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Bye Bye Britney

By Tony Hicks
Sunday, September 9th, 2007 at 6:54 pm in Uncategorized.

Uh … well, then. I guess it’s over.

When Britney Spears doesn’t know how to lip-sync, the world has gone to hell. 50 Cent no longer carries a gun. Eminem respects women. Kanye West quits music and abandons his ego to go to work for the Peace Corps. Avril Lavigne is all she thinks she’s cracked up to be. Pete Doherty swears off drugs for Jesus. Bono starts kicking starving African children in the ribs.

Britney Spears doesn’t know how to lip-sync anymore. That was her thing. Even more than looking sexy, dancing, making bad decisions after a couple of drinks … and lip syncing. It’s what she did, and we loved her for it.

Holy Mother of God.

Britney Spears was the reason why much of American tuned into the MTV Video Music Awards on Sunday night. We were expecting big things. Her career needs it. We’ve seen her open the VMAs in ways that had us talking for days around the water cooler. She danced with snakes and tickled Madonna’s tonsils (with no hands!) among other glorious plot moves.

Instead we got something worse than an on-stage plane crash. We got boring. She wasn’t even drunk enough to scare us. The stripper poles were generic and lame. And were we supposed to get excited by that guy grabbing her from behind?

Like most of California hasn’t grabbed Britney Spears behind at some point the past four years.

Wow, so much for all that Criss Angel talk. The magician-boy of the month has been spending a lot of late night sessions — supposedly -– with Britney, with the excuse being that they were working on a spectacular show involving magic, mirrors, disappearing stuff and people being cut in half.

Now we know what they were really doing. Because we really didn’t before. No, honest.
Instead of magic -– or the performance that those media-whores at MTV pumped up — we instead got a very confused, stumbling blond blob in a bad bikini who staggered through a performance like she was struggling with a roadside sobriety test.

She didn’t even attempt to dance, yet still looked like she’d been to the bar before the show, which is a weird contradiction, since going to the bar always makes the rest of us want to dance even more.

I was actually scared she was going to fall off the stage. Like my good pal Sonia said while watching the train come so close to rumbling off the tracks, it would’ve been better if Kevin Federline opened the show.

She walked around, shook her hips a couple times, forget to lip-sync, and gave the most generic, forgettable “performance” when her career needed it the most. One thing you could count on before -– no mater how dumb, irritating or untalented Britney Spears was, at least we could count on her making a splash when it counted.

Not anymore.

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2 Responses to “Bye Bye Britney”

  1. Joe Says:

    My flag is at half-mast, in honor of her flagging career.

  2. Vinnie Ballgame Says:

    Ironically, the swirly verification word I’m being asked to type to approve this reply is “failure.” Coincidence? I think not.