By Tony Hicks
Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008 at 11:47 am in Uncategorized.
Just when I thought the the marketing machine would be winding down, once I found myself buying my kid a Miley Cyrus microscope, whoopie cushion and dog leash, now comes today’s stunning and rather disturbing news.
Memoirs. She’s 15. She can’t even drive yet. I have underwear older than her. What can she possibly write about? How hard it was growing up with her father’s money and haircut? And can you imagine, if she’s really writing them, how readable can it be with all those ”OMGs” and “LOLs” in the text?
Granted, I hadn’t been interviewed by Barbara Walters when I was 15 (she did stalk me for a while, however, when I was 25). But had I, or many suburban kids for that matter, written a memoir, it would’ve gone something like this:
“In my opinion, KISS should’ve never taken their make-up off. David Lee Roth should be president. My mom this one time wouldn’t let me go see Motley Crue at the Pavilion, so I totally hate her. I will never, ever treat my children like that. Because I’m going to be a rock star, and I’ll never let my mom into my mansion. She’ll cry. Ha. I once rode a Moped over my neighbor’s front lawn. I have a girlfriend who totally loves me and would be with me forever … if I wasn’t going to be a rock star who totally went on tour and stuff. I’m going to be rich, never weigh more than 170 pounds, and chicks will always dig me. I can’t wait to get a job at a pizza parlor so i can, like, totally eat free pizza all the time.”
Then again, that’s really not so different than what I’d put in a memoir at age 40. But anyway, back to this idea of Miley Montana Britney Hayley Cyrus writing a memoir.
Disney included the following in a statement Tuesday, presumably with a straight face, allegedly quoting Miley:
“I’m so excited to let fans in on how important my relationship with my family is to me.”
Shouldn’t that say “I’m excited to let fans in on how important my current earning potential is to my family, and to have yet one more fairly worthless product to pawn off on you, the public, thus increasing my family’s, and Disney’s, earnings.”
Who wants to read that? I mean, it’s not like she’s Drew Barrymore at 15. Now that’s a story worth telling. Miley Cyrus isn’t even on drugs yet.
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