilia dealers O.J. allegedly (we have to say that) yelled at, robbed, kidnapped, and was generally mean to – Alfred Beardsley – was arrested this morning in a Las Vegas hotel for a parole violation in California, following a conviction for stalking.

Of course, this wasn’t long after Beardsley – an amateur brain surgeon and nuclear scientist – appeared on the “Today” show Wednesday morning, talking about O.J. Which is the logical thing to do, if there’s a warrant out for your arrest. Get on TV and let the police know where you are, so it’ll be easier for them to find you.

I think we’ve found our Kato Kaelin circa 2007.

This is getting exhausting. But rest assured, I’m on the case … until I get hungry or something.

Posted on Wednesday, September 19th, 2007
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Hell on Earth

I didn’t wake up on the ground this morning.

For this I am thankful.

When some friends couldn’t go at the last minute, it gave me the perfect excuse to cancel a camping trip to Big Sur. I’m not sure what I was thinking when I booked it earlier this summer. But I know what I was thinking last week.

Camping, which used to be one of my favorite things, has become hell on earth.

I remembered the last semi-annual camping trip to Big Sur prompted me, on the way home, to swear I’d never do it again. I remember exactly where we were when I took the blood oath – which isn’t easy when you’re behind the wheel of an SUV. At the time, I felt like I’d been repeatedly hit with a large stick. The beach we usually go to requires a mile-long hike from the parking lot – which was fine when we were carrying a cooler and not complaining children. I was tired. I was sore. I had loud children in the car. I had a migraine. I had homicidal thoughts.

Camping was a wonderful thing, back in the days when we could just grab a couple cases of cheap beer, a box of Crunch Berries, the tent, and go. Not anymore. Too may aches and pains and work and children. That’s who you do it for when you’re 40 – your kids. Which is probably why I’ll continue camping. But I won’t like it.

Nor will I like having two loud 5-year-olds in the car on the road to Santa Cruz today. But at least I’ll sleep in a motel tonight. And not on the floor.

Posted on Saturday, September 15th, 2007
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Bad Ground Beef

I’m going through a tough time today…

What’s that, you say … you want me to share? Why, sure. Thanks for asking.

I’m suffering from a poor attitude due to a number of things. Mostly it’s bad ground beef.

I just ate some Chinese food from an establishment that shall remain nameless … because they’ll spit in my food next time I go there if I name them. But they have an annoying habit of putting bad ground beef in wrapped-up food items otherwise requiring chicken or pork. The MSG usually puts me into a coma anyway, but add to that a large portion of greasy, bad ground beef, and I’m ready to crawl under my desk until the pain goes away – not to be confused with when I crawl under my desk to take a nap.

By the way, I have the term “Bad Ground Beef” under trademark, just in case you suddenly develop this clever idea to name your band Bad Ground Beef. Try it and my crack legal team will be on you like Britney Spears on a pitcher of Cosmos.

If that wasn’t bad enough, I’m also angry about the proliferation of dancing Internet advertisements. Hip-shaking shadows of men and women, cows, robots, chickens and children … enough already. Please STOP WITH THE DANCING ADS! Until I can push through legislation banning ad agencies from including dancing figures I’m organizing a national boycott on products that come packaged in advertisements that dance.

I’m also angry about some other stuff I can’t remember, because grease from the Bad Ground Beef ™ has eaten most of my brain. I think it has something to do with Def Leppard or Jessica Simpson’s father, or something …

Posted on Thursday, September 13th, 2007
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Led Zeppelin Reunion


Led Zeppelin will do what they say is a one-time comeback in November in memory of Ahmet Ertegun, the founder of Atlantic Records.

According to the Associated Press, the band will perform together for the first time in 19 years on Nov. 26, at London’s The O2 venue, on the banks of the River Thames. The concert is meant to pay tribute to Ertegun — the label boss who popularized Ray Charles, Aretha Franklin and Led Zeppelin — who died in December at age 83.

He was the guy who, if I’m not mistaken, was played by the same actor in “Ray” who played Booger in “Revenge of the Nerds.”

He was also one of a dying breed – a record label executive who put his hide (and a lot of corporate money) on the line for artists he deemed worthy. He was another rarity in today’s record company landscape: an executive who was more of a music lover than a bean-counter. If there were more people like that nowadays – and fewer corporate mergers – the music world would be a far far better place.

Ertegun founded Atlantic Records, signing Zeppelin in 1968. He later signed the Rolling Stones as well. In fact, he died last December after complications from a fall at a Stones concert.

Organizers said Led Zeppelin’s remaining original members Robert Plant, guitarist Jimmy Page and bassist John Paul Jones will headline the concert with late drummer John Bonham’s son, Jason, on drums. Naturally, they asked me first, but I have a really busy November, so I had to decline.

The Who’s Pete Townshend, Bill Wyman, Foreigner and young Scottish singer Paolo Nutini — the last British act Ertegun signed — will also play at the tribute concert.

And it wouldn’t be too surprising if a present Stone or three showed up.

I’m trying not to get my hopes up for a tour, since the guys in Zeppelin are getting up in years. John Bonham died just around the time I was old enough to go to concerts, but I never saw them.

Posted on Wednesday, September 12th, 2007
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