This has been coming on for a while, so I might as well go public and see if it makes me feel better: I think I have a crush on Justin Timberlake.

Especially once I saw him dressed as a woman, backing up Beyoncé.

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If a 21-year-old guy can’t find a hundred different ways to impress a 16-year-old girl, then he needs to give up and go back to playing with his Star Trek action figures.

But no, a guy in Florida recently took a 16-year-old girl and broke into the home of a wildlife collector – whom he once briefly worked for – to show her the man’s 150-pound cougar named … “Chaos.”

When we say cougar, we mean mountain lion. Not a half-drunk 45-year-old woman who recently had liposuction.

Naturally, Chaos didn’t like it when people invaded his territory and lived up to his name, nearly mauling the poor girl to death, while her showoff/idiot boyfriend cowered nearby, too afraid to move, much less do anything to get Chaos off her. Hearing the screams, a neighbor jumped the fence, ran into the house, and punched and kicked Chaos until he stopped trying to eat the girl.

Also sharing the home with Chaos was another mountain lion and many large snakes. So if it wasn’t Chaos, chances are something else would’ve got her. I remember being 21 and doing things I would flatly deny now if someone reminded me. But even I wouldn’t do something that stupid, no matter how empty the keg was.

This falls into the “Oh Sweet Moses I wish I would’ve thought of this first” since so many bill collectors are constantly stalking me.

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So I’m watching the E network’s “101 Most Unforgettable SNL Moments” this morning — or at least I’m trying to. I finally had to give up, because it’s so annoying.

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Most of us dream of quitting a job with a bang.

St. Anthony, Idaho Mayor — or, rather, former mayor, Bill Beck, resigned his post Wednesday night at a city council meeting after getting frustrated, and telling the crowd that they were stupid. Then he told his colleagues they were stupid.

Then he told the town to go to hell.

I like Bill Beck. I don’t care what his party or beliefs. I want to vote for Bill Beck. Unless he advocates kicking puppies or thinks AC/DC is better with Brian Johnson than Bon Scott. That I can’t go for.

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Apparently there’s a city in Turkey named Batman. And that city is suing Warner Bros. and the director of “The Dark Knight” for stealing its name.

Attorneys in Joker, Romania; Penguin, Belgium; and Riddler, Ukraine, are watching the outcome with great interest.

The city claims in its suit that it had the name long before 1939, when the DC Comic hero first appeared. Apparently the folks in Turkey don’t have TVs or aren’t very good at math. That was 69 years ago. Maybe they’ve been too busy to notice.

You think they could’ve said something by now. It can’t have anything to do with the insane profits “The Dark Knight” made last summer, a chunk of which the city of Batman thinks is theirs. The suit claims that psychological affects from the movie, and having the same name, have caused the murder rate to escalate, as well as result in a higher number of female suicides.

It also resulted in a higher number of Turkish women to wear purple outfits and smear make-up all over their faces. Well, that’s just a guess.

You know things are pretty bad when sperm banks need help.

Actually it’s not so much about money in Britain, where many men have stopped donating sperm thanks to the changing of confidentiality laws, allowing children to track down the donors later. I once knew a girl whose father helped pay his way through college by donating ”many times,” he said. This girl, who had four siblings that she knew of, always thought it was funny to speculate how many other siblings she had.

I, on the other hand, thought she was freakishly strange.

British sperm banks should just start paying people to donate, like we do here in the good old USA. With the worldwide economy tanking, It’s almost certain to help get men back in there, donating away. 

Come to think of it, I think I’m overdrawn … at the real bank.

My good friend/sister-in-law Sonia Mansfield, who used to write for the Examiner and is one of the funniest (and twisted) people I know, just compiled a list of the ten least favorite Facebook messages.

I believe she knows this because she uses them and people react with shock, as if she’s not saying they’re the LEAST favorite Facebook messages (you know, they’re bad, so don’t be offended).

Anyway, check out Sonia’s list, and extremely entertaining blog.

And, off the top of my head, let me add a few. And feel free to add to the list.

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I spoke with Chuck Billy from Testament this morning. The band’s in a bit of a renaissance that some didn’t believe possible a few years back, after shifting lineups in the 90s and Billy getting cancer in 2001.

Billy’s cancer-free, he’s happy to report, after his latest check-up. And his band is having a banner year.

New record “The Formation of Damnation” is the band’s first with the original lineup in more than a decade, with guitarist Alex Skolnick returning after fronting his own New York-based jazz trio. (He’s currently doing his annual holiday run with the Trans Siberian Orchestra.)

Even better, Testament spent the summer on the monster metal tour of the year, with Heaven & Hell, Judas Priest and Motorhead.

Billy, an Antioch resident and 1980 graduate of Dublin High, says they just returned a couple weeks ago from Mexico, where they played with Judas Priest. After a few months off they’re going to regroup and hit Europe for six-and-a-half weeks with Judas Priest and Megadeth.

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Rolling Stone has reviewed “Chinese Democracy,” the forever-anticipated Guns ‘N Roses record due out Nov. 23 (remember, America, Dr. Pepper promised us all one free can of soda if it actually came out in 2008. Don’t go counting your soda cans, yet).  Anyway, RS and its staff of cranky old music snobs – gave it four stars. Could it be that Axl and his posse (whomever they are this week) have produced a good record? 

I’ll believe it when I hear it.