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The Britney Motorcade

By Tony Hicks
Thursday, January 31st, 2008 at 9:58 am in Uncategorized.

Is it just me, or is the Los Angeles Police Department the biggest bunch of fame-enablers on the planet?

Every time someone decides Britney Spears is acting nuts and has to go to the hospital, the crime rate in Southern California skyrockets. Because the entire police force has to escort her to the hospital. If I lived in L.A., I’d sure love the idea of paying taxes so Britney Spears got a parade every time she needed a mental health evaluation.

If I was a criminal, I’d sit across the street from the Spears mansion and wait for the sirens and bells and whistles to go off. Then I’d hightail to the nearest jewelry store with a brick.

It’s amazing. I was in L.A. during the riots. I drove home after curfew the second day, when the whole city was practically in flames. I drove up La Cienega Boulevard just after the sun went down, with buildings on fire on either side of the deserted street. There wasn’t one cop or emergency response vehicle to be found. Granted, they were all pretty busy that day, but I also know that they were under orders to stay out of certain areas.

Yet they sure snap to when Britney Spears freaks out. The stories on Thursday morning described her row of police escorts as being as long as a football field. Britney Spears can’t be half as insane as the person who decided that was necessary.

And, of course, before the motorcade rolled to a stop at the hospital, Dr. Phil leaped out of bed and into action, sticking his nose into the mess by offering up his opinion this morning on “The View.” It’s almost like someone has a huge searchlight, kind of like the bat signal only with the silhouette of a bald girl holding a tiny dog in one hand and flailing an umbrella with the other. Dr. Phil sees it from his bedroom window, pulls aside the covers, and races for the secret button, exposing the shrink pole, He slides down and arrives in the Cave of Syndication, fully dressed with TV make-up already applied.

Give up on her, Phil. She’s just not that into you.

More exciting information is breaking on the Britney Spears situation as we speak, including one report that Britney is accusing her mother of sleeping with her “boyfriend.” Whether that means the photographer guy with the silly chin hair, Dr. Phil, Sam Lutfi, Kevin Federline, Justin Timberlake, the local Rite Aid clerk, or that guy she married in Vegas for 15 minutes, we’re not sure. Please return to this blog later in the day for all the latest developments.

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5 Responses to “The Britney Motorcade”

  1. Lee Says:

    BS should be forced to pay for the escorts because she should be held accountable for her grotesque behavior and lack of regard for anyone (including herself). Sick of hearing about her and yes, if the name fits “B.S.”…

  2. Renee New Says:

    I agree. BS and her doctor should pay for the police and helicoptors since they are the ones that set it up.
    I can see it for the President, but not for a alcholic and drug user. Anything for attention again.

  3. Tony Hicks Says:

    What if the President is an alcoholic and a drug user?
    Hey, wait a second …

  4. Vinnie Ballgame Says:

    Tony, I thought you were so over your hatred for Tricky Dick Nixon. Move on. Or is that Moveon?

  5. HeyJoe Says:

    OK, obviously I’m stating the obvious, but why was this necessary? I haven’t read anything that indicates why the LAPD felt the escorting of a celebrity whack-job required such manpower? Heads should be rolling around the LAPD over this one.