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Zeros and Zeros: Human breast milk and gas

By Tony Hicks
Wednesday, September 24th, 2008 at 3:24 pm in Uncategorized.

I tried, i really did. but I can’t find anyone today qualifying for “hero” status. This is very depressing, but indicative of the times. Though I almost nominated Mr. Kinder of Kinder’s deli/BBQ after only two tasty bites of a yummy barbecue sandwich today.

So we’re filling in the blanks. Our first zero is Jose Cruz (not the former Houston Astro), of South Charleston, West Virginia, who was arrested Monday for driving with his headlights off. That, by itself, doesn’t make him the daily zero. Nor does failing a sobriety test, which isn’t a very admirable thing to do, but won’t single him out in a nation that deals with thousands of DUI arrests per year.

No, this guy is a zero/creep/jerk/A-hole because, while the cops were trying to fingerprint him, he moved close to one of the cops and farted on him.

Actually, that’s kind of funny er … I mean, that’s terrible.

Our Second Zero(s) are the fine folks at PETA. Now, I love animals and often wish they weren’t made of tasty meat so I didn’t have to eat them. So i can sympathize with PETA. But, asking people not to eat animals is one thing, asking them to eat human breast milk is quite another.

Yeah, I know that sounds weird – humans not having human milk … cow milk sounds more appetizing … lalalalala, let’s not even go there.

So PETA has sent a letter to Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield of Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream, asking them – seriously – to replace the cow’s milk they use in their ice cream with human breast milk. PETA says the move would lessen the suffering of dairy cows, which may or may not be true. But, c’mon… brrrrrrrrrr.

Visions of poor pregnant women in stalls chewing hay are dancing through my head, and they aren’t pleasant.

Ben and Jerry apparently said something like “we appreciate PETA’s novel approach to bring attention to an issue, but uhhh … no.”

The request comes after some Swiss restaurant owner who about to begin purchasing breast milk from expecting mothers. There’s a Swiss Miss joke somewhere in there – please feel free to extract it yourself. I’m getting nauseous.

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2 Responses to “Zeros and Zeros: Human breast milk and gas”

  1. Linda O. Says:

    Wow! I have to admit, your style of writing has left my mouth jealous of the amount of milk lost through my nostrils! Kudos to you and your writing!!!

  2. HeyJoe Says:

    PETA can suck (t)it; Bunch of extremist bozos