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Seems Like Old Times

By Tony Hicks
Wednesday, September 19th, 2007 at 9:46 am in Uncategorized.

Something was strangely familiar this morning.

I rolled out of bed, put on my ankle-length denim shorts, flannel shirt and Doc Martens. I wrapped my hair in a ponytail, fluffed the ol’ goatee, turned down the Screaming Trees CD, and flipped on the TV.

There he was. Just like seeing an old relative.

Ol’ Uncle O.J.

Crazy, homicidal, egotistical, smarmy, insane Uncle O.J.

The split screen showed the view from a helicopter, glued to loitering bystanders. Some held signs.

Oh … so there’s where that guy in the chicken suit went …

Ah, the familiar grimace. The “I-really-have-no-idea-why-I’m-here” smirk. Then, afterward, the press conference on the steps of the courthouse, with well-groomed men in expensive suits explaining how much respect they have for the justice system – as a man wearing a homemade “OJ ’07” T-shirt stands off to the side.

He must be the lead counsel.

What a break for the Bush Administration. Because, as long as O.J. Simpson is on trial — and this could drag out for a couple years if we’re lucky — no one will pay attention to anything else. The fascinating maniac is back. It’s like a reunion tour. By this time tomorrow, I expect Geraldo to have his own daily segment on at least three channels.

I don’t know if this is really hilarious or really sad. Maybe it’s hilariously sad. But we’ll all be watching, nonetheless. It’s like trying to take your eyes off the seven-car pile-up happening right before your eyes.

ALERT!!!!!! O.J. UPDATE!!!!!!!

At 12:29 p.m., under the banner “BREAKING NEWS,” CNN was showing a car they said contained O.J. Simpson who, free on bail, was — we can only assume — speeding down the freeway searching for the real kidnappers/memorabilia thieves. There’s no word on Al “A.C.” Cowlings’ whereabouts, but you can expect another update here when that information comes in from authorities.

Yes, for the first time in more than a decade, CNN is back to showing O.J. Simpson driving. And I couldn’t be happier. This is going to be the greatest winter EVER.

Oh, by the way … I have an old Cowlings football card I’d like to sell … I’ll start the bidding at $75,000 …

About 1:45 p.m., CNN and AP reported one of the two memorabilia dealers O.J. allegedly (we have to say that) yelled at, robbed, kidnapped, and was generally mean to – Alfred Beardsley – was arrested this morning in a Las Vegas hotel for a parole violation in California, following a conviction for stalking.

Of course, this wasn’t long after Beardsley – an amateur brain surgeon and nuclear scientist – appeared on the “Today” show Wednesday morning, talking about O.J. Which is the logical thing to do, if there’s a warrant out for your arrest. Get on TV and let the police know where you are, so it’ll be easier for them to find you.

I think we’ve found our Kato Kaelin circa 2007.

This is getting exhausting. But rest assured, I’m on the case … until I get hungry or something.

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5 Responses to “Seems Like Old Times”

  1. Danny Says:

    Yes, I’ll take the card, but first I need to get my voting website going for what to do with it once I obtain it.

    Your options:

    1. Put in Model Ford Bronco’s front seat and push down a small hill. or…

    2. Hold a press conference with Judge Ito where he can offer me my legal options on the proper destruction of the card. or…

    3. Give it to a broker in a hotel (location to be determined) and let AC know that I have his card and if wants it, he can come after me with a small crew and try to take it back.

    Does this mean that Tim Meadows is coming back to SNL or are we going to have Keenan play fat OJ.

  2. Joe Says:

    How the mighty have fallen; a former pro football player, a former Heisman Trophy winner, no less, reduced to thievery. What’s next, murder? I weep for the future of Hertz Rent-a-Car.

  3. Ari Soglin Says:

    Does anyone know kind of car that was this morning? When I hear “Ford Bronco,” I think “OJ,” and I have this inexplicable need to find out about the latest vehicle. (Is it so wrong for me to have this fascination? Did this mean I failed to adequately work through my OJ issues in the ’90s?)

  4. Tony Hicks Says:

    Danny – You’re brilliant. I hate it when readers come up with ideas I should’ve thought of. You could’ve had the decency to e-mail it to me first, so I could take credit…

  5. Danny Says:

    My bad.