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I Have Questions

By Tony Hicks
Thursday, October 18th, 2007 at 2:24 pm in Uncategorized.

I’m brimming with curiosity today. At the moment, it’s how someone can accidentally mix broccoli, beef, white rice, soy sauce, lettuce, fried onions, croutons and Italian dressing into such a yummy, lunchtime taste treat?

Where were we? Right. I have questions.

WHY do people like me have to wait five months to get a court date (hypothetically assuming I’m involved in a legal matter) when Britney Spears gets to go to court two or three times a week? Am I not a bad-enough parent?

And WHY can’t Britney just comply with one freaking tiny itty-bitty detail of a seemingly easy court order? The judge suspended her visitation rights with her kids Thursday because she didn’t give the company charged with doing her drug testing contact information so they could, you know, tell her it’s time to pee in the cup. Is this so difficult? Are they asking her to pass the bar exam? Are they asking her to run a marathon for charity? Are they asking her to give her life to Christ? Are they even asking her not to drag a stupid little dog around in a stupid little purse, or stop tanning, or stop inhaling Big Macs? Is that really worth not seeing your kids? As a guy who would eat one of his left toes (I already ate most of the right ones — I get hungry) to see more of my kids, I can’t even fathom the stupidity and insensitivity of this person. I’d vow to stop writing about her altogether … if it wasn’t so much fun.

WHY is former 49ers receiver Antonio Bryant such a funny guy? Bryant was cut after last season and, though talented, still can’t find a job in the NFL because of his reputation for being a pain in the rear. That and he faces a four-game suspension whenever he comes back. So you’d think, since he’s unemployed and needing to show he’s mended his ways, he wouldn’t sue the league for asking him to submit to drug tests, since he’s not technically an NFL employee anymore. Sure it makes sense, if you’re one of those hippie-types all into civil rights and chaining yourself to trees and stuff. On the other hand, isn’t suing the league and saying you don’t want to take drug tests kind of like saying “I want to smoke pot and watch a lot of cartoons until someone hands me a job.”

WHY does Marc Anthony remind me of Steve Buscemi?

WHY do stores have Christmas displays out when I’m still shopping for Halloween?

HOW many listens does it take to begin to properly appreciate the new Radiohead record? Three. Maybe less, if you’re driving on a dark freeway in the rain.

I guess that wasn’t a question if I already knew the answer.

And, finally, DID I really just e-mail my girlfriend to suggest we watch “America’s Next Top Model” tonight, so I can see if Sarah made the cut this week?

Holy cow. I’ve become a girl.

(Photo of Marc Anthony courtesy of barbarroja)

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One Response to “I Have Questions”

  1. Joe Says:

    America’s Top Model? Why not just start using Tampax now Hicks? Jesus, you’re pathetic.