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It’s Good to Be the Federline.

By Tony Hicks
Tuesday, September 11th, 2007 at 1:11 pm in Uncategorized.

FederlineI know I have a problem. It’s Britney Spears. I just can’t stop. I may need treatment.

But enough about me – I want to be Kevin Federline. That guy doesn’t even need a lawyer. While Britney was placing a time bomb on her career last weekend at the VMAs, Federline had a quiet birthday party for his two children, who have birthdays mere days apart.

Oh, sorry. Let me specify: his two children with Spears. You need that qualification with Federline, who’s slightly more fertile than the Napa Valley. He has more kids than anyone who doesn’t play professional sports. The DNA tests haven’t come back, but we believe there’s a chance he might actually be my father.

And what a father he is. While Mommy prepared to strut (stumble) before the world around in a bikini and fishnets, Daddy doled out cake and party favors, according to While Mommy stayed out until 3 a.m. with Diddy and Paris the night before, the boys slept soundly, knowing that Daddy planned a party with a “Cars” theme for the next day. Even Britney’s mom and sister showed up for the fun.

Britney better hope Johnny Cochran somehow rises from the dead and comes up with a catchy slogan, quick. “If she wasn’t so busty, you’d grant her custody.”

Sorry – that was kind of a reach.

You think she might’ve killed her career Sunday? Wait until she loses custody of her kids to that chimpanzee of an ex-husband of hers. That won’t look good on a resume.

Sorry, I don’t mean to gloat. I kind of feel bad for her. It’s like watching a puppy get its head stuck in a fence and not know what to do about it. I’m even a bit uncomfortable with all the talk about her somehow being “fat.” If that’s fat, then women everywhere would give their left foot to be fat. I wish I looked that good in a bikini and fishnets…

You know, uh …if I was a girl and actually wore stuff like that. Or something.

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One Response to “It’s Good to Be the Federline.”

  1. E Says:

    T –
    I just did a spit-take with my Peet’s when I read the Cochran line. I think the kid sobbing on youtube (today’s top 1) was speaking to you.

    Hope all is well,