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We’re all gonna die

By Tony Hicks
Wednesday, March 4th, 2009 at 2:22 pm in Uncategorized.

So while we were sleeping Monday morning, an asteroid buzzed the Earth. It only came within about 48,000 miles, though no worries.

Oh … yeah, that’s about a fifth of the way to the moon. It’s only twice the distance of some satellites.

So, while I restrain myself from screaming something like, oh I don’t know, WHAT THE F%$# ARE WE DOING WORRYING ABOUT ALL THIS LITTLE S&%? INSTEAD OF BUILDING HUGE GUNS TO BLOW UP THE NEXT ONE, I instead choose to calmly pose a very, very serious question. To wit:

What the F%$# are we doing worrying about all this little S&%? instead of building a huge gun to blow up the next one?

I’m not kidding. We just started tracking this thing in late February. Astronomer Timothy Spahr of the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics, was quoted as saying that, within an hour of the discovery, scientists knew it wouldn’t hit the earth.

Oh, well, now I feel better.

“That was pretty darn close,” he said.

Yeah. Ha Ha Ha.

What if, uh, we discovered it was going to hit us? What the hell would we do (other than running around looting and having Armageddon sex with as many people as possible)?

Well, not me, of course. I’m a happily-married man. I’d just stay home and panic.

This thing, an asteroid cleverly named 2009 DD45, is about 69 feet by 154 feet. Not so big, you say. That’s about the same size as the one that exploded over Siberia in 1908, levelling more than 800 square miles of forest. Which, if it hit a big city, would’ve pretty much sucked.

What the heck, it’s not that big a deal. I mean, it was a long time ago when that other asteroid only came within 4.000 miles of Earth, with pretty much no one knowing until the thing went screaming by. By a long time, I mean 2004. Last year, an asteroid named TC3 (named after Magnum’s chopper pilot buddy, no doubt) burned up in the atmosphere 19 hours after its discovery. We had a six-hour warning for that one.

I don’t know about you, but I kind of don’t care so much about stimulus bills, housing markets and global warming and whatnot when I hear these kinds of stories. Instead, I wonder why we haven’t spent the money crooked investors didn’t blow to build a giant space shield. Dear God – the Death Star wasn’t even finished and it had a space shield.

I don’t want to have to rely on a bunch of ragtag oil drillers, who love to party but take their craft deadly serious, to learn how to drive the space shuttle onto an asteroid, drill a big hole, stick in a nuke, and hope for the best, all to the sound of an Aerosmith song. Not that I don’t love Aerosmith. But as you know, Bruce Willis is getting too old for this s*&@.

 

I need to settle down.

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