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Archive for June, 2008

Quick … Dial That Number

As of now, we only have about six more hours and driving and dialing. And that’s sort of sad.

Some of my most exciting moments behind the wheel occurred while trying to drive and dial. Wow, I remember that one time I went up on the curb by that elementary school. Whew … I never knew third-graders could scatter so fast. Then there was the time I drove onto a golf course and into the lake by the 15th green. That was an important call, by the way. Then there was the time I ran over an in-law. Thankfully, he already had a bad back and happened to like me.

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Posted on Monday, June 30th, 2008
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Hit Us Baby One More Time

MTV execs may be considering bringing America’s favorite trainwreck Britney Spears back to the Video Music Awards this year.

This sounds like such a terrible idea, they have no choice but to do it. Oh, please. Please, please, please, please.

They should have Spears open the VMAs every year. There would be no way, short of a televised exorcism on Amy Winehouse by the Pope himself, to get better ratings. And let’s face it, the VMAs have become almost as bad as the rest of MTV. It’s gotten so bad, there’s no saving it. The only way to go is down. They should try to see how bad it can get, and there’s no one better suited for that than Britney Spears (not including anyone from the cast of The Hills).

Maybe they should have a year-long tournament of pop disaster cases, with the winner awarded the opening of the VMAs every year. If Britney tried hard enough, she could be the equivilent of the Celtics winning 11 titles in 13 years.

As for Britney, it would make perfect sense, as it gives her motivation not to be an absolute laughingstock two years in a row. Of course, we don’t actually know she knew that …

Posted on Friday, June 27th, 2008
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Stupid Teens and Alligators

I remember when I was 18 – I was quite stupid. I could write a book about what 18-year-olds should not do because they’re too stupid not to be locked up until they turn 30.

But I wasn’t this stupid.

Kasey Edwards, who grew up in Florida around alligators, went swimming after drinking beer with other stupid people (yet he swears the beer had nothing to do with what happened – though I suppose it didn’t have to, as 18-year-olds are quite stupid with having to add beer to up the stupidity quotient).

Anyways, you can already guess what happened by reading a few key words from this post – unless you happen to be 18. Then you might not, because, essentially, you are stupid. I’m sorry for that – maybe you’ll grow out of it, maybe you won’t. But … the key words would be “stupid” “alligators” “beer” and “Florida.”

Please read Kasey’s story here and return.

Thanks for coming back. So, as you probably guessed, Kasey is now missing his left arm. And it’s not his fault. It’s those damned animal rights activists. Because they made Kasey go swimming in a canal he knew was home to alligators.

But Kasey – who seems to smile a lot for a guy whose arms was chewed off by a giant reptile – says God was with him that day … when he was almost eaten by an alligator.

Now, I’m a bit cynical and not 18, but I’m pretty sure, if God was with Kasey, he would not have let him be so stupid as to go swimming in a canal with an 11-foot alligator.

Posted on Wednesday, June 25th, 2008
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Good to be back

Well, it’s sort of good to be back. I did jam home quick at lunch to watch my new daughter eat and sleep (and give her sister a ride to grandma’s to go shopping; they’re so cute – it’s like watching Obi-Wan teach Luke the ways of the Force). But back to important stuff — one can never underestimate the importance of eating and sleeping. If this child’s proficiency at each are an indicator, she’s truly dad’s girl.

Man, just writing that made me tired.

But the real reason I’m here is to extol the virtues of man’s former enemy: the bra — something I never knew had a real purpose in life other than to frustrate men until today. That’s right — a bra saved a woman’s life. Read all about it right here. Now I need to go take a rest — that was a lot of typing for a new father. I have to ease my way back into this job, or I might pull something.

Posted on Monday, June 23rd, 2008
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Lucy Hicks

Haight Street & Lucky Hicks 048

I probably won’t be on here much this week — my newest daughter Lucille came just after noon on Monday. She’s three weeks early, but we’re happy to see her. She’s perfectly healthy – all six pounds and 6.6 ounces of her. That’s right — 6.66. It’s a good thing her middle name isn’t “fer” …

Posted on Tuesday, June 10th, 2008
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Gas terrorist

I predicted a few weeks ago that something like this might happen. I didn’t endorse the concept, I just saw it coming. The problem is, it’s not the gas station owner that’s getting rich. It’s the oil companies. 

I’d also like to point out that I wasn’t anywhere near Danville on Wednesday, nor do I dress like a woman … at least not on weekdays. 

Posted on Wednesday, June 4th, 2008
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Tatum on Crack

So much for Tatum O’Neal’s long road to sobriety.

O’Neal, who wrote a book about her drug-addiction and rotten, child-star life in 2004, then said many, many fascinating things on Oprah, got busted for buying crack Sunday night in New York.

That’s really dumb. I mean, what recognizable celebrity doesn’t send someone else to get their drugs for them? Doesn’t she have children? At least have them delivered.

That’s a little joke. As a good father, I never send my children to get my drugs.

That’s another little joke, person in HR who’s reading this while breaking out the plastic cup and saying to themself “Hmmm, this explains a lot of what this guy writes.”

I don’t do drugs. And I’ll write a book to prove it …

She allegedly told the cops, according to the New York Post, that she was “researching” a part. Doesn’t that seem to be the trendy excuse for celebrities getting caught these days? Besides, of all people on the planet, Tatum O’Neal is probably the last person who needs to research how to buy drugs. She should be giving classes to other actors on how to do it properly. 

Here’s hoping Tatum O’Neal gets through this and gets back on the wagon.

Posted on Monday, June 2nd, 2008
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Harvey Korman

I resist writing the cliched “Harvey Korman R.I.P.” because, if there’s a comedy heaven, Harvey Korman was passed under the velvet rope and ushered to a VIP table.

Though Korman was a lifetime sideman, his timing, personality and periodic genius was first rate. For those not lucky enough to grow up watching the brilliant Carol Burnett show, Korman was the glue that kept that show together for more than a decade. His work in Mel Brooks’ movies was up there with the genius of the late (I think she’s dead – isn’t she?) Madeline Kahn – who was only one of the five funniest woman who’ve ever lived.

By the way, since we’re talking Mel Brooks, watch this …

It’s sad when people die who were such a big part of your life growing up – but I guess that means we’re just getting old. There hadn’t been a show like Carol Burnett since it went off the air, and hopefully there’s enough on YouTube for people to get an accurate taste.

Posted on Sunday, June 1st, 2008
Under: Uncategorized | 2 Comments »