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I Hate E.T.

By Tony Hicks
Monday, November 19th, 2007 at 1:27 pm in Uncategorized.

So I walked in the house last night, and my 5-year-old daughter was watching “E.T.”

Oh man.

She hasn’t seen it before (the alien movie, not Mary Hart) and she’s a bit sensitive these days. I tried to steer her away from it, you know, to a show with some wholesome violence or something.

No can do. She was hooked.

Watching “E.T.” with a sensitive little girl is like taking three hormonal women to a screening of that rotten movie with every actress in Hollywood mourning Julia Roberts getting cancer and kicking off. What the hell was that called — Fried Green Endearment or something. Seriously, I don’t remember.

Anyways, it was awful, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. The worst part was that I haven’t seen the thing in something like 20 years. So I started getting into it. Ha Ha, there goes little E.T. drinking beer. Or there goes that little rascal making friends with the family dog. Look, he knows how to talk!

Or what wonderful fun we had — until the wrinkly-faced little bastard had to go and die.

Oh my daughter was beside herself. The tears wouldn’t stop. At one point she was actually wailing. Naturally, I got upset. So I started getting misty-eyed. We’re holding each other like the family car just burst into flames and we were the only ones to get out.

But wait, I told her. Keep watching.

So ET comes back to life, C. Thomas Howell (henceforth known as “Pony Boy”) and the other neighborhood kids whisk him off to the rendezvous with the alien ship … and here come the waterworks again.

E.T.’s saying goodbye to little Timmy, or whatever the kid’s name is, and Drew Barrymore, and the family dog, and my kid is bawling like there’s no tomorrow. So I get upset again. On and on and on this goes. I’m embarrassed, as my girlfriend is sitting there, completely dry-eyed, pretending not to notice that my kid and I are having complete emotional breakdowns right there next to her.

It was awful.

I hate E.T. It’s now banned from my house forever. Stupid little monster.

Photo of unidentified alien by Flickr user shawnzlea under Creative Commons license

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5 Responses to “I Hate E.T.”

  1. Vinnie Ballgame Says:

    Hey Tony. Did you ever notice that ET kinda looked like … a squirrel?

  2. Tony Hicks Says:

    He’s not as evil as squirrels. I did have a friend in high school who kind of looked like ET. In fact, we saw the the movie in the theater together. I won’t tell you what he yelled at the screen when little ET croaked and the scientist-man said “OK, pack him in ice.” Suffice to say, it wasn’t appropriate. But it was really funny to a couple of 15-year-old punks.

  3. Elisa Says:

    Don’t you hate that scene when ET is ashy and white in the creek? If it doesn’t get you, you have no heart! :)

  4. Tony Hicks Says:

    Yeah, that was pretty awful. That’s when my kid started losing her mind. Wasn’t some sort of vermin already starting to pick at him? It was probably squirrels.

  5. George Says:

    Today I noticed Slate’s writeup on Spielberg’s take on suburban family in “Close Encounters,” and remembered your post.