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Archive for October, 2007

Kid Rock, World Statesman.

Kid Rock Gets LuckyIt’s good to see Kid Rock, who has a new record to promote, has decided to get out and start talking again. I’ve been missing 1999 lately.

I don’t even care about all the Pam Anderson slamming. Let me re-phrase. I mean I don’t mind Kid Rock saying not-so-nice things about his ex-wife. I don’t care if the guy has the sand to call his next record “Rock and Roll Jesus.”

No, what I love is Kid Rock, war strategist.

The Kid recently told Maxim magazine, which I accidentally only sometimes maybe read for the articles, that the first thing he’d do if he was running the war in Iraq would be to kick out the media, because war is ugly and you can’t fight it diplomatically. Apparently, all those professional war correspondents should come home and interview him about how much he likes beer. He pointed out we didn’t win the Revolutionary War that way, to which I might gently remind him that CNN’s signal wasn’t strong enough to get out of Boston in 1776.

Then Rock and Roll Jesus says, if someone kills an American soldier in Iraq, we should kill 50 innocent civilians. Or as RNRJ puts it “50 Mother$#@?ers.”

He’s also on the cover of Rolling Stone, fighting with Tommy Lee and talking to anyone with a microphone or notebook. Which makes me wonder: Why?

Is it 1999? Seriously, I don’t know how Kid Rock gets so much attention in 2007? He had one blowout record eight years ago, and hasn’t done much worth listening to since. Has Kid Rock suddenly become Brian Wilson?

No, I’m SERIOUS. Why do people like this guy so much? Ted Nugent is an annoying Detroit rocker too, but at least he’s a shredding guitarist and some of his music is good. And he’s funny. And he shoots flaming arrows on stage. Don’t ever underestimate the entertainment value of shooting flaming arrows on stage.

I don’t get it.

Posted on Wednesday, October 10th, 2007
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New Britney Video

I finally worked up the courage this morning to watch the video for the new Britney Spears song “Gimme More.” And, as a former full-time music critic with a wide breadth of musical and pop-culture knowledge, I took my time coming up with an accurate analysis:

Britney Spears is the worst stripper ever.

It goes without saying that the song sucks, being that it was written in less than 45 seconds. It’s one of the laziest lead dance singles from a major dance artist in recorded history. And that’s too bad. I’ll be the first to say that the first single of a new Britney record is almost always a good dance song. The second single is usually OK, and the rest of the record should be slid under whichever leg of the kitchen table is just a wee bit shorter than the others.

Whoa — sorry. For a second there, I was actually analyzing Britney Spears’ music.

But that’s not the issue here (though I did enjoy the irony sandwich served up by a “comeback” single featuring the whispered line “I just can’t control myself”) which, of course, we already knew.

No, the issue is that, if someone who’s based her entire career on being a sex kitten finally plays a stripper in a video, she could actually act like one. Strippers, for one, act sexy. I know it’s a reach — bear with me. The second part on which Britney whiffed was that, while one might not like strippers — which is the silliest thing I’ve ever heard — everyone can agree that strippers work very hard. Not only is Britney Spears a terrible stripper, she’s a lazy stripper.

And that’s just un-American.

For a much better take on the song, I recommend YouTube user SoundSoftware’s remix version featuring Timmy from “South Park.”

Posted on Tuesday, October 9th, 2007
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Mariah Carey is Wise

Mariah Carey in Glamour's November 2007 issueIt’s always good to see a seasoned veteran come out to offer some advice to the up-and-comers. Especially in the field of unstable celebrity psychos.

Mariah Carey is on the cover of the new Glamour magazine. I know this because, of course, I’m a loyal subscriber. You can tell just by looking at me. Anyway, Mariah has a new attitude, the magazine says. Which seems a lot like the old attitude. Or personality. Only I’m not sure which one. There’s a lot of different people bouncing around in that brain. (Consider Exhibit A: Glamour’s 10-random-facts video.)

Usmagazine.com offered some highlights of the interview. I feel the need to ask some follow-up questions and offer some insight you won’t find in the magazine. I can’t say for sure if Mariah Carey reads my blog, but it’s obviously likely. Anyway, once she gets back to me, I’ll let you know.

On how many bathrooms she has in her 12,000-square-foot triplex in New York City: “I don’t know! Do you really want me to try and think about it?”

(At that point, her eyes rolled back into her head, her face turned purple, and her hair started smoldering. Before further damage could be done, Mariah came out of her seizure and replied “I’m afraid I don’t know how many bathrooms I have!”).

At least she tried.

But she did remember she has an entire bathroom dedicated to “Hello Kitty.”

I’m not making that up.

She also has a 3,000-square-foot closet, which is bigger than the two-story home I purchased for my family of four two years ago.

On what advice she’d give to Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears? I’ll paraphrase: They need to be centered, they need to know where they’re at spiritually. Don’t read the tabloids. And live your life for you.

In other words, be selfish. Which is an exciting new approach that’s working really well for Britney Spears.

On wishing she was a genie (yes, you read that right): “Wouldn’t it be really hot if I could just blink and change my outfit right now? How amazing would that be?”

Totally amazing. Having all those world-altering powers and only wanting to change your clothes faster is indeed amazing. That, and the fact a 37-year-old woman tells people she wishes she was a genie.

On what she does during downtime: “… whenever I’m outside, I want to be in a hot tub. I’m a water person. I would jump in the hot tub in the middle of our interview if it wasn’t so freakin’ cold out … !”

Because, of course, a person wouldn’t want to get into a tub of very warm water if they were cold.

The world would be a better place if we gave Mariah Carey an important job — like National Security Advisor. Or United Nations Secretary-General. Then we could have a reality show. Which begs the question: if Scott Baio has a reality show, why hasn’t anyone given one to Mariah Carey? I couldn’t imagine anything more entertaining than watching her tackle exciting daily tasks, like finding her front door and remembering to eat.

Bonus round: Carey appeared on PBS’s “Charlie Rose” show in November 1999.


Posted on Friday, October 5th, 2007
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Charlie Sheen and Lawyers

Charlie Sheen is nuts. And maybe not in the good way many of us previously thought. Then again, decide for yourself.

I almost sent my lawyer that story, just so he knows how good of a client I am.

I love lawyers. They make no bones about the idea they could, if necessary, charge you by the eyeblink and actually bill you with a stunning degree of accuracy. I stopped by to drop some documents off at my lawyer’s office the other day. It was between noon and 1, so I wasn’t sure if he was at lunch. It didn’t matter, I reasoned, because I was supposed to just drop this stuff off.

Nope, he was there. We had to sit down and talk about the paperwork, on which I’d pasted little yellow sticky notes, explaining what each one was.

Now, once you make eye contact, enter the same room, or acknowledge each other in any way, the meter starts running. So we sat down, and he makes a crack about me having the gall to stop by at lunchtime.

And I’m thinking “I just spent my monthly phone bill pulling this here chair out from this here conference table and sitting down. And he’s complaining I’m cutting into his lunch?” A half hour later, I had to start calculating whether the Jedi mind trick can be used on bill collectors over the phone. “You don’t need a payment from me this month – I’ve already paid.”

I’d be a terrible Jedi.

I really like this lawyer, though. He’s honest and has a good sense of humor, which is important when a lawyer is distracting you with big words while reaching into your wallet to get your credit card numbers. After a court hearing earlier this year, we were standing in the hallway, joking around and talking about anything and everything but my case. We might’ve been talking about Charlie Sheen – I don’t know. But it sure as heck wasn’t my case.

Suddenly I looked at him and said “Hey, are you charging me for this conversation?”

He smiled even wider. “Oh yeah, I sure am.”

I suddenly had an appointment to get to. This guy’s a good conversationalist, but nobody’s that good.

Posted on Thursday, October 4th, 2007
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Radiohead Record

I got a press release from Radiohead’s PR agency this morning, regarding the long-awaited new Radiohead record. Some of us have been salivating at the thought, I have to admit. Of course, I salivate at a lot of things.

Anyway, the good news is the new record, called “In Rainbows,” is supposed to be available via download from the Radiohead website on Oct. 10. The bad news is that the band isn’t authorizing any advance music for critics, nor are they streaming any sneak peaks. Everybody gets it at the same time – even the PR agency, they claim. We’ll see. I’ve heard this before from bands, only to see a review two weeks before release in Rolling Stone or somewhere else.

That’s OK. It’s only nine more days.

If someone wants the record in a discbox, those will be shipped “on or before 3rd December 2007.” You can pre-order a download from the Radiohead site and they will send you an activation code and download details by e-mail.

Posted on Monday, October 1st, 2007
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