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Archive for May, 2008

Bill O’Reilly Goes Off Like Mount St. Helens

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

The following is a very humorous insight into the calm, professional demeanor of one up-and-coming Bill O’Reilly, back in the days when he was on “Inside Edition.” Please enjoy and supervise any children in the room, as Bill uses some, er, “blue” language to get his point across to less intelligent, dense, not-as-professional people he works with. Sometimes you have to knock your associates around to get them on-board the program when you’re as talented as Bill O’Reilly.

Please click here and enjoy, as I go back to watch this for the 161st time this morning.
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Posted on Tuesday, May 13th, 2008
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Lindsay Lohan is AWESOME!

I can’t help but wonder if young, obnoxious starlets are like trees in the forest. Right — do bears use them as urinals?

No no no — will people like Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears — who’s actually behaving rather well lately — do stupid, publicity-grabbing things if we stop paying attention. Which I guess is like the ol’ “if a tree falls in the forest” deal.

For a few years now it’s been a close race among people like Lohan, Spears, Amy Winehouse, Tara Reid, etc… to see who can win the ultimate stupidity sweepstakes. Folks, I think we may have a winner.

In what may be the stupidest stunt … ever, Lohan apparently swiped a co-ed’s fur coat while sitting next to her at a private party in January. Read the story here. The nice girl, 22-year-old Masha Markova, believed she’d lost the mink forever. She was quite upset, as it was a gift from grandma. Of course, let’s not feel too sorry for anyone rich enough to wear a mink. That’s right — I’m an animal-loving loather of show-off capitalists.

Anyway, a couple weeks later, Markova picks up the Feb. 11 edition of OK! magazine and sees — surprise surprise — Lohan wearing her coat.

Lindsay Lohan is so smart, she wears stolen merchandise in public, where photographers will surely take her picture.

Markova called her attorney who calls Lohan’s people and — voila! — the coat turns up on her doorstep two days later.

I’m so disgusted, I’m going to throw away my copy of “Herbie Rides Again,” despite the anguish it’ll cause me. Somebody has to take a stand.

Illustration of Lindsay Lohan by Flickr user kevindooley displayed under Creative Commons license

Posted on Tuesday, May 6th, 2008
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How Germans Deal With Speeders

After reading my Sunday column about how I want to incinerate the cars using my street to make the jump to warp speed, thus endangering my children daily, a reader with the same problem sent me a German commercial in which the protagonist accomplishes what I only dream of.

Please click here, while I start building my own device…

Posted on Monday, May 5th, 2008
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It’s Time For the Flying Woman Cover-Up To Be Exposed

Apparently there’s a floating Wizard/Witch/Woman cruising around the Southwest.

Watch the video, which is of the highest quality and very convincing. And props to Bigfoot, who was on vacation and happened to have his camcorder, for supplying the footage. I got your back, Biggie.

It’s time to uncover this paranormal phenomena for what it is — a government cover-up keeping us from knowing that aliens have colluded with Bank of America to open banks in Mexico for the Mole People to sock away the millions of tons of precious stones garnered from the Earth’s core, that are being used to wage mind-control wars against Lindsay Lohan, the Spears sisters, and Rob Lowe’s nannies. Among others …

Posted on Friday, May 2nd, 2008
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Maybe We’re Not Doomed

I don’t want to give anyone the idea that I care about more than fast food and bad music, but I read a story this morning that actually had me believing for a second that the human race might not be headed for self-destruction after all.

Now pardon me while I go get misty and find someone to hold me.

Posted on Thursday, May 1st, 2008
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