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Mariah Carey is Wise

By Tony Hicks
Friday, October 5th, 2007 at 3:03 pm in Uncategorized.

Mariah Carey in Glamour's November 2007 issueIt’s always good to see a seasoned veteran come out to offer some advice to the up-and-comers. Especially in the field of unstable celebrity psychos.

Mariah Carey is on the cover of the new Glamour magazine. I know this because, of course, I’m a loyal subscriber. You can tell just by looking at me. Anyway, Mariah has a new attitude, the magazine says. Which seems a lot like the old attitude. Or personality. Only I’m not sure which one. There’s a lot of different people bouncing around in that brain. (Consider Exhibit A: Glamour’s 10-random-facts video.)

Usmagazine.com offered some highlights of the interview. I feel the need to ask some follow-up questions and offer some insight you won’t find in the magazine. I can’t say for sure if Mariah Carey reads my blog, but it’s obviously likely. Anyway, once she gets back to me, I’ll let you know.

On how many bathrooms she has in her 12,000-square-foot triplex in New York City: “I don’t know! Do you really want me to try and think about it?”

(At that point, her eyes rolled back into her head, her face turned purple, and her hair started smoldering. Before further damage could be done, Mariah came out of her seizure and replied “I’m afraid I don’t know how many bathrooms I have!”).

At least she tried.

But she did remember she has an entire bathroom dedicated to “Hello Kitty.”

I’m not making that up.

She also has a 3,000-square-foot closet, which is bigger than the two-story home I purchased for my family of four two years ago.

On what advice she’d give to Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears? I’ll paraphrase: They need to be centered, they need to know where they’re at spiritually. Don’t read the tabloids. And live your life for you.

In other words, be selfish. Which is an exciting new approach that’s working really well for Britney Spears.

On wishing she was a genie (yes, you read that right): “Wouldn’t it be really hot if I could just blink and change my outfit right now? How amazing would that be?”

Totally amazing. Having all those world-altering powers and only wanting to change your clothes faster is indeed amazing. That, and the fact a 37-year-old woman tells people she wishes she was a genie.

On what she does during downtime: “… whenever I’m outside, I want to be in a hot tub. I’m a water person. I would jump in the hot tub in the middle of our interview if it wasn’t so freakin’ cold out … !”

Because, of course, a person wouldn’t want to get into a tub of very warm water if they were cold.

The world would be a better place if we gave Mariah Carey an important job — like National Security Advisor. Or United Nations Secretary-General. Then we could have a reality show. Which begs the question: if Scott Baio has a reality show, why hasn’t anyone given one to Mariah Carey? I couldn’t imagine anything more entertaining than watching her tackle exciting daily tasks, like finding her front door and remembering to eat.

Bonus round: Carey appeared on PBS’s “Charlie Rose” show in November 1999.


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