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Archive for April, 2009

My kid is brilliant, while others are not …

After my 7-year-old daughter’s masterful performance in last year’s school talent show, performing songs from “Annie” in a way that can only be described as – let me see, what’s the word? Oh yeah … GENIUS – I didn’t think she could be topped. If memory serves, I even wrote a column detailing the dramatic ups and downs of the performance because, as a longtime music critic, I recognize musical brilliance when I see it.

So I returned to the scene last night to watch her and two friends deliver a white-hot searing version of “Dancing Queen,” that left people weeping, cheering, standing on their seats, and cursing their God because they don’t have children as brilliant as mine.

I would show you the evidence but, sadly, the video camera broke just as I got out of the car. True story.

But after last year, it wasn’t so surprising that last night my kid reaffirmed the concrete notion that someday she’ll take care of dear old dad by showering him with money she makes as a professional singer. But there were otherwise some real oddities as to what constitutes “talent,” including four boys performing a dunk competition on a plastic hoop as tall as they were, a boy juggling two balls (If I can do it, it’s no trick, even in elementary school), another boy solving a Rubik’s Cube he brought on-stage (no, I’m certain that thing wasn’t rigged at all), and another kid I believe, if I’m not mistaken, running in place.

But on the other hand, there was this little pint-sized Ninja guy, who was flinging a pair of nunchuks around at high-speed while doing flips and all kinds of lethal-looking swing kicks. It was quite awesome.

But not as awesome as my kid. Trust me.

Posted on Thursday, April 16th, 2009
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Susan Boyle – WTF

You’ve probably already seen this and, if not, it’s worth seven minutes of your time.

Susan Boyle was a recent 47-year-old contestant on “Britain’s Got Talent,” the British pre-cursor to “American Idol.” We don’t even let people that old sing over here. It looked like a disaster waiting to happen once she got in front of Simon Cowell and the others.

What happened next was simply amazing, not to mention incredibly cute. And we Americans love cute – which is why Obama’s new dog has gotten more press in two days than entire wars.  I know, I know – it’s a syrupy feel-good story that has no place in this blog. Still – I can’t even think of anything mean or sarcastic to say. That’s saying something. Though I will say I was frankly frightened at how white Simon’s teeth have become. When he smiled, I fell back in my chair and screeched loudly, covering my eyes. I wouldn’t wish that kind of pain on anyone …

Posted on Wednesday, April 15th, 2009
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Octomom trademarks Octomom

The wonderfully selfless woman who, in January, gave birth to eight babies and has since gone by the name “Octomom,” is apparently trying to trademark the name “Octomom.”


America – what a country.

Nadya Suleman apparently wants to use the term to sell diapers and clothes. Because, as a parent I can tell you, most of us would be honored to be associated with woman who, with six children already at home, gets infertility treatment to have as many babies as possible. If they all have names – and we can’t be sure she has that much imagination – the odds are pretty high she doesn’t know them all.

What wonderful things she can sell with the “Octomom” trademark. Condoms, for example. And extra-large “Octomom” minivans, with an attached trailer for the other six kids. And “Octomom” sleep aids, guaranteeing that, even with eight babies and six other assorted children in the house, you’ll be sure to sleep through whatever trauma they may be needing a mother for.

The nausea prevents me from continuing on with this post …

Posted on Wednesday, April 15th, 2009
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Lindsay Lohan on eHarmony

This just in, from the funsters at Funny or Die: Lindsay Lohan is trying to show us she has a sense of humor. Does she?

I’d say … maybe. It certainly shows she’s not as emotionally crippled as some might believe. Either that, or she’s a better actress than anyone gives her credit for. Either way, it’s a good PR move for her and a good way to get some hits for the site.

And yes, I’m a 41-year-old male spending way too much time examining Lindsay Lohan.

Posted on Tuesday, April 14th, 2009
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Radioactive Peep

After discovering my habit of detonating Peeps on Easter, my friend Lisa Carr sent me this yesterday.

I wish I would’ve seen it then while it was still relevant. It’s pretty amusing, though (you may have to scroll down a bit).

Posted on Monday, April 13th, 2009
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Prince likes Salma Hayek

Prince is using the old “Charm the kid to get to her mom” trick. New song “Valentina” is named for Hayek’s 18-month-old daughter.

Prince basically propositions Hayek in the song. Then he goes after Penelope Cruz as well. Nice work. Prince must’ve liked “Banditas” as much as I did (greatest movie ever made).

I’d also like to announce that I like Salma Hayek, and would like to invite her over for dinner. My wife won’t mind — I’ll send her and the kids to the Old Spaghetti Factory or something. She’s totally cool that way.

So Salma, if you’re out there — and I know you read me religiously — please call. I need to know if you have any dietary restrictions.

Posted on Friday, April 10th, 2009
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Chimps who trade meat for sex

I don’t know why this seems like such a revelation, but National Geographic is reporting that male African chimps who share meat with lady chimps get more sex than those who don’t.

Not only that, but the males plan for the future. They share meat not only with the females who show physical signs of being ready to mate, but the ones who don’t. Good thinking – a guy has to plan for the future. It’s like the guy who drives the sweet car to show how much money he has. Which may account for why I drive a Saturn …

Posted on Thursday, April 9th, 2009
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Zac Efron’s pool party

This is actually pretty funny. It’s not quite so funny to be worth all the crazy hittage its getting on the Web, but I don’t care … just as long as I can get in on the action.

Posted on Wednesday, April 8th, 2009
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Dog would win “Survivor.”

An Australian cattle dog fell overboard its family’s boat in rough waters late last year and was presumed dead off the coast of Australia.

Nope. The domestic house dog, named Sophie Tucker of all things, actually swam five miles to a remote island in the Great Barrier Reef, and spent the next four months living off baby goats and eluding rangers by acting terribly vicious.


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If my part-cattle dog fell overboard, he’d sink like a stone or scream until a sea bass beat him into unconsciousness with its flippers. If he ever made it to the island, the baby goats would eat him.

They finally trapped this amazing dog, tracked down her family, and watched as the seemingly wild animal melting and began whining once the family showed up. Now the dog has transitioned back to domestic life with little or no trouble.

Posted on Tuesday, April 7th, 2009
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Toby Keith is angry

And you wouldn’t LIKE Toby Keith when he gets angry …

The following story came from the Associated Press today, and I couldn’t help but really enjoy it. Because I enjoy Toby Keith. Especially when he talks. And I enjoy the idea of someone beating up Ethan Hawke, even if it is Toby Keith. I’d much prefer Gary Coleman beating up Ethan Hawke, but I’ll take what I can get.


Associated Press Writer


LAS VEGAS (AP) — Ethan Hawke might want to avoid crossing paths with Toby Keith in the near future.

The country star lit into the actor for an article Hawke wrote in the new issue of Rolling Stone about Kris Kristofferson. In it, Hawke refers to a blowup Kristofferson had with an unnamed country star back in 2003 that sounds a lot like Toby Keith.

But a furious Keith, speaking backstage at the Academy of Country Music Awards, said it wasn’t true, and added that Hawke did not name him in the story because he did not want to face him later.

“I don’t know Ethan Hawke. Ethan Hawke wanted to do some kind of superficial Rolling Stone article. And he did everything he could to make his story the greatest story ever in Rolling Stone,” Keith said. “And it was a fictitious (expletive) lie. O.K?

“He didn’t even call me by my name. … He called Norah Jones, Ray Charles, everybody else by name. Willie (Nelson), Kris (Kristofferson). Why didn’t he call my name? Why didn’t he say Toby Keith walked through and said this (expletive)? Right? You know why. You know why. You know as good as anybody why. He didn’t want to (expletive) deal with the aftermath.”

In the story, Hawke claimed he witnessed the confrontation backstage at Nelson’s tribute concert for his 70th birthday at the Beacon Theatre in New York. The article does not name Keith but says it was a country singer who “had a monster hit about bombing America’s enemies back into the stone age.” In 2002, Keith had the song “Courtesy of the Red, White & Blue (The Angry American)” that threatened retribution for the 9/11 attacks.

Hawke said the argument began with the “Star” telling Kristofferson: “None of that lefty (expletive) out there tonight, Kris.”

Hawke said Kristofferson then angrily confronted and asked him if he had ever served in the military.

“Have you ever killed another man? Huh? Have you ever taken another man’s life and then cashed the check your country gave you for doing it? No, you have not, so shut the (expletive) up,” Hawke recounted Kristofferson as saying. “You don’t know what the hell you are talking about.”

A spokeswoman for Hawke did not immediately return a message seeking comment. A Rolling Stone spokeswoman said that the magazine fully stands by the story and Hawke’s reporting.

Keith directed his anger Sunday not only at Hawke but at a reporter from the Tennessean who wrote about the Hawke article and asked Keith about it backstage.

Kristofferson, in a statement, said he did not recall the incident and tried to be diplomatic to all sides.

“I would like to state for the record that I am friends with Ethan Hawke, Toby Keith and Tennessean reporter Peter Cooper. Although I do not remember the events at Willie’s birthday party as reported in Rolling Stone, what does it matter?” he asked. “That was six years ago. I spoke to Ethan before I put out my statement and thanked him for the beautiful story he wrote for Rolling Stone and I also told him I did not recall the incident at Willie’s birthday party. This is the last statement I will put out about this nonsense.”




Posted on Monday, April 6th, 2009
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