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Archive for September, 2007

It’s Good to Be the Federline.

FederlineI know I have a problem. It’s Britney Spears. I just can’t stop. I may need treatment.

But enough about me – I want to be Kevin Federline. That guy doesn’t even need a lawyer. While Britney was placing a time bomb on her career last weekend at the VMAs, Federline had a quiet birthday party for his two children, who have birthdays mere days apart.

Oh, sorry. Let me specify: his two children with Spears. You need that qualification with Federline, who’s slightly more fertile than the Napa Valley. He has more kids than anyone who doesn’t play professional sports. The DNA tests haven’t come back, but we believe there’s a chance he might actually be my father.

And what a father he is. While Mommy prepared to strut (stumble) before the world around in a bikini and fishnets, Daddy doled out cake and party favors, according to People.com. While Mommy stayed out until 3 a.m. with Diddy and Paris the night before, the boys slept soundly, knowing that Daddy planned a party with a “Cars” theme for the next day. Even Britney’s mom and sister showed up for the fun.

Britney better hope Johnny Cochran somehow rises from the dead and comes up with a catchy slogan, quick. “If she wasn’t so busty, you’d grant her custody.”

Sorry – that was kind of a reach.

You think she might’ve killed her career Sunday? Wait until she loses custody of her kids to that chimpanzee of an ex-husband of hers. That won’t look good on a resume.

Sorry, I don’t mean to gloat. I kind of feel bad for her. It’s like watching a puppy get its head stuck in a fence and not know what to do about it. I’m even a bit uncomfortable with all the talk about her somehow being “fat.” If that’s fat, then women everywhere would give their left foot to be fat. I wish I looked that good in a bikini and fishnets…

You know, uh …if I was a girl and actually wore stuff like that. Or something.

Posted on Tuesday, September 11th, 2007
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I Take No Responsibility For The Following.

I got the most fascinating press release this morning. At least four co-workers forwarded it to me as well, which makes me wonder what these people think of me.

The release begins like this:

“THE WORLD’S ONLY TRAVELING BREAST MUSEUM IS BOUNCING TO A CITY NEAR YOU.”

It continues: “With more than 75 artfully decorated boobs, this exhibit promises to be the hottest museum on wheels.”

No, really. They sent me that.

It’s called Jugs Across America, and it’s allegedly coming to Monster Park in San Francisco in time for tonight’s (Monday’s) 49er game. This exhibit visits various sporting events around the country in a convoy of vehicles, including a semi-truck trailer. The people behind this are partnering with chapters of Sigma Alpha Epsilon (why did I expect a fraternity to be involved with this somehow?) to raise funds from the project for the frat and breast cancer research.

I was going to tell you about the “Jingle Jugs,” but at some point the sirens around my desk are going to sound and security and three editors will tackle and bound me. They will then escort me to a secure facility where, after 30 hours in a sensory-isolation tank, I will promise (again) not to write things like this.

To see for yourself, go to www.jinglejugsforlife.com

Posted on Monday, September 10th, 2007
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Bye Bye Britney

Uh … well, then. I guess it’s over.

When Britney Spears doesn’t know how to lip-sync, the world has gone to hell. 50 Cent no longer carries a gun. Eminem respects women. Kanye West quits music and abandons his ego to go to work for the Peace Corps. Avril Lavigne is all she thinks she’s cracked up to be. Pete Doherty swears off drugs for Jesus. Bono starts kicking starving African children in the ribs.

Britney Spears doesn’t know how to lip-sync anymore. That was her thing. Even more than looking sexy, dancing, making bad decisions after a couple of drinks … and lip syncing. It’s what she did, and we loved her for it.

Holy Mother of God.

Britney Spears was the reason why much of American tuned into the MTV Video Music Awards on Sunday night. We were expecting big things. Her career needs it. We’ve seen her open the VMAs in ways that had us talking for days around the water cooler. She danced with snakes and tickled Madonna’s tonsils (with no hands!) among other glorious plot moves.

Instead we got something worse than an on-stage plane crash. We got boring. She wasn’t even drunk enough to scare us. The stripper poles were generic and lame. And were we supposed to get excited by that guy grabbing her from behind?

Like most of California hasn’t grabbed Britney Spears behind at some point the past four years.

Wow, so much for all that Criss Angel talk. The magician-boy of the month has been spending a lot of late night sessions — supposedly -– with Britney, with the excuse being that they were working on a spectacular show involving magic, mirrors, disappearing stuff and people being cut in half.

Now we know what they were really doing. Because we really didn’t before. No, honest.
Instead of magic -– or the performance that those media-whores at MTV pumped up — we instead got a very confused, stumbling blond blob in a bad bikini who staggered through a performance like she was struggling with a roadside sobriety test.

She didn’t even attempt to dance, yet still looked like she’d been to the bar before the show, which is a weird contradiction, since going to the bar always makes the rest of us want to dance even more.

I was actually scared she was going to fall off the stage. Like my good pal Sonia said while watching the train come so close to rumbling off the tracks, it would’ve been better if Kevin Federline opened the show.

She walked around, shook her hips a couple times, forget to lip-sync, and gave the most generic, forgettable “performance” when her career needed it the most. One thing you could count on before -– no mater how dumb, irritating or untalented Britney Spears was, at least we could count on her making a splash when it counted.

Not anymore.

Posted on Sunday, September 9th, 2007
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Ideas For Britney

What exactly will Britney Spears do at Sunday night’s MTV VMAs?

I don’t know about you, but like most 40-year-olds, I can’t think of anything else. I can’t even sleep.

She’s had her share of big moments in the past: dancing with a giant snake, playing tonsil-tennis with Madonna, that sort of thing. And that was when her career was healthy; before she was a head-shaving, papparazzi attacking, butt-showing, no underwear wearing, dropping her kids on their heads walking time bomb.

How can she top her past performances? I have a few ideas, all of which are pretty dramatic. But she’s got to do something drastic to get her career back on track. Something we wouldn’t possibly expect from Britney Spears. Like:

*Standing on stage and holding her children for three minutes without dropping them. If that’s not fantastic enough, she’ll also be required to resist pouring a 72-ounce Pepsi Big Gulp down either child’s throat for three minutes. She’ll also be shown three items and be required to indentify the one most resembling a toothbrush.

*Refrain from belching, farting, or randomly hiking up her skirt to show the world her buttocks or, God willing (please … no), the other side. Seriously. The telecast would be halted as all the cameras would instantaneously explode.

*Dance without falling over, cramping up, or chugging a malt liquor.

*Refrain from having intercourse with anyone else on stage. Yes … for three whole minutes.

*Actually sing.

Never mind that last one. I was getting carried away with optimism.

I’ll be blogging tomorrow night during the whole, exciting show. Well, at least during Britney’s “performance.” I can’t imagine another reason to watch the VMAs.

Posted on Saturday, September 8th, 2007
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30 Seconds of Expert Criticism

I occasionally did this thing in my old Thursday column called 30-second record reviews, in which I gave a review of a record based on 30 seconds of listening. Or was it 30 seconds of writing? I must’ve been really busy back then. Or lazy.

Anyways, I’d like to bring back the 30-second record review at least once a week in this space – maybe Thursdays. That was the day my music column used to run. It’s also today and, let’s face it, if I don’t do one of these things while I’m thinking about it, I’ll never do it, as I have the attention span of a border collie.

Oh, speaking of people with similar attention spans and parenting skills: OMG I CAN’T WAIT for Sunday night when Britney OPENS THE VMAS!!!!!!!!!” You can count on me to be on this blog, chronicling every exciting, career-killing moment.

And I was just kidding about my parenting skills being like those of Britney Spears. We don’t want anyone’s lawyer to get hold of that quote and run with it in court. I am a superior parent.

Anyways, I now offer a few 30-second record reviews for your reading pleasure. Or displeasure…I don’t care. Just keep those Web hits coming so I keep my job.

Thurston Moore “Trees Outside the Academy:” OK, so I lied. I listened to it WAY more than 30 seconds. As in previous solo records from the Sonic Youth guitarist, the record is far more song-oriented than one would think from a guy who specializes in making such delicious screeching, squawking guitar noise. There’s a few personal touches, but this sounds a lot like a good Sonic Youth record, only without any Kim Gordon vocals. There’s even some dueling guitar, which I’m assuming was all Moore’s doing. It makes you wonder what the band thinks when Moore does this, taking well-constructed and dynamic songs for his solo record instead of sharing. But that’s OK, since he produces so much for the band. It’s not like they make bad records (NYC Ghosts and Flowers not withstanding).

Ben Harper & the Innocent Criminals “Lifeline:” I’ll be saying this in an upcoming item in our Sunday A&E, but if you can’t steal from yourself, who can you steal from? “Lifeline” is arguably one of their best, for no other reason than it came on the heels of a long tour when the band could keep its live buzz alive. “Lifeline” is loose and exposes all of Harper’s best influences, from 60s soul to the folk feel of Cat Stevens. Harper and his mates have always been much better live than on record; this helps bridge the gap.

Sixx A.M. “The Heroin Diaries:” OK, I admit to feeling dirty over liking a Motley Crue side project so much. But this is easily the best thing anyone in that band has done in at least 15 years. Sixx wrote a yet-to-be-released book about his adventures with drugs back in the day, wrote a soundtrack, recruited a couple guys, and made this record. I was fully prepared to hate it … and I just can’t. I guess i have to turn in my membership card to the Music Snobs Union. The fact is that Sixx wrote some good songs, brought some grand arrangements and production, and wrote lyrics that are curiously potent.

Michael Jackson “Thriller:” This record will go nowhere. Trust me.

Remember to get on the Britney blog on Sunday.

Posted on Thursday, September 6th, 2007
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Two Goats Later…

I feel much better now.

Apparently all those airline issues I wrote about last Sunday are about to disappear. The trouble was they were trying to solve their problems with 21st Century solutions when, as we all know, simple measures are sometimes best.

According to MSN.com, in Kathmandu (yes, like the Bob Seger song), “Officials at Nepal’s state-run airline have sacrificed two goats to appease Akash Bhairab, the Hindu sky god, following technical problems with one of its Boeing 757 aircraft, the carrier said Tuesday.”

I’m assuming they said this with a straight face.

“Nepal Airlines, which has two Boeing aircraft, has had to suspend some services in recent weeks due to the problem. The goats were sacrificed in front of the troublesome aircraft Sunday at Nepal’s only international airport in Kathmandu in accordance with Hindu traditions, an official said.”

In related news, my car wouldn’t start this morning and my neighbor’s cat is missing. But everything’s fine now.

Posted on Wednesday, September 5th, 2007
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