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Archive for October, 2008

The REAL Hot for Teacher video

A teacher in Germany recently helped 16-year-old students in her charge celebrate the beginning of the new term by, uh. putting on a show for them. Well, until another teacher covered her with a table cloth just as the pants were about to go.

Why didn’t I have teachers like that?

Lucky for us, one of her students was clever enough to record the whole thing on his cell phone. Which is just another reminder that you shouldn’t do anything in public that you don’t want millions of people seeing on the Internet.

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Posted on Friday, October 31st, 2008
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Joe the Plumber’s record deal

It was only a matter of time.

In a development that either shows that America is indeed the great land of opportunity, or that it’s time to hunker down in the basement as the apocalypse has arrived, the great Joe the Plumber — AKA Samuel Wurzelbacher — has signed with a Nashville-based PR firm that is exploring, among other things, scoring Joe the Plumber a major deal on a country music record label.

No, this is no joke. Well, yeah, it is, but that doesn’t mean it’s not happening.

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Posted on Thursday, October 30th, 2008
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Metallica’s “Death Magnetic” already platinum

I just got the press release below. Going platinum in six weeks is pretty impressive in an age when the CD is supposed to be dying.

And, unlike when I reviewed “St. Anger” way too quickly and gave it a grade it didn’t merit, I’ve spent weeks listening to “Death Magnetic.” It’s a good record; a solid B+, even without any choruses. Like my old Metallica-crazed cousin told me, it sounds like the record that should’ve come after “And Justice For All.”

I saw an interview with Lars in which he said, with some genuine regret, that Metallica has finally become the band Jason Newsted wanted it to be when he quit.  

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Posted on Wednesday, October 29th, 2008
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I see dead celebrities …

It’s always a bit irritating to see how much more money dead people make than the rest of us. Especially during a year when many of us may have to eat turkeys made of Top Ramen on Thanksgiving.

Well … I wouldn’t go that far. Though a lot of people don’t know that the pilgrims loved Top Ramen.

Forbes released its annual list of top earners among the dead, with Elvis clearing $52 million the past year. Not bad. Second on the list was “Peanuts” creator Charles Schulz, who made $33 million, followed by Heath Ledger at $20 million.

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Posted on Wednesday, October 29th, 2008
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Led Zeppelin without Robert Plant?

Jimmy Page recently said he, John Paul Jones and Jason Bonham would go on tour as Led Zeppelin without singer Robert Plant.

That sounds like an idea about as good as Queen hiring Paul Rodgers to sing Freddie Mercury songs.

Plant is apparently resisting getting back with the band and earning truckloads of money. Which would be noble and all if they didn’t sound great when they reunited for one show last December. Plus, I never saw Led Zeppelin and would like to trade one of my children for a floor seat. Touring under the name “Led Zeppelin,” without Robert Plant, would be a mockery of a travesty of a sham. Or something like that.

He’s simply not replaceable. Who are they going to get? I read somewhere they’re considering the guy who replaced Scott Stapp in Creed … only they knew a band even as crappy as Creed couldn’t go forward under that stupid name without the guy out front, so they changed their name to Alter Bridge. (I think that was it. Sadly, I forget to care.) Even Creed knew that … and they blow.

If they want to tour, fine. Write some new stuff and go out under another name. But just for fun, what if they did replace Plant without changing the name? Who would be the correct choice?

How about Michael Jackson? That would be the greatest thing to ever happen to rock. And by greatest, I mean the worst. I would give what’s left of my tattered 401(k) to hear him screech “Whole Lotta Love.”

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Posted on Tuesday, October 28th, 2008
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Rambo 4? Or is it 5? 6?

Sylvester Stallone says he’s in talks to do another Rambo movie. 

To which I must say: PLEASE STOP!

A few morbidly curious people went and saw Rambo (or was it 5?), and now suddenly this old actor, who gobbles steroids like my 6-year-old eats Halloween candy, has decided it’s time for another go-round. Really, haven’t we run out of ominously witty one-liners?

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Posted on Monday, October 27th, 2008
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New Guns ‘N Roses

I just listened to the new Guns ‘N Roses, mostly because someone told me it’s awful and I wanted to hear for myself. It’s not awful. It’s … OK. I guess. Not worth waiting 37 years for, or however long we waited. I found a review of the song right here that pretty much sums up my take. There’s also a link to the song itself from that story.

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Posted on Wednesday, October 22nd, 2008
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We’re picking fights with aliens?!

According to files recently released from Britain’s National Archives, an American fighter pilot flying from a British base was ordered to fire on a UFO moving erratically over the North Sea in 1957. But before the pilot could fire, the thing — which was reportedly hovering as well — took off at about a gazillion miles an hour.

This is a horrifying revelation. Not because there was a UFO, but that we would shoot at them. Doesn’t anybody watch movies? These things have DEATH RAYS! They can KILL US ALL!

In a typed manuscript from the pilot, the pilot said he was ordered to unleash a volley of 24 rockets at the craft, which he didn’t see but was lighting up his radar. He said at the time “To be quite candid, I almost (expletive) my pants.”

Yeah, I bet. Who wants to start War of the Worlds? Especially when we’re not sure whose side millions of Scientologists would line up on.

Britain’s Sky News tracked down the pilot: retired U.S. airman Milton Torres, who lives in Miami, where many other retired humans reside. He says the thing had the radar signature of something as big as an aircraft carrier. “it was so fast, it was incredible.” When he landed, he was led to a man in civilian clothes who said he couldn’t discuss the encounter with anyone, including his commander.

Someone needs to capture and interrogate Tom Cruise immediately and find out what he knows, before it’s too late.

Posted on Monday, October 20th, 2008
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Heroes & Zeros: Letterman and Dallas schools

Our Hero today has to be David Letterman who Thursday, once he let John McCain show everybody he still has a sense of humor (and he needed to), got down to business and asked some serious questions that needed asking. Letterman showed some tenacity and a side he usually keeps locked away. Of course, he may have only did it because he’s still pissed at McCain for stiffing him a few weeks back. But it was fun to watch.

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Posted on Friday, October 17th, 2008
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Exciting Miley Cyrus news!

I haven’t written on my blog in a while, so I thought I’d better start with something easy — you know, so I don’t cramp up. Plus I wanted to get the name “Miley” and “Cyrus” together so I could get some hits. Because, as you know, I’m down with the young people.

Anyway, 15-year-old Miley is about to finish her autobiography. That’s right — her life story. I’m guessing it’ll be a quick read, once you get used to the large type and little pop-up pictures. This ought to be fascinating, especially the part about the rainbows and stuff. Though I must admit, she does seem a little young to write her life story. She hasn’t even taken her dad to the Junior Prom yet.

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Posted on Thursday, October 16th, 2008
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