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Archive for February, 2008

World’s Dumbest Criminals

Let’s see: If I need money quick and need to pull a heist, which would be better: that restaurant over there, maybe the gas station on the corner … or the place with all the intimidating motorcycles in front of it.

Right. Let’s rob the place full of bikers.

In what had to be the most predictable outcome since the Dream Team versus Angola, 50 bikers beat the snot out of two would-be robbers in an Australian club when they had the funny idea their two machetes would scare people into giving up their money.

This wouldn’t even happen in a “Cannonball Run” movie. It’s just too far-fetched.  

Speaking of the Dream Team versus Angola:

Posted on Thursday, February 28th, 2008
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Maxim is Dumb

Ok, I didn’t mean that. Well, sort of. 

I love Maxim as much as the next guy (and I’ll write that at least once a week if they want to give me a free subscription).  But there’s something to be said for sticking to your speciality…in Maxim’s case, really, really good investigative journalism. Honest.

But come on, guys. Just don’t do music reviews, at least without listening to the record. I never even tried that when I was still reviewing records. 

Posted on Tuesday, February 26th, 2008
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Ben Affleck’s New Boyfriend

This is Jimmy Kimmel’s hilarious reponse to his girlfriend Sarah Silverman’s video, proclaiming Matt Damon is her new boyfriend. Or, er, something like that.

Getting Huey Lewis in the “We Are the World” segment was pure genius.

Posted on Monday, February 25th, 2008
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Previous Post

I’d just like to point out that I didn’t intend to turn my health insurance blog post into a full-fledged column for Tuesday. But the more I thought about it, the more irritated I got, requiring the full-column treatment.

Plus I couldn’t think of anything else to write about …

Posted on Monday, February 25th, 2008
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Health Care Providers

I think I’ve finally figured out why we spend so much friggin money on health care in this country: Because of all the actors health care providers have to hire to stand in wheat fields and look happy on their literature.

That and printing gazilions of these things to send to me every week.

The latest is titled: “My Asthma.” I’ve deduced their spies somehow found out I have asthma. Ok, fine. But whomever decided to put a smiling woman spreading a pretty scarf over her head in the middle of a – you guessed it – wheat field – has apparently no idea about asthma.

For one thing, if she had asthma and was in a wheat field at dusk, she’d have an inhaler sticking out of her mouth.

If they wanted to portray “My Asthma” correctly, they’d show someone red-faced and sweating, gasping for air and clutching a bathroom sink with empty inhalers scattered about, waiting for the ambulance. 

Seriously, how stupid do these people think we are? Do they think that, somehow by picture-association, we’ll begin to believe that these diseases are happy things? I realize they can’t exactly show someone laid out on the floor with a paramedic jamming a needle full of adreneline into their chest. But good God, if I have asthma, I don’t need a booklet bigger than my employee handbook, suggesting I do things like remember to take my medicine and go to the doctor if my meds don’t work.

Then again, it seems to work for the guy in the picture at the beach, squatting down with his blond-haired, blue-eyed son, smiling and pointing at the ocean. There are more pictures of elderly couples running down the beach and happily washing their cars in this thing than in an hourlong Viagra infomercial.

I’d write more, but I have to go plop down my $30 co-pay for an inhaler the size of my thumb.  


Posted on Sunday, February 24th, 2008
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Outer Space Explosions Rule

I’m sure everyone has already seen this, since the military is doing everything short of sticking out its collective tongue at China while announcing plans to make the film available at IMAX theaters around the globe…

But even a tree-hugging hippie would admit shooting a missile from a ship and hitting a satellite going 17,000 miles per hour in outer space is pretty cool. Unless it’s a Russian or Chinese hippie.

I especially like the part at the end of the tape, when Han Solo says “Great shot kid, that was one in a million,” while Darth Vader spins off into space, recovering control of his TIE fighter to go back to the Emperor.

Please click on that last sentence. It’s even funnier than the guy at the Pentagon trying to keep a straight face while talking about how his guys made something explode in outer space.

Posted on Thursday, February 21st, 2008
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Plastic Surgery is Bad

There’s a lot of things to be scared about around these parts lately – none of which I can really discuss or sirens will blare, lasers will shoot out my computer into my brain, and the next time we speak it’ll be while I’m handing you a bag of fries from the McDonald’s drive-thru window.

That said, wow is this the scariest thing I’ve ever seen, heard, smelled or otherwise encountered. 

Kids, if Michael Jackson’s nose falling off didn’t scare you into promising yourself you’d never get plastic surgery, please allow this scare you straight. A few wrinkles and a slightly bigger-than-average nose can actually be cute. Besides, if you disappear from work for a few weeks and re-appear with a new face, your co-workers will notice. Then they will laugh and throw sticks at you. 

Posted on Wednesday, February 20th, 2008
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Elvis for President?

I just watched a video sparked by an L.A. Times story saying that Barack Obama has stopped speeches at least six times on the campaign trail to deal with women near the stage passing out while he’s talking.

This guy isn’t a politician. He’s Elvis.

How are we going to effectively communicate with nations like Germany, who has a female prime minister, if they keep passing out during high-level summits?

I think it’s obvious why this guy is really getting on Bill Clinton’s nerves so much. It’s not just that he’s a threat to keep Bill from moving back into his old crib in D.C. (where he thought he got the chicks). No, Bubba’s pissed that Obama has more game than him.

Don’t worry Bill. Neither of who could ever come close to the achievements of the real White House Pimp and Original Gansta, JFK. He made you look like an amateur.

Posted on Sunday, February 17th, 2008
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Shows of the Summer

Live Nation just announced two summer amphitheatre dates with the Police and Elvis Costello and the Imposters.


Even though ticket prices will probably be steep, there’s going to be a lot of good mojo for these ones. It’s like the dream bill of 1981. Well, if you weren’t into Nazareth and Saxon back then …

Here’s the details:

The Police
With special guest
Elvis Costello and the Imposters

Presented by Citi®

Monday, July 14th at 7:30pm

Shoreline Amphitheatre

Tuesday, July 16th at 7:30pm

Sleep Train Pavilion at Concord

Tickets for both shows go onsale on Sunday, February 24th at 10am at!

Posted on Thursday, February 14th, 2008
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Stupid People

I always hesitate to label people as “stupid,” as I once knew someone who had a bumper sticker claiming they “hate stupid people.”

He, of course, was one of the stupidest people I’ve ever known.

But that’s just me – he probably thinks I’m stupid too (but I don’t dress as poorly as him; and that’s saying something). So we’re even.

But wow, are we up to our armpits in stupidity this week. beginning in that noted haven of stupidity, Washington D.C., where elected officials are tripping over themselves to look stupid, either by sucking up (Dan Burton) to the worst liar on the planet (Roger Clemens), or spending far too much money and time (the entire “steroids” committee) chasing their tails for cameras on an issue that can’t possibly be resolved (I said, you said, he said, he mispoke, he misremembered, he mistupid, ). I’d swear there’s something else happening somewhere requiring the attention of these wise leaders of ours.

As for Clemens, I’d like to personally thank him for adding new words to the roll of pop culture identifiers. “Misheard,” was great, but “Misremembers,” was gold. Thanks Rog. By the way, listening to Clemens continue to deny he ate steroids in the face of all that contradictory testimony from his pals makes me realize his rear end wasn’t the only body part that was injected with steroids.

Yes, I mean his groin area. Move on please.

But it gets better, speaking of leaders, because if I lived in Berkeley I might be packing up right now. I love Berkeley. I used to cover the city, so I’ve had some experience with some of these folks involved in the “hey, let’s kick recruiters out of our town” controversy. And even some of the town’s most notorious left-wingers are shaking their heads at this. Because a city can’t call itself a haven for free speech and open-minded exchange when its government condemns one group, then goes a step further by encouraging its residents to stand in front of its shop with bullhorns and disrupt it as much as possible.  

Quick question: Did the recruiting station just SHOW UP one day? Because I’m pretty sure even the Federal government has to get some sort of license to operate inside a city. I’m thinking the military didn’t use eminent domain, or rifles with bayonets, to just take over that space. The city said yes, then went back on its word … then essentially told people to take to the streets to cover its mistake.

On the other hand, there’s plenty of stupidity to go around. For example, who asked pro-military people from TEXAS to show up? I heard one guy screaming at another on the radio “What do you know about the military” over and over to an anti-military protester. My first response was “What the hell do YOU know about Berkeley, pal? Berkeley isn’t Texas; it’s not even Albany or Oakland. Where’s the line allowing a city to determine what kind of business it wants inside its borders?

This would be an entirely different issue if the city was trying to stop a recruitment office from coming to town BEFORE it showed up. Or even if this whole thing was about the military being a discriminatory organization by not allowing openly-homosexual people to join. Or if it was about the military’s shady recruiting practices.

Otherwise, this is just the kind of pointless grandstanding that gives Berkeley its reputation for nuttiness. Turning on the military recruiters as an anti-Iraq War statement is missing the point. I can sympathize, because this war was wrong from the get-go, and people are dying every day because of a few arrogant people in Washington who never went to war themselves. But no one in their right mind would argue that we don’t need a strong military, and the soldiers only go where their duly-elected leaders send them. Perhaps these city politicians should instead run for Congress, where their anti-war opinions can do some real good.  

Wow, that was pretty serious of me. I think I need to go towel off …

Posted on Wednesday, February 13th, 2008
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