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Archive for March, 2009

It’s either this or the lottery

I’ve often wondered how I’d do in one of those contests where you get picked to shoot a half-court shot for a million bucks.

I know how I’d do. I’d airball. And I’d rip my rotator cuff in the process, silencing the crowd with my awful beast-screams.

True story: In high school I was once playing volleyball in P.E. class. I was the last one out of the gym and, as I Ieft the court, turned and heaved a volleyball toward the opposing basket from the far baseline. SWISH. I kid you not – I SWISHED a full-court shot.

Of course, no one was there to see it … like i said, I was the last one off the court.

True story. Just ask … uh … me.

Posted on Monday, March 16th, 2009
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Top 10 ways GOP can become hip

In case you didn’t see it, David Letterman did a top ten list on how the Republican Party can become hip, per new chairman Michael Steele’s assertion that the GOP would get a hip-hop makeover.

Yes, I’m putting this on here because I need the hits. If you cared about me having a job, you’d click on this blog four or five times a day. I’ll send you a present.

Posted on Saturday, March 14th, 2009
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Insane man jumps marlin from chopper

They’re quickly running out of ways to entertain us with reality television. The next step will undoubtedly be gladiators fighting to the death on live TV.

But until then, we’ll have to be entertained by loons like Matt Watson, a New Zealander who claims to have caught 1,100 marlin. Apparently he’s bored with catching these brutes with a line and a club, so now he’s jumping out of helicopters and tackling them.

Of course, he’s parlayed this stupidity into a reality show. And you know what … I’m going to love watching it. Because I miss Steve Irwin jumping on dangerously large animals. There’s been a real void in the entertainment world since he died.

I can’t wait for Watson to screw up and accidentally jump on a great white, at which time reality television will get so much better all at once.

Posted on Thursday, March 12th, 2009
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Rock of Stupidity

I’ve had this amused fascination with Bret Michaels’ VH1 show “Rock of Love,” mostly because it’s 2009 and people still treat this guy like he’s important.

I will say I was sort of impressed by his ability to keep his career going, despite making horrible music for many many years. He makes wheelbarrows of money from his show and gets to pretend it’s still 1987 by surrounding himself with extremely stupid, plastic women who seem to actually think he wants one of them to be his girlfriend. For a while, it’s gotta be fun to have strippers and other mentally paralyzed rock chicks fight over who gets to have sex with a 45-year-old guy with hair extensions.

I love this country.

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Posted on Wednesday, March 11th, 2009
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City Council has gas

Council finds source of gas leakI really wish this would’ve happened back when I was covering various city councils. The resulting story, I’m sure, would’ve won me a Pulitzer.

Here’s footage of the Medina City Council — which I’m assuming is somewhere near Cleveland — laughing as one of its members has a case of EPG, or Embarrassing Public Gas. We’ve all been there. Or maybe not. There’s certainly a joke somewhere out there about big-winded public officials.

Yes, I feel terrible about posting this. OK – that’s a lie.

Posted on Tuesday, March 10th, 2009
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The real Dude

CNN just featured a nice profile on John Milius, the screenwriter responsible for so much classic film dialogue, from Duvall’s “Charlie Don’t Surf,” and “I love the smell of napalm in the morning,” to Clint Eastwood’s “Do I feel lucky” description of a .44 magnum, to Robert Shaw’s chilling description of being in the water while sharks pulled his fellow sailors underneath the water after the sinking of the Indianapolis.

Milius is an interesting guy – a gun nut who can’t stand Rush Limbaugh, he was reportedly the model for the Dude in “The Big Lebowski.”

Posted on Monday, March 9th, 2009
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Michael Jackson may be an imposter

This is the column I wrote today for Tuesday’s paper about yesterday’s Michael Jackson press conference. I wanted to post it today because the world is still buzzing (not really) from yesterday’s press conference. The world also has been eagerly anticipating my reaction to it (not really).

Just forget it over the weekend and read my column fresh Tuesday, like you never saw this.

I watched a replay of the Michael Jackson press conference from last week when he announced he’ll play ten shows in London this summer. And I wanted to make sure I captured my thoughts. Because seeing Michael Jackson somewhere without a lawyer or hooded children is a big deal these days.

Plus, as you know, Michael Jackson is very important to me. I wouldn’t have become a professional dancer, specializing in choreographed street-fight re-creations, if not for Michael Jackson.

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Posted on Friday, March 6th, 2009
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We’re all gonna die

So while we were sleeping Monday morning, an asteroid buzzed the Earth. It only came within about 48,000 miles, though no worries.

Oh … yeah, that’s about a fifth of the way to the moon. It’s only twice the distance of some satellites.

So, while I restrain myself from screaming something like, oh I don’t know, WHAT THE F%$# ARE WE DOING WORRYING ABOUT ALL THIS LITTLE S&%? INSTEAD OF BUILDING HUGE GUNS TO BLOW UP THE NEXT ONE, I instead choose to calmly pose a very, very serious question. To wit:

What the F%$# are we doing worrying about all this little S&%? instead of building a huge gun to blow up the next one?

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Posted on Wednesday, March 4th, 2009
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Michael Jackson comeback?

The news is spreading like a wildfire toward a B celebrity’s house. Michael Jackson is planning a series of comeback shows at London’s O2 Arena this summer.

Can we add this to the list of other supposed Jacko comebacks: The Vegas show, the comeback tour with his brothers, playing Indian Casinos with Tito … ? Haven’t we been teased enough?

Still, while Mr. Stretchy Face’s rep merely calls the reports “speculation,” she did say that they’d have an annoucement about Jacko at the arena on Thursday. Could it be …?

Really, what’s this announcement going to be? Could it be that Jacko is announcing he’s moving to yet another place he won’t really move to? Is he selling another giraffe? Is he changing faiths again? Has he impregnanted Liza Minelli? Will he co-author a series of children’s books with the ghost of Marlon Brando? Will Brando send a Native American woman to the press conference in his place? Is it another album of R. Kelley covers? Is R. Kelley’s name really spelled with an “e” before the “Y”? Is he switching genders again? Is he announcing his innocence of crimes we don’t even know about? Does he still love us all, except for the Santa Barbara police that have to examine his genitals every seven years?  Is he re-growing a new head?

Tune in here as much as possible, maybe 7-8 times a day, if not an hour, for exciting breaking updates.

Posted on Tuesday, March 3rd, 2009
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Happy news

Just to show you how desperate people are for something positive to read, I got dozens of calls and e-mails about Saturday’s “25 Reasons To Be Happy” story, which included wise nuggets like “Because Dave is still in Van Halen.” Anyway, I appreciate all the response (Lisa from Hercules, I love your messages; I’m just afraid of the day your husband decides it’s not so cute anymore).

I’d also like to thank Ann from San Leandro for her pointing out the one I’d missed “I woke up above ground today and wasn’t eating dirt for breakfast.” Because, as all of us who have eaten dirt first thing in the morning, it’s not the most pleasant meal.

Anyway, it sounds like the subject merits further pondering. It’s only through positive thinking and belief in something (anything) that people get through hard times. If anyone wants to send in more ideas, feel free to e-mail me at

Posted on Monday, March 2nd, 2009
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