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One of world’s dumbest husbands

By Tony Hicks
Thursday, September 10th, 2009 at 2:35 pm in Uncategorized.

So this guy, who calls himself “Conflicted,” writes to Slate’s advice columnist that he has the hots for his sister-in-law.

OK, well that happens. Can’t necessarily control where our foul minds wander sometimes. We’re men, and, generally speaking, we’re filthy animals. But this guy also can’t help but slice off a big piece of dumb and ingest it as fast as possible. I couldn’t help but find the whole thing pretty funny.

“Conflicted” admits to loving his wife, who just had a baby. They have a great life, etc. But he says she doesn’t pull off “sexy” like her sister. When his wife was pregnant, he and the sister-in-law cashed a bottle of vodka and he now thinks she’s been making eyes at him ever since (apparently someone never heard of beer goggles. Or, in this case, vodka goggles). He says she parades around in a bikini, making him tempted

OK. Again, it happens. Women know it takes almost nothing to get our attention. Men are beasts, etc.  But here’s where reality ends and real stupidity begins.

Because they share everything, Conflicted told his wife his sordid little tale. And was surprised he hurt her feelings and thinks he should clear the air with her sister.

Whoa. Does this guy not have any friends to explain women? Did he not have a father? Even if not, there’s a genetic component to a man’s brain that automatically knows things, like bean dip always tastes good, you should always stop changing the channel when you find a Burt Reynolds movie, and that you should never, ever, tell a woman her sister is hot.

Has he suffered a traumatic brain injury? Because that’s the only explanation I can think of. 

Dude – shut the hell up, as fast as possible. Shut up shut up shut up. Your wife just had a baby. That means, for at least a year, she’s legally insane. No jury on earth would convict her if she killed you on the spot. You can’t even look at another woman in front of her right now. You’re supposed to tell her how sexy she is, how nice it is to see her losing that pregnancy weight (even when she’s not), and you appreciate her, etc. Yes, of course you’ll lust after other women. But you can’t ADMIT IT!

Instead, you blurt out you’re thinking about the last person she wants to hear that about: the person she probably spent her life competing with.

Then, as if he hadn’t demonstrated enough dumbness for one lifetime, he summarizes it, sends it to a published advice columnist, and gets the story out on the Internet for millions of people to read. Why not just sign your name? Because someone will recognize the story, share it with your wife, and make her feel even worse and/or more homocidal. You will sleep on the couch until she gets into the gym, gets back the bod, and finds someone less stupid than you.

As Michael Madsen’s “Budd” said in “Kill Bill:” “That woman deserves her revenge and we deserve to die.”

Well, maybe not death.

I know someone who isn’t the brightest bulb. He once called into a radio advice show in a small town and denigraded his wife in so many embarrassing ways, it was disgusting. He also described her well enough that everyone in town knew who he was talking about. It took about seven minutes for it to get back to her. And he did this knowing she owned a gun.

For all our bluster – and I’ve been guilty of blustering with the best of them – men should generally, as a rule, keep quiet about their wives. And TO their wives when they don’t want a divorce and know it’ll just cause them pain. Just shut up. It’s one of the best things a man can learn as he gets older.

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2 Responses to “One of world’s dumbest husbands”

  1. heyjoe Says:

    I’ve got a thing or two to say about this, but I’m smart enough to keep my mouth shut.

  2. Tony Hicks Says:

    You chose your family over moving away for your job. Granted, it was the midwest, but still. You’ve earned plenty of capital with your wife. C’mon – it’ll make me happy. I know that’s important to you.

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