By Tony Hicks
Tuesday, October 9th, 2007 at 7:53 am in Uncategorized.
I finally worked up the courage this morning to watch the video for the new Britney Spears song “Gimme More.” And, as a former full-time music critic with a wide breadth of musical and pop-culture knowledge, I took my time coming up with an accurate analysis:
Britney Spears is the worst stripper ever.
It goes without saying that the song sucks, being that it was written in less than 45 seconds. It’s one of the laziest lead dance singles from a major dance artist in recorded history. And that’s too bad. I’ll be the first to say that the first single of a new Britney record is almost always a good dance song. The second single is usually OK, and the rest of the record should be slid under whichever leg of the kitchen table is just a wee bit shorter than the others.
Whoa — sorry. For a second there, I was actually analyzing Britney Spears’ music.
But that’s not the issue here (though I did enjoy the irony sandwich served up by a “comeback” single featuring the whispered line “I just can’t control myself”) which, of course, we already knew.
No, the issue is that, if someone who’s based her entire career on being a sex kitten finally plays a stripper in a video, she could actually act like one. Strippers, for one, act sexy. I know it’s a reach — bear with me. The second part on which Britney whiffed was that, while one might not like strippers — which is the silliest thing I’ve ever heard — everyone can agree that strippers work very hard. Not only is Britney Spears a terrible stripper, she’s a lazy stripper.
And that’s just un-American.
For a much better take on the song, I recommend YouTube user SoundSoftware’s remix version featuring Timmy from “South Park.”
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