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Fat Girls

By Tony Hicks
Thursday, September 20th, 2007 at 3:23 pm in Uncategorized.

First off, I’m totally not sucking up to women.

Well, maybe one …

But, according to Us Weekly, on Wednesday’s “America’s Next Top Model,” Tyra Banks and the judges decided that Sarah (I don’t know who she is, but I guess they don’t use last names or something) will be this season’s “Plus-Sized Girl.”

I’ve seen this show twice and, instead of actually watching the show, I couldn’t stop watching the two women I was with, calling it like Madden and Summerall calling the Super Bowl (only with more profanity). So I don’t know what this means, other than when someone says a woman is “plus-sized,” I think of a big woman with chocolate smeared all over her face, watching Oprah for hours at a time. I don’t think of this woman as plus sized.

Sweet mother of Moses — did you see her? What’s going on around here?

Even though Britney Spears isn’t really fat, I can understand why people thought so. First off, she is bigger than she used to be, which is an impossible standard since, during her pre-child bearing years when — while still lacking talent, she was still a major entertainment draw — she had one of the most incredible bodies on this or any other planet. Though I’ve heard good things about Neptune (and thanks for noticing I tactfully avoided saying “Uranus”).

Second, Britney stumbled through a show with little energy or effort, in effect making herself seem a bit … slothy.

Is that a word … slothy? Well, anyways, it sounds like fat.

My colleague Candace Murphy — who’s a girl and all — informs me that in the United States, a plus size is an 8 or above. I don’t know what that means, but it sounds smaller than plus. And Sarah — who seems, by all accounts and scientific observation, completely hot — just doesn’t seem like a big girl.

Not that you can’t be hot AND big … I’m just saying. LOOK at that picture. I’m going to. A few more times, just to be sure.

I just don’t get it.

BREAKING NEWS ON PLUS-SIZED MODEL:

We have an update on Sarah, thanks to the intrepid research of my colleague George, who was also outraged enough to look at that picture a bunch of times … to make sure she really wasn’t plus-sized.

Apparently, Sarah is a burlesque dancer in Boston. And she has a last name. And — judging by this photo — still isn’t fat.

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