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I’m moving to North Dakota

By Tony Hicks
Wednesday, August 6th, 2008 at 9:52 am in Uncategorized.

I love stories like this, especially in light of so many short-sighted, jerk-off (can I say that on my  supposedly own, yet MediaNews-owned, blog?) politicians screeching how we need to start drilling off California and Alaska, even though they know the oil wouldn’t flow for 20-30 years and a new administration will likely start fresh with a new energy policy in a matter of months.

Whoa — sorry about that. I was getting a bit serious there. Nobody’s supposed to get serious on a Wednesday. It’s a law in some countries.

Meet the new Jed Clampett of North Dakota, who basically tripped over his cowboy hat, discovered oil, and is laughing his rear end off all the way to the bank.

My favorite part of this, other than hearing a story of an old-school, mid-western boomtown where one man isn’t drinking everyone else’s milkshakes, is the quote from the 70-something-year-old new oil baron, who said he’s adding onto his house merely because he can.

I want to do things simply because I can. Like start a free-ranging ape colony in my back yard. Or buy my way into a washed-up 80s band that tours Indian casinos … maybe Ratt or White Lion. I could totally play those songs.

Or maybe I’ll get a VW bus, paint it like the Sunny D bus, and drive up and down the California coast, attracting many blond, hot California moms in string bikinis who happen to be at the beach, searching for delicious, Vitamin-C fortified refreshment for their blond offspring.

If there’s oil in North Dakota, there has to be some in Concord. If there’s any geologists out there who want to work with me to gain fabulous wealth and immediate entry into the world of 80s bands playing casinos and hot MILFs looking for liquid refreshment at the beach for their offsring, give me a shout.

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7 Responses to “I’m moving to North Dakota”

  1. HeyJoe Says:

    Wow, jerk-off AND MILF in one post! I’m so proud of you!

  2. Tony Hicks Says:

    Yeah, I’m getting pretty courageous. Next week I’m going to try to use “doodie” and see if the sirens go off around here.

  3. HeyJoe Says:

    “Spaulding, NO!”

  4. Tony Hicks Says:

    Nicely played.
    Whatever happened to Lacey Underall, anyway?

  5. HeyJoe Says:

    She’s in my crawl space. I mean, I don’t know. Good question.

    However I DO know that Spaulding is selling real estate in Massachusetts. Behold:

    http://joeprose.typepad.com/my_weblog/2008/03/spaulding-get-y.html

  6. Tony Hicks Says:

    My editor Randy points out, though a wonderful blog entry, under memorable quotes you left out “Are you gonna eat your fat?”
    Many people don’t know that Randy actually worked at a golf course in his youth and is a Caddyshack expert. It’s almost frightning I have a feeling much of the movie was based on his life.

  7. HeyJoe Says:

    Kudos to Randy, and a hearty welcome to the “Needs to get a life” club. We’re always looking for new members, and your member, while hardly new and far to used to return, is more than welcome.