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My arm needs to be cut off

By Tony Hicks
Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009 at 9:15 pm in Uncategorized.

So I finally went to an orthopedist yesterday, after a year of escalating pain in my left shoulder that likely came about from carrying, picking up, holding, hitting, etc. my new daughter the past year. At least that’s my theory. Even if it’s not true, I’m going to tell her that for the rest of her life. It will likely have to be amputated (that’s what I’m saying now, to get sympathy from the chicks).


 

I can’t work out, I can’t hardly move my shoulder, and I certainly can’t train for my upcoming Ultimate Fighting Championship cage match with Murderous Mongo the Monkee Man with my shoulder like this. So after much scrutiny (the doctor moved it around and watched when I yelled the loudest) my doctor says I have a shoulder impingement syndrome.

He then jammed a giant needle into my shoulder full of Cortisone. Well, mostly Cortisone – there’s also some sort of local painkiller that goes in first, because these F#@$&% Cortisone shots feel like someone tried jamming a Polish sausage into your shoulder vein. I could almost feel my sadist, relatively elderly doctor’s smile behind me as he asked “Burns, huh?”.

No, I wanted to say. I’m just clenching up because I find you attractive and just now noticed your wedding ring.

Anyway, the Cortisone worked wonders … for about two hours. Then the pain came back. The doctor said it might be three days, or it might be two months. I got two hours. Ultimately, I go back in two months and may then be on a regulation of shots and exercises. After a while if that doesn’t work, they may have to shave the bone so it doesn’t grind against another bone when I move, causing all this pain.

So, if you don’t see me on cable in that cage match, now you know why. If it’s not better next year, I’ll just rip off my own arm and use it as a club.

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One Response to “My arm needs to be cut off”

  1. Selma Says:

    I hope your shoulder gets better soon and no amputation, it sucks to be in so much pain.

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