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Heroes and Zeros: Stupidity alive and well in state parks

By Tony Hicks
Wednesday, August 6th, 2008 at 5:19 pm in Uncategorized.

Let’s start today’s segment with the Zero, because we may have discovered the stupidest human being alive. I realize that’s really saying something, but, honestly … no, really. Decide for yourself.

ZERO: A Southern California man hiking in Orange County’s Limestone Canyon on Wednesday morning was cruising along, minding his own business when he came upon a mountain lion and her three cubs.

Now, about that point, a normal person is looking for a chainsaw, a bazooka, or a taxi. Anything to either defend himself or get out of there fast.

Not this guy, who apparently is so stupid, authorities can’t even tell us his name. He probably didn’t even know.

No, stupid hiker guy (SHG) decides the kittens “seemed so cute and cuddily and passive,” he told police. Naturally, being that he’s the stupidest man on the planet — and apparently missed the 274 signs warning him not to approach mountain lions that live in the area — he reaches down to pet one of the kittens, which aren’t really kittens as much as they are small MOUNTAIN LIONS.

Naturally, Mom doesn’t like this and lunges at the guy, scratching him before running off. Which is miraculous considering scientific research proves that big cats find the flesh of stupid people fantastically yummy.

SHG’s actions caused all kind of trouble, and it may not be over yet. They had to shut down a nearby school and Fish and Game had to come out and search the area.

They found no trace of a lion, but did say there’d been previous reports of one with kittens. Which is absolutely amazing, considering it’s the woods and that’s where mountain lions live.

I never tire of idiotic people losing their minds when they move to areas near mountains and parks, then lose their collective bladders when they discover that wildlife actually has the nerve to live there.

What sucks is that they may have to shoot the lion, or relocate the family at the very least, because of a rule about contact with humans. The lion acted pretty peacefully, all things considered. I’m a human and if some stupid hiker reached out to grab one of my kids on the trail, he’d get more than a scratch. Then they’d have to shoot me, I suppose.

HERO: One of the most frustrating things, outside of the employees’ general rudeness, talking among themselves like you aren’t there, or blasting loud music; is when kids working at fast food joints don’t get your order right.

One brave man decided to stand up for all of us.

Reginald Peterson of Jacksonville, Fla. called 911 twice last week to report that the kids working at Subway hadn’t made his sandwich probably.

They left off the sauce both times, though the second time he called 911 to complain the cops weren’t getting there fast enough.

That’s right, Reg. You pay taxes. Somebody has to put a stop to these no-sauce-puttin’-on-sandwiches, delinguent punks. What a miscarriage of justice that the police arrested him for making false 911 calls.

Hey, it wasn’t FALSE. They didn’t put any SAUCE on his sandwich! Dry sandwiches are no laughing matter, especially at Subway. Try Togo’s next time, Reg. It’s way better.

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