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Archive for January, 2009

Dancing Wolf

For your Saturday afternoon amusement: Wolf Blitzer dancing.

Yeah, there’s not much on TV today and I’m bored enough to post that. So sue me.

Posted on Saturday, January 10th, 2009
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Squirrel chips

British people are nutty. A chip company is testing out six new flavors on the public over there, including Cajun Squirrel.

I’d think that might do pretty well over here in certain areas, though. I won’t say where because I’m tired of getting hate mail every time I make fun of West Virginia or Texas.

I’ve always said it’s not a bad idea to start mass cultivation of squirrels as food. as a behavior deterrent at the very least. I won’t eat them, but maybe they’ll get the hint and stop chasing me whenever I leave the house. Squirrels have to know their place in a civilized society.

Posted on Friday, January 9th, 2009
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Obama to appear in Spider-Man

Even comic books can’t stay away from Barack Obama.

Since our soon-to-be-president was such a fan of Spider-Man as a kid, Marvel Comics will feature him in a bonus story this month.

Apparently Peter Parker will be taking photos at the inauguration. When he notices there are two identical Obamas, he springs into action as his alter ego and administers, we can only assume, a beating pf presidential proportions on one of them.

I’m betting it’s not the real one.

Obama then thanks Spidey with, of course, a fist-bump.

Other presidents have appeared in Marvel Comics, but mostly in walk-on roles, including Richard Nixon.

Posted on Thursday, January 8th, 2009
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Dumb still alive and well in 2009

You know, I always wondered why they keep wild animals in cages at the zoo. I mean, some of them just look so cuddily and nice. And they must like humans; why else would they choose to live among us in zoos?

But now I’m starting to think maybe that’s not true. Gu Gu the panda has struck again. For the third time, the panda – who, in its defense, is probably totally cuddily – has attacked a vistor who climbed inside its cage. This time it was a guy who decided the toy his 5-year-old dropped in Gu Gu’s space at the Beijing Zoo was worth trying to retrieve, despite the 240-pound bear growling, salivating, and giggling at the thought of yet another stupid tourist coming in and screaming “Hey, wild animal, please BITE ME!”

Gu Gu previous bit a teenager in October, which you can’t blame the bear for, since most teenagers deserve to be bitten by wild animals. In 2007, a drunken tourist climbed into the pen to try and … wait for it … HUG that big ol cutie pie of a wild, salivating giant bear.

People … for the last time, DON’T CLIMB INTO ZOO CAGES WITH ANIMALS. THERE’S A REASON THEY’RE IN CAGES. They’re pissed because some jerk-off stole them from their jungle home, therefore THEY WILL BITE YOU TO DEATH IF THEY GET THE CHANCE.

 I’m starting to think that maybe those bars on the cages aren’t necessarily to keep the animals in as much as they’re supposed to keep the stupid humans out.

Posted on Thursday, January 8th, 2009
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No sleep ’til ????

There’s nothing worse than going to sleep way too early, waking up at midnight, realizing you’re awake and doomed to be a chunky mess of worthlessness the next day at work.

I mean more worthless than usual.

This is just another by-product of having a baby so damned cute, you can’t resist laying down with it and it unexpectedly goes to sleep. Then you mean to get up, but the dispicible little monster is holding your finger, which any baby magazine will tell you is a bonding, life-affirming experience between parent and child that will keep that child from doing drugs and spray-painting overpasses when it becomes a teenager.

Guess who didn’t grab his daddy’s finger as a baby?

But my grandpa made my pull his finger, which is close enough (bear with me – it’s nearly 2 a.m. and I’m fairly insane). This would be fine if I had nothing to do tomorrow. I could relax, read, watch Barnaby Jones re-runs on TV – very worthwhile stuff. But I actually do have some work to do on Wednesdays and the clock is ticking – loudly. Or maybe that’s just the giant racoon I’ve caught on the porch a couple times the past week, eating cat food and staring me down until it intimidates me to go cook it a cheeseburger.  I have to get to sleep so I can get up to take care of that manipulative finger-grabber in the morning without being so tired I accidentally put her in the washing machine.

Come to think of it, she could use a bath.

Posted on Wednesday, January 7th, 2009
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Ron Asheton R.I.P.

One could argue that there wouldn’t be punk rock without The Stooges. Then one could say there wouldn’t have been a Stooges without Ron Asheton and his nasty guitar playing.

Asheton was found dead in his Michigan home this morning. He was 60 years old. Read all about him here.

Posted on Tuesday, January 6th, 2009
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Human flying squirrels

wingsuit base jumping from Ali on Vimeo.

I have discovered the most insane human beings in the world. And, as many of us expected, they are in Norway.

Please watch this, and never ever try in at home. Because you’ll die. That said, these guys are incredible. And incredibly brave.

Posted on Tuesday, January 6th, 2009
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Sharon Osbourne “Rock of Love Charm School” beatdown

We finally have some video available of Sharon Osbourne beating down Megan Hauserman last month on VH1’s “Rock of Love: Charm School” reunion show, which aired Sunday night.

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Posted on Monday, January 5th, 2009
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Happy New Year – we’re all gonna die

I just read a really bad spy book about terrorists seting off nukes along the Yellowstone Caldera, causing it to erupt and basically destroy the U.S.

Now it looks like it’s going to happen without the nukes.

Great. And I was just going to start paying into my 401(k) again. This is like me paying off my Mervyn’s card two weeks before they announced they were going under. True story.

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Posted on Friday, January 2nd, 2009
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