HERO: The additional 125,000 gorillas just discovered (well, counted) in Africa, which is more than what scientists previously thought were still alive in all of Africa.

Experts say it’s a sign that conservation is working. I don’t know if it makes the gorillas heroes or not, but I’m slumming for real heroes today, and gorillas are just as good as most humans I know.

It was either this, or the very intense Elvis fan who accused me today in an e-mail of not knowing who the king was.

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A reader sent me the following e-mail, after I referred to Lisa Marie Presley’s father as “some sort of nightclub singer” in today’s People Column:

“I was reading your article on lisa marie presley expecting twins.  you referred to her father, elvis presley, as ‘some sort of nightclub singer’.  i couldn’t believe what i had read.  are you some sort of an idiot who does not know what he is talking about? or was this a completely bad  joke?  if not a joke, perhaps you should get a job at one of those tabloid papers !!!!!!! read the statistics.  elvis is still pulling in the high numbers for recordings and memorabilia  being sold, 31 years after he is gone!!!!  who else has done that????   nightclub singer !!!!   geez !!!!!! 

She signed off by saying maybe she isn’t such a loyal reader anymore.

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Let’s start today’s segment with the Zero, because we may have discovered the stupidest human being alive. I realize that’s really saying something, but, honestly … no, really. Decide for yourself.

ZERO: A Southern California man hiking in Orange County’s Limestone Canyon on Wednesday morning was cruising along, minding his own business when he came upon a mountain lion and her three cubs.

Now, about that point, a normal person is looking for a chainsaw, a bazooka, or a taxi. Anything to either defend himself or get out of there fast.

Not this guy, who apparently is so stupid, authorities can’t even tell us his name. He probably didn’t even know.

No, stupid hiker guy (SHG) decides the kittens “seemed so cute and cuddily and passive,” he told police. Naturally, being that he’s the stupidest man on the planet — and apparently missed the 274 signs warning him not to approach mountain lions that live in the area – he reaches down to pet one of the kittens, which aren’t really kittens as much as they are small MOUNTAIN LIONS.

Naturally, Mom doesn’t like this and lunges at the guy, scratching him before running off. Which is miraculous considering scientific research proves that big cats find the flesh of stupid people fantastically yummy.

SHG’s actions caused all kind of trouble, and it may not be over yet. They had to shut down a nearby school and Fish and Game had to come out and search the area.

They found no trace of a lion, but did say there’d been previous reports of one with kittens. Which is absolutely amazing, considering it’s the woods and that’s where mountain lions live.

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I love stories like this, especially in light of so many short-sighted, jerk-off (can I say that on my  supposedly own, yet MediaNews-owned, blog?) politicians screeching how we need to start drilling off California and Alaska, even though they know the oil wouldn’t flow for 20-30 years and a new administration will likely start fresh with a new energy policy in a matter of months.

Whoa — sorry about that. I was getting a bit serious there. Nobody’s supposed to get serious on a Wednesday. It’s a law in some countries.

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I’ve been terribly remiss – if that’s the right word. I’m pretty sure I heard Michael Caine say it in one of the 1,467 films he’s been in, and he speaks so gosh darned fancy, I figured I have to give it a try.

What was I talking about … oh yeah. I’ve had some time off and I have my kid back for another chunk of summer, so the blog has suffered. My bad. In fact, after a whole day at Alcatraz with the kids today, I’m too tired to find a hero. but I’ve got a zero to hold you over until tomorrow afternoon …

ZERO: Richard Cooey, a 41-year-old inmate in Columbus Ohio who, for committing some heinous crimes including rape and murder, is scheduled to die soon. I’m not fan of the death penalty for many reasons, but it sure is easier to worry less about these guys as I get older. Cooey is a funny one, though. Out of all the excuses I’ve heard for guys not getting executed – and don’t get me wrong, if I was one of ‘em, I’d try anything and everything. But, as a 5’7″, 267-pound man, Cooey says he’s too fat to be put to death.

Maybe so, but he makes a great argument for more veggies on death row.

He says he’s too fat and they won’t be able to find his veins for the injection. Wonder if he needed a lifesaving IV, he’d pass on that, saying his veins are too fat. Again, I’m not a big fan of the death penalty at all, but were I the warden, I’d just put him on a diet and wait him out. Maybe the Ohio tax payers could buy him a stairmaster…