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Archive for September, 2008

Imperial Fleet Week (Star Wars is REAL)

Sorry if I’m being whorish, but I had to put “Star Wars” in the title to get more hits. That’s what it’s all about these days in journalism –– HITS. I was going to put Tina Fey doing Sarah Palin on my blog today (not doing her –– you know what I mean), but Chuck Barney beat me to it.

Forget it –– Chuck can’t get all the good TV stuff.

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Posted on Monday, September 29th, 2008
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Zeros and Zeros: Human breast milk and gas

I tried, i really did. but I can’t find anyone today qualifying for “hero” status. This is very depressing, but indicative of the times. Though I almost nominated Mr. Kinder of Kinder’s deli/BBQ after only two tasty bites of a yummy barbecue sandwich today.

So we’re filling in the blanks. Our first zero is Jose Cruz (not the former Houston Astro), of South Charleston, West Virginia, who was arrested Monday for driving with his headlights off. That, by itself, doesn’t make him the daily zero. Nor does failing a sobriety test, which isn’t a very admirable thing to do, but won’t single him out in a nation that deals with thousands of DUI arrests per year.

No, this guy is a zero/creep/jerk/A-hole because, while the cops were trying to fingerprint him, he moved close to one of the cops and farted on him.

Actually, that’s kind of funny er … I mean, that’s terrible.

Our Second Zero(s) are the fine folks at PETA. Now, I love animals and often wish they weren’t made of tasty meat so I didn’t have to eat them. So i can sympathize with PETA. But, asking people not to eat animals is one thing, asking them to eat human breast milk is quite another.

Yeah, I know that sounds weird – humans not having human milk … cow milk sounds more appetizing … lalalalala, let’s not even go there.

So PETA has sent a letter to Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield of Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream, asking them – seriously – to replace the cow’s milk they use in their ice cream with human breast milk. PETA says the move would lessen the suffering of dairy cows, which may or may not be true. But, c’mon… brrrrrrrrrr.

Visions of poor pregnant women in stalls chewing hay are dancing through my head, and they aren’t pleasant.

Ben and Jerry apparently said something like “we appreciate PETA’s novel approach to bring attention to an issue, but uhhh … no.”

The request comes after some Swiss restaurant owner who about to begin purchasing breast milk from expecting mothers. There’s a Swiss Miss joke somewhere in there – please feel free to extract it yourself. I’m getting nauseous.

Posted on Wednesday, September 24th, 2008
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Hero and Zeros: Who steals from a 2-year-old?

HERO: A woman was walking up stairs to the subway in Manhattan last month when she caught some guy using his cell phone to take a picture up her skirt. So she followed him, took his picture, sent it to the police, and got him arrested. What a loser … I mean, you can’t get any kind of decent photo like that from a camera phone.

Just kidding. He’s a bad, bad person.

 ZERO: Ryan Mueller is, to put it mildly, a loser. He was convicted Thursday of sneaking into the bedroom of a 2-year-old girl’s bedroom in Sheboygan, Wis. and stealing $20 from her piggy bank while she slept. The girl’s mother walked in just as this scrub was shaking the money from her bank. Nice. The 31-year-old was sentenced to six years in prison, where he’ll have to explain to his new friends that he’s there because he stole from a 2-year-old. It should be a – heh heh – terribly long six years for Mueller.

Posted on Friday, September 19th, 2008
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Sarah Palin and witch hunters

You have to admit, Sarah Palin is about the funnest thing to hit American politics … EVER.

The latest is … well, it’s a bit hard to describe, so please read it here.

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Posted on Tuesday, September 16th, 2008
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Horoscopes of Death

Television astrologers have always seemed pretty annoying.  Thankfully, a cleric in Saudi Arabia wants to do something to ensure they stop ripping off the public.

That’s right – he wants to lop off their heads with a sword.

Man … tough country. But that’s real leadership. Let’s see some of our so-called leaders propose cutting off the heads of people who try to do your horoscope. I’ll vote for the first one who can promise it.

Posted on Monday, September 15th, 2008
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Woman selling virginity

A Sacramento State grad is selling her virginity through the Bunny Ranch (yes, that Bunny Ranch) in Carson City, Nevada, to pay her way through grad school.

So far, the bidding is up to $250,000, which probably has Disney officials scrambling to sell the rights to the Jonas Brothers’ first time.

I wonder if that includes a meal and/or a movie?

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Posted on Thursday, September 11th, 2008
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Tonight (Friday) at Betty’s in WC

This sounds like a good time at Betty’s Rock Bar in Walnut Creek – the Circo Rocktastico Tour pulls in, featuring Southern California indie rock bands with a Latin flavor. Astra Heights happens to be managed by former San Ramon resident and Nag Nag Nag guitarist Phil Jauriqui – which means that some of us from that crowd will be there, trying to look cool … when we’re not calling home to talk to babysitters.

Here’s the press release on the tour:

Los Angeles, CA- Monte Negro has joined forces with two other California-based alternative rock bands (Astra Heights, The May Fire) and MTV Tr3s to bring their diverse takes on the burgeoning Latin alternative scene to the West and Midwest for six weeks in August and September. Circo Rocktastico is the tour designed to show the natural unity of the American and Latino Indie cultures and how both influence and flow together so well, especially in a globalized world.

On the * select dates, The Rock the Vote Bus will be joining the Tour to help reinforce the need for Young Latino Music Fans to vote in November. The Bus will be a fun interactive experience open to the public before & after shows with Voter Registration Bays, Guitar Hero Games, Photo Booth , PSA Recording Booth and Free Mobile Music Downloads.

Posted on Friday, September 5th, 2008
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Mr. Mommy

So I’m home for a couple weeks with my new daughter while her mother goes back to work. And I have to say, I’m pretty disappointed in my child for not being a better listener.

She doesn’t eat when I tell her to, she doesn’t sleep when I tell her to and she refuses to answer my questions or do any chores. In fact, not only is she rebellious, I’m starting to get a bit frightened at how she doesn’t even answer me when I ask her to do something. She sits in that swing-thingie in the corner, that plays the creepy lullibyes, and just looks at me … and looks at me … and looks at me.


This kid is cold-blooded. Thank God she doesn’t know how to use her hands yet.

I had all these plans for doing things around the house this week, but a slight lack of sleep, and all this wonder 24/7 coverage of the Life and Times of Sarah Palin, has me parked on the couch. It’s a good thing I’m exceedingly skilled at laying on the furniture, which will come in handy now that football season is almost here.

Posted on Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008
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