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Archive for March, 2008

With Friends Like These …

Nothing like waking up after a bender not knowing where you are.

Sure, you’ve been there. We all have. I may or may not have even been there myself … once. When I was very young, yet still of legal drinking age.

But imagine waking up hungover and not knowing where you are … then realizing you’re in the back of a garbage truck that’s about to start compacting.

That recently happened to William M. Bowen of Muncie, Ind. He was out drinking with his buddies the previous night and didn’t remember how he got in a trash bin, which was dumped into a garbage truck the next morning. The driver was about to activate the compactor when he heard Bowen’s screams.

A couple more minutes and he would’ve really been screaming. Guess someone’s not going to be able to sit through the trash compactor scene in “Star Wars” anymore. 

Of course he knows who did it – because that’s what friends are for. That’s what guys do to each other. We roam in packs and often single out the most vulnerable (i.e. drunkest) guy to put into a shopping cart, or bushes, or behind the wheel of a vacant police car. Because we care. And because it’s really funny.

Bowen doesn’t remember because he’s trying to keep his pals out of trouble, which is nice. Real men handle these things internally — they get even in the most painful way imaginable.

Posted on Monday, March 31st, 2008
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Bimbos.com

And to think my backwards 6-year-old is only interested in wonka.com and her on-line pet game.

I found this extremely educational site dedicated to getting young girls a head start in the bimbo business. Nice. I keep telling my daughter “Honey, why all the attention to reading, writing and singing in the school talent show when you should really start thinking about starting a savings account for plastic surgery.”

By the way – and this is no joke – my daughter actually told me last weekend that she thinks her butt is too big. I wasn’t actually aware that she had a butt. The kid weighs less than my right leg … from the knee down.

Meanwhile, if someone can track down the brilliant person who came up with ths website, please e-mail me their address so I can round up a gang of fathers and lead an angry mob to their home.

Just kidding. Maybe.

Posted on Tuesday, March 25th, 2008
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Posing Naked For Millions

Tony Hicks contemplates posing naked for millions Sorry I’ve been away for a while – my kid was on vacation, so I had to make up a bunch of stuff to not come to work. I told them I was too sick to type, what with me having leprosy and all. Thankfully I found a cure and came to work today.

So I’m wondering what crime I have to commit to get a offered a million bucks to pose naked. First that hooker who got caught with New York Governor Eliot Spitzer gets offered a million bucks from both Girls Gone Wild (until they realized, of course, she already posed for them) and Hustler to pose naked. Now Playgirl has offered Spitzer himself a million bucks to pose.

I have a lot of bills to pay, so I’m looking for opportunities. If anyone knows of a crime I can commit or something equally dumb I can do in public (that I already haven’t tried) to get enough attention to garner a million dollar offer to pose naked, please speak up. There’s a commission in it for you. Meanwhile, I better start doing some push-ups and sit-ups, so I look even better for the shoot than I already do. I know, that’s going to be one mean feat.

Posted on Friday, March 21st, 2008
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Billy Crystal’s Big League Debut

The Yankees let Billy Crystal lead-off a pre-season game today, to celebrate the lifelong Yankee fan’s 60th birthday. Check out the video.

Even though the concept of giving celebrities at-bats in Big League spring training games is getting really old, I can’t help but think this is kind of cool. Not only is Billy Crystal a short comedian totally out of his league, he’s 60 to boot. Still, he got a hold of a foul ball. Big hairy-chested Tom Selleck didn’t do much better for the Tigers a few years back.

Posted on Thursday, March 13th, 2008
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Creepy Gnome Stalks South America!

Wow - this is about the scariest thing I’ve ever seen.  It’s probably a hoax, but still. I knew Blair Witch wasn’t real and it still freaked me out.

I don’t like gnomes. Especially South American gnomes who, obviously, devour the living. The story didn’t say which country this was exactly – or I was too excited watching video of a gnome frightening teenagers to look – but I call for an immediate invasion of this country. Whichever one it is.

We can’t have these things, which are obviously terrorists, migrating north like killer bees. Everybody laughed about that, but look what they did to Henry Fonda in “The Swarm.”

Well, OK. It was kind of his fault. Still, we can’t take any chances. Hopefully this place has some oil. Hey, maybe that was Hugo Chavez …

Posted on Tuesday, March 11th, 2008
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More Bad Baby Names

It must be the season for discussing bad baby names. I wrote a column on it last week, based on an idea I got from a Website. I forgot I received an e-mail a month or so ago about a new book coming out “BAD BABY NAMES,” by Michael Sherrod and Matthew Rayback.

These guys swear that they have proof that some awful, sadistic parents have put the following names into play:

Uranus Stukey

Acne Fountain

Lust T. Castle

Panties Moberg

Mary A. Jerk

Mutton Bucker

Hugh Jass

Fanny Whiffer

Lard Mooney

Good Hell

Emma Royd

Stud Duck

Noble Butt

Naught E. Bishop

 

I really don’t think I could add anything to that if I tried.

Posted on Tuesday, March 11th, 2008
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D’oh

New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer, once called “Crusader of the Year,” by Time Magazine and “Eliot Ness” by others, and who went after prostitution, among other things, when he was state attorney general, was linked today to a high-end prostitution ring by the New York Times.

Whoops.

It’s sad in a way (if you’re one of his three kids), but uproariously hilarious in another. I don’t know why I get so darned tickled when a cargo plane dumps an entire load of political irony on the lawn of a holier-than-thou politician.

But the real news here is … there are prostitutes who make $5,500 an hour? Holy cow!

I wonder if there are male prostitues who make this much. And, if so, where do I pick up the job application? Or, rather, where would I if I didn’t look like me.

That was a little joke, there. I would never condone such a thing … unless I could actually pull it off. Which makes me more than qualified to run for governor of New York. They’re going to need a new one …

Posted on Monday, March 10th, 2008
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The Cyrus Family

Is it just me, or does Miley Cyrus and her father increasingly look more like they’re dating rather than daughter and father. I don’t mean to get creepy or anything, but I thought that even before I saw this, which kind of looks like a prom photo.
cyrus

Of course, he may just be standing so close to her because he’s a protective father. And a man who can’t help but protect his investments. Dude, stop trying to look sexy and smile or something. You’re standing next to your daughter -you’re freaking me out.

Posted on Friday, March 7th, 2008
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What the Hell??

I’m always so glad to see local governments doing so well, they focus on stupid things.

South Pasedena (not to be confused with East, North or West Pasadena) has proclaimed the first week of March, from now on, to be a curse-free week in their happy little city.

What the #%@* is wrong with these people?

It should be every adult’s God-given right to curse. What happens when you have to insult your friends on guy’s night? What happens when your sports team screws up? What happens when you need to threaten your children?

I’m not saying one should have a potty mouth in mixed company (though I’ve never understood adults getting offended by a few mild swear words as long as they aren’t too offensive and directed at them). But besides being absolutely functional at times swearing is just good American fun.

Without swearing, we would never have had Richard Pryor. Without swearing, my grandparents would never have spoke to each other. Without swearing, 12-year-olds would fall back on doing drugs and having sex as an outlet.

That’s right – swearing keeps kids off drugs. And why does North Pasadena wants its children to take drugs?

It’s doesn’t make any &%$#@* sense. 

Posted on Thursday, March 6th, 2008
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