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Archive for April, 2009

TV show names Hollywood’s Best Breasts!

This has been an emotional day for me. And not just because our system crashed around dawn and people are running around the office, screaming and holding their heads in their hands. 

No, we’ve been waiting on pins and needles for the announcement. And finally, today, it came …

And then the boss wouldn’t let me put it in the People Column.

But this is the Internet, where people aren’t allowed to get offended by things. So, without further ado, allow me to tell you that Access Hollywood has released its list of best five pairs of breasts in Hollywood. And frankly, I’m disappointed.

Not that there’s a damn thing wrong with Scarlett Johansson’s breasts. But, my creepy obsession aside, there’s no way on this or any other world that Salma Hayek is second to anyone in this category.

Except on this list, which rates Halle Berry third, Jessica Simpson fourth, and Jennifer Love Hewitt fifth. No, we can’t complain too much. Because, really, don’t we all win with this kind of professional achievement?

Posted on Wednesday, April 29th, 2009
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Norman Lear and the Supreme Court

Apparently Norman Lear doesn’t care much for the Supreme Court upholding the FCC’s power to ban “fleeting” so-called obscenities on television. Neither do I, to tell you the truth.

It’s not so much that I want to hear these words – and I certainly don’t want my kids to hear them. Which is why I try to steer them away from cable shows featuring bad language and violence. That’s what parents are supposed to do. I don’t care so much about bare boobs (OK, when it comes down to it, I’m in favor of them), which won’t give them nightmares and won’t lead to them swearing like Bill O’Reilly. Then again, they don’t need to go to school and talk about all the naked people they see on TV. That’s just me worrying about what people think of me.

But the idea that adults’ ears must be sheltered from certain words is just nonsense, especialy when talking about characters on television who, in real life, would use colorful language. We’re adults … we’ve heard it before and we have other things to worry about. Like stocking up on surgical masks and weapons for when the Swine Flu fills the streets with flesh-eating zombies. Which would be fine with the Supreme Court, as long as they don’t say the F word.

Posted on Wednesday, April 29th, 2009
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Creed reunites: world teeters on brink

And you thought the Swine Flu was the bad news of the week.

Creed will reunite for a summer tour. It’s a “re-birth,” says singer Scott Stapp, in typical understated style. Because a Creed reunion can’t just be a reunion. It has to have RELIGIOUS implications.


Stupid Creed. I hate Creed. Scott Stapp doesn’t even have long hair anymore, so what’s the use? Didn’t he have a beer and freak out and kill someone a couple years ago? Why is a dangerous man like Scott Stapp on the loose? Don’t get too close to him at the amphitheater this summer, 90s frat rockers. He’s unpredictable.

I hate Creed.

Posted on Monday, April 27th, 2009
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Picture of Dolph Lungren frightens robber

And they talk about Chuck Norris being scary. Some guy broke into a house in Spain and was ransacking the place, when he noticed a family photo in which the incredibly large and frigtening Dolph Lungren stood.

The guy took off. Good thinking. That’s probably why people don’t break into my house. They fear my incredible physique and awesome fighting skill. I was supposed to actually be in Rocky IV instead of Dolph, but Stallone was afraid I’d accidentally kill him.

Posted on Monday, April 27th, 2009
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Have some manners … or pay.

I’m about to drive to Sacramento to pick up my daughter for the weekend, so I figured I’d post the column I just wrote for next Tuesday’s paper … just in case any of you out there drive up I-80 today and get the idea it might be fun to cut off some guy in a Saturn. today tried to explain why certain behaviors at the office are rude. It was a laughable concept at first glance. Don’t we already know that interrupting someone while they’re talking is rude? Don’t we know we should say please and thank you?
Don’t we know that taking a chainsaw to someone’s desk at work is bad form?
So I added that last one – maybe as more of a personal reminder than anything else. But in reading this, I was stunned to realize this gaggle of information could actually be useful to some (not me, of course. I have tremendous manners, thanks to years of private school. I just sometimes choose not to use them. Like when I cut a colleague’s desk in half with a chainsaw).
According to MSN, a Public Agenda survey found 48 percent of folks only occasionally hear “please” and “thank you” from others. Sixteen percent said they “never” hear it, which probably accounts for parents spending far too much time with teens.
Typical rude behaviors were listed: bad table manners, loud phone conversations, cursing, etc. The last two must’ve been added after the writer spent four or five minutes in a newsroom. But, as simple as it all sounds, it’s something that doesn’t get discussed nearly enough. People have bad manners. And it goes way beyond this list.
While my wife was pregnant, she rode BART to work every day. Even when she was obviously showing, she’d be forced to stand on a packed train. During all those months, not one man got up to offer her a seat. Women would occasionally offer, but not one man. A friend of mine said the same thing happened when his wife was pregnant and riding the train to work.
I’ve seen men walk into restaurants just yards in front of an elderly person and not only not stand aside to hold the door, but allow it to nearly crash into them. Any waitress can tell hours of stories of people behaving as if they’re British lords just because they’re paying for a meal. And it’s a good thing auto makers don’t offer optional hood-mounted machine guns, or else local roads would be littered with bullet-riddled shells of cars, formerly driven by idiots who cut me off at 80 miles an hour without signaling (my imagination upgrades to missile launchers when I have kids in the car).
I won’t even start on what I fantasize about doing to people sitting behind me at movies, who put their feet up on the chair next to me. All I know is that someday you’ll hear a story on the news about someone running screaming from a multiplex with their feet engulfed in flames. And you’ll probably have a decent idea of who’s responsible.
The war on manners is getting worse. Thanks to technology, we have people practically screaming personal conversations into cell phones next to us at the grocery store. Folks text message during discussions. People land helicopters in my front yard while I’m trying to sleep … it’s awful.
Why should we have good manners? It’s pretty simple. Manners help define us as being civilized. They help us get along. They help us empathize with others, which brings good Karma back around. And, in case you’re sitting behind me at a movie, they keep your toes from getting cooked. That can be a big plus next time you’re standing on a BART train.




Posted on Friday, April 24th, 2009
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Awesome end of the world footage

Frankly, I’m sick of hearing about Earth Day. Coincidentally, I just stumbled upon this trailer for the film 2012 for the first time – I don’t know how I missed it before, as it seems it’s been bouncing around for months. So let’s celebrate (End of the) Earth Day, with one of the greatest scenes of computer-generated destruction ever.

Posted on Wednesday, April 22nd, 2009
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Review of new Black Sabbath record …

I mean, here’s a review of the new Heaven & Hell record, aka the band formerly known as the second version of Black Sabbath. I just got the record today (it’s officially out Tuesday, April 28) and, even though I’m no longer a full-time music reviewer, I couldn’t help but write about it. And I’m not lying when I said one of my headphones went out while listening …

The new Heaven & Hell record is so heavy, I think it blew out one of my headphones.
The band, also known as Black Sabbath with Dio, is set to release “The Devil You Know” on Tuesday. And this is not the “Neon Knights,” turnabout Sabbath of the early 80s, when some of it’s best music was made with signature nasty riffs that nevertheless — in a move seemingly designed to contrast the Ozzy years — moved faster and far more fluidly than anything the band did with Ozzy.
But it’s now a band with seemingly little to prove, which may be why these songs trudge like flaming lava down a mountainside, threatening to destroy whatever gets in the way. It was easier to revert to the earlier, slower, larger Black Sabbath. In other words, if you ever wondered what Ronnie James Dio might’ve done with “Electric Funeral,” this would be a good way to find out.
There’s not a lot of catchiness to be found, so it may take a few listens to separate mundane from classically heavy. It’s difficult even for the original God of heavy guitar, Tony Iommi, to not sound like a Tony Iommi imitator. It wouldn’t be so hard if this was a record as good as either of this incarnations first two, but let’s not throw in the towel yet. There’s plenty worth listening to.
An early favorite for best song is “Bible Black,” a title that, ironically, was among the band names singer Ronnie James Dio considered when he left Sabbath more than 25 years ago. It highlights Dio’s still-powerful voice and the band’s ability to build a juggernaut with all the subtlety of an oil freighter smashing a rowboat. Even if it’s not the best record Sabbath/H&H has made, it’s still viciously reassuring in listening to the band still making good music on its own terms, from Iommi’s screeching solos to Geezer’s Butler’s buzzing bottom end bass. Vinnie Appice’s drumming sounds more straight forward and heavier than ever, a requirement for this version of Sabbath/H&H. Dio’s lyrics, though still heavy in imagery and the usual Satanic references, seems to wade deep in modern metaphors.
The band finally picks up the pace seven songs in, on “Eating the Cannibals,” with Iommi’s searing leads coming over the fast chunk, not unlike “Turn Up The Night,” nearly 30 years ago. They go right back into thick-as-molassis mode on next song “Follow the Tears,” the record’s best headbanger, which sounds surprisingly frightening (which is saying something, coming from a longtime Sabbath fan).
Predictably, Dio rhyming “power” and “witching hour,” in second-to-last song “Neverwhere,” teeters on being a Dio parody. It’s not the first, but is perhaps noticeable because, by then, the noise factor is starting to creep in. It takes away some of the fun of the premise of last track, the pounding “Breaking into Heaven.”
All in all, it’s a solid outing from the heavy metal band that most deserves your respect. You won’t be singing these in 30 years, ala “Mob Rules,” or “Die Young.” But like an old heavyweight boxer, Heaven & Hell might be slower and less spectacular, but still packs a big punch and benefits from experience.

Posted on Tuesday, April 21st, 2009
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Russell Brand is an idiot

The following post is really meant for guys who, like me, have nothing but respect for Kristin Bell’s acting ability and hold her in the highest esteem as a human being.

Apparently Russell Brand is blind, terribly stupid, and in need of a serious beating … if the following story from is accurate.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted on Monday, April 20th, 2009
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Bill Murray assaults woman

Well, sort of. Actually, he hit her with a golf ball today during a pro-am tournament in Florida.

Murray hooked a shot on the ninth hole so badly, it actually whacked a woman in her front yard. By the time Murray found out and got to the woman’s side, the paramedics were already working on her.

But on the bright side, the woman wasn’t badly hurt and was happy upon discovering it was Murray who nearly killed her.  Coincidentally, just before the errant shot, her husband told her he wished Murray would hit her in the face with a golf ball. Well – he actually said he wished Murray would hit the ball their way. But we all know what the bugger really meant.

Posted on Friday, April 17th, 2009
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Don’t mess with John Mellencamp’s kid

John Mellencamp’s 14-year-old son Hud just won a division title in Indiana Golden Gloves boxing.

Hud – who may have the greatest first name of a rock star’s son since Dweezil Zappa – earned a 4-1 decision and gets to repersent Indiana in his weight division at the nation Golden Gloves tourney next month.

Here he is fighting last year, in case you care. There’s really not much blood – and definitely no Karate and/or nunchuks. So I know I don’t. He does look pretty good, though. They should let them use weapons.

Posted on Friday, April 17th, 2009
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