Part of the Bay Area News Group

Heroes and Zeros: Court and Spark edition

By Tony Hicks
Monday, July 21st, 2008 at 5:55 pm in Uncategorized.

HEROES: How about we call the Third Circuit Court of Appeals our collective hero of the day? The court struck down the FCC’s $550,000 fine against CBS for accidentally showing Janet Jackson’s right boob for 1/164th of a millisecond during the 2004 Super Bowl halftime show.

This isn’t just a victory for right boobs everywhere; it’s a victory against the idiocy of a politically-charged FCC that has absorbed the ridiculous, so-called values of the Bush administration.

The court rightly called the FCC’s policy “arbitrary and capricious” and said CBS had no control over what that evil maniac Justin Timberlake plotted with Janet Jackson’s right boob before the show.

ZEROS: The two idiots in Grover Beach, near San Luis Obispo, who thought it would be funny to light their buddy’s crotch on fire in January after he passed out from too much alcohol.

Matthew Craig Pillers, 22, was sentenced to two years in jail, while 19-year-old pal Jack Brent Nicholas Keiffer (how many names does this guy have?) got 45 days. Their buddy Elliot Tuleja got second-dregree burns on his testicles.

I think I can safely assume I speak for all three billion men on the planet Earth when I say “OHMYYYYGODDDDOUCHOUCHOUCHOUCH.”

Not that I would know about these things, but I read a lot and I can safely say that there are certain universal rules among guys who drink together. One is that the guy who drinks too much and passes out in a roomful of his friends, according to many laws, must be tampered with as punishment.

However, that usually involves drawing hieroglyphics on the his face, taking pictures, and distributing them to his family the next day. Nothing I’ve read says it’s OK to LIGHT HIS GROIN ON FIRE. Not cool, man. Those two imbeciles deserve prison.

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