That recently happened to William M. Bowen of Muncie, Ind. He was out drinking with his buddies the previous night and didn’t remember how he got in a trash bin, which was dumped into a garbage truck the next morning. The driver was about to activate the compactor when he heard Bowen’s screams.
A couple more minutes and he would’ve really been screaming. Guess someone’s not going to be able to sit through the trash compactor scene in “Star Wars” anymore.
Of course he knows who did it — because that’s what friends are for. That’s what guys do to each other. We roam in packs and often single out the most vulnerable (i.e. drunkest) guy to put into a shopping cart, or bushes, or behind the wheel of a vacant police car. Because we care. And because it’s really funny.
Bowen doesn’t remember because he’s trying to keep his pals out of trouble, which is nice. Real men handle these things internally — they get even in the most painful way imaginable.
Posted on Monday, March 31st, 2008
Under: Uncategorized | Comments Off on With Friends Like These …
By the way – and this is no joke – my daughter actually told me last weekend that she thinks her butt is too big. I wasn’t actually aware that she had a butt. The kid weighs less than my right leg … from the knee down.
Meanwhile, if someone can track down the brilliant person who came up with ths website, please e-mail me their address so I can round up a gang of fathers and lead an angry mob to their home.
Sorry I’ve been away for a while – my kid was on vacation, so I had to make up a bunch of stuff to not come to work. I told them I was too sick to type, what with me having leprosy and all. Thankfully I found a cure and came to work today.
I have a lot of bills to pay, so I’m looking for opportunities. If anyone knows of a crime I can commit or something equally dumb I can do in public (that I already haven’t tried) to get enough attention to garner a million dollar offer to pose naked, please speak up. There’s a commission in it for you. Meanwhile, I better start doing some push-ups and sit-ups, so I look even better for the shoot than I already do. I know, that’s going to be one mean feat.
The Yankees let Billy Crystal lead-off a pre-season game today, to celebrate the lifelong Yankee fan’s 60th birthday. Check out the video.
Even though the concept of giving celebrities at-bats in Big League spring training games is getting really old, I can’t help but think this is kind of cool. Not only is Billy Crystal a short comedian totally out of his league, he’s 60 to boot. Still, he got a hold of a foul ball. Big hairy-chested Tom Selleck didn’t do much better for the Tigers a few years back.
I don’t like gnomes. Especially South American gnomes who, obviously, devour the living. The story didn’t say which country this was exactly – or I was too excited watching video of a gnome frightening teenagers to look – but I call for an immediate invasion of this country. Whichever one it is.
We can’t have these things, which are obviously terrorists, migrating north like killer bees. Everybody laughed about that, but look what they did to Henry Fonda in “The Swarm.”
Well, OK. It was kind of his fault. Still, we can’t take any chances. Hopefully this place has some oil. Hey, maybe that was Hugo Chavez …
Posted on Tuesday, March 11th, 2008
Under: Uncategorized | Comments Off on Creepy Gnome Stalks South America!
It must be the season for discussing bad baby names. I wrote a column on it last week, based on an idea I got from a Website. I forgot I received an e-mail a month or so ago about a new book coming out “BAD BABY NAMES,” by Michael Sherrod and Matthew Rayback.
These guys swear that they have proof that some awful, sadistic parents have put the following names into play:
Lust T. Castle
Mary A. Jerk
Naught E. Bishop
I really don’t think I could add anything to that if I tried.
It’s sad in a way (if you’re one of his three kids), but uproariously hilarious in another. I don’t know why I get so darned tickled when a cargo plane dumps an entire load of political irony on the lawn of a holier-than-thou politician.
But the real news here is … there are prostitutes who make $5,500 an hour? Holy cow!
I wonder if there are male prostitues who make this much. And, if so, where do I pick up the job application? Or, rather, where would I if I didn’t look like me.
That was a little joke, there. I would never condone such a thing … unless I could actually pull it off. Which makes me more than qualified to run for governor of New York. They’re going to need a new one …
Posted on Monday, March 10th, 2008
Under: Uncategorized | Comments Off on D’oh
Is it just me, or does Miley Cyrus and her father increasingly look more like they’re dating rather than daughter and father. I don’t mean to get creepy or anything, but I thought that even before I saw this, which kind of looks like a prom photo.
Of course, he may just be standing so close to her because he’s a protective father. And a man who can’t help but protect his investments. Dude, stop trying to look sexy and smile or something. You’re standing next to your daughter -you’re freaking me out.
It should be every adult’s God-given right to curse. What happens when you have to insult your friends on guy’s night? What happens when your sports team screws up? What happens when you need to threaten your children?
I’m not saying one should have a potty mouth in mixed company (though I’ve never understood adults getting offended by a few mild swear words as long as they aren’t too offensive and directed at them). But besides being absolutely functional at times swearing is just good American fun.
Without swearing, we would never have had Richard Pryor. Without swearing, my grandparents would never have spoke to each other. Without swearing, 12-year-olds would fall back on doing drugs and having sex as an outlet.
That’s right – swearing keeps kids off drugs. And why does North Pasadena wants its children to take drugs?