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Archive for July, 2009

LaToya searching for the real killer

It was only a matter of time.

Somebody stuck a microphone in LaToya Jackson’s face, asked her what happened to her brother, and hours of conspiracy theories followed.

Of course, it was a wide-ranging conspiracy enacted by multiple parties. she couldn’t name. Of course Michael was in perfect health, despite his house being knee-deep in pill bottles and his 10-Xanax a day habit (down from 40). It was murder to get his money. And LaToya vows to catch the killer(s).

I think she’s right. I think that scheming bastard Donny Osmond finally got his revenge.

Posted on Sunday, July 12th, 2009
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Toto cover band

I’m officially looking for good musicians who may be slightly overweight, can sing, and have either perms or various degrees of facial hair to be in my new Toto tribute band.

They have to be able to play, of course. Toto was made up of very good musicians. And owning some sort of polyster shirt and/or rainbow suspenders would help as well.


Plus they featured one of the 80s most supernaturally hot women, Cynthia Rhodes, in a video. That was more than worth the price of admission. Of course, they were doing the dancing gang members in the street just a few months before MJ in “Beat It.” Not a lot of people know that, back in the 80s, that’s how gangs settled their differences: With dramatic dance-offs.

Posted on Friday, July 10th, 2009
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Joe Jackson still plots

Great. Joe Jackson recently said in an interview that Paris and Blanket Jackson (did I really just write that?) have a future in the entertainment business, and that Blanket can really dance.

I love this interview from the BET red carpet just a couple days after Michael died, when ol’ Joe says he’s “great” and keeps referring to Michael as a great superstar the world lost, instead of, you know, his son. And, of course, there’s the priceless plug of his new record company after he pulls his new partner into the shot.


Joe Jackson is something else. He already has my vote for scumbag of the year. This guy’s last meal ticket isn’t even cold yet and he’s already plotting how to best use Michael’s offspring to make money. Great idea, Joe. Can’t one of those boys of his step up and smack the old toad? He’s freakin 77 or something. He can’t still intimidate them … can he?

C’mon Tito – step up. Randy, we’ve seen that big head of yours. Why don’t you headbutt the old man. Somebody … LaToya?

Posted on Friday, July 10th, 2009
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Russian seniors sing Britney Spears

This is an ad from Russian language company Lingway. It is either the cutest thing I’ve ever seen, or the most horrible. You decide:

Posted on Thursday, July 9th, 2009
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Michael Jackson butter sculpture

More up-to-the-minute, breathtaking news concerning Michael Jackson hysteria, courtesy of Insert Foot:

DES MOINES, Iowa – Plans for a Michael Jackson statue made of butter are churning up so many comments that Iowa State Fair organizers are putting the proposal to a vote.

Organizers announced days after Jackson’s death that they would display a sculpture of the King of Pop along with the annual butter cow, a popular fair attraction.

Spokeswoman Lori Chappell (CHAP’-uhl) says Jackson was to be part of a sculpture commemorating the 40th anniversary of Neil Armstrong’s moon landing, but the fair’s original announcement only mentioned the superstar known for his moonwalk.

Chappell says because of the overwhelming response about the Jackson sculpture, both positive and negative, the fair will conduct an online poll beginning Thursday.

People can vote at Results will be announced July 17. The fair runs from Aug. 13 to 23.

I would think now is the time for a Michael Jackson butter sculpture. If not now, when?

Posted on Wednesday, July 8th, 2009
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Sick Puppies in the rain

So I heard of this Sick Puppies band and checked them out on YouTube, after the record company sent me their CD and it looked kind of cool. Well, the bangin’ bassist on the back cover looked like Joan Jett. And anyone who looks like Joan Jett is OK in my book.


So I went and looked at the first video that popped up (sorry, embedding was disabled) and, to be honest, I was slightly disappointed. I should know better than to expect much from a young new band on a major label, but the bassist led me to believe that perhaps these kids from Australia might have a little spine. Instead, they sounded like a cross between Nickleback and some sissy Emo band (the current definition of Emo as it’s evolved, not as it started out). But it was catchy and nice to look at – and the alternative was doing some work – so I was watching the cliched storyline play out, bleh bleh bleh … and then it dawned on me:

In all my years in bands, I have never rocked out in the rain.

Actually, in all my years in and around bands, I’ve never seen a band rock out in the rain. Outside of maybe Bridge School, which doesn’t count as that show goes on no matter what happens. The stage could explode and Neil Young would still be standing there stone-faced, strumming a mandolin or something.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is that stupid bands who think it’s all dramatic to play in the fake rain, with fake lightening going off, should just knock it off. It’s been done to death and, frankly, is stupid.

And while we’re talking about Sick Puppies’ videos I don’t like, who the hell would date someone who lives on the same floor as them? And we also need to outlaw the cliche of the guy and the girl meeting in the elevator of their building, eyeing each other silently, then hooking up in a mad hissy fit of passion later. It’s fake, it doesn’t happen, and I’m sick of it.

Thank you. Now we can all get back to the hysterical mourning of Michael Jackson.

Posted on Tuesday, July 7th, 2009
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MJ’s last rehearsal

CNN just got their mitts on two minutes worth of Michael Jackson’s last rehearsal before he died. He looks pretty healthy to me. Of course what I know about health, obviously, could fit inside an onion ring. I imagine the whole thing will eventually be released at $59.99 each, making Jackson’s creditors very, very happy.

Posted on Thursday, July 2nd, 2009
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