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Archive for November, 2009

Brilliance

Rarely should a writer publicly applaud another writer – especially if that other writer is funnier than writer No. 1. Which is why I don’t.  But Bill Simmons of ESPN wrote something in his mailbag column that made me spit something out my nose. And now I feel guilty – not because I spit on three of my co-workers, but because some of what he wrote is just plain evil. And I can’t help but find it funny. I’m like that. Anyway …

Q: What do you think would be the most awkward but (somewhat) realistic casting for a romantic comedy? I’m going with Maggie and Jake Gyllenhaal.
– Matan B., Riverside

 SG: After consulting with the Mailbag Committee, my rankings look like this:

 7. Mike Tyson and Robin Givens.

 6. Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston; Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez (tie).

 5. Jack Nicholson and Megan Fox.

 4. Chris Brown and Rihanna. Sorry. But it would be remarkably awkward.

 3. The Gyllenhaals. I like this idea because, once and for all, it would take the whole “Look, I am an actor and even though I am passionately making out with my same-sex co-star right now, it’s only because I am playing a role and not feeling any actual passion” concept to another level. Let’s say you wrote an amazing script called “Adopted By Love,” in which two people were engaged but didn’t realize that the girlfriend was given up for adoption as a baby by the parents of the boyfriend. And let’s say you offered the Gyllenhaals $60 million combined to play the lead roles and even make out a few times. If actors are always “acting” — like Jake did with Heath Ledger in “Brokeback Mountain” — how is this different? You’re an actor! Would I want to see this? Of course not. I’d throw up. But still, it’s acting!

 2. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.

 1. A romantic comedy in which John Stamos falls in love with two twins at the same time and neither of the twins knows the other likes Stamos … and the twins are played by Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. Name me anyone who has ever seen “Full House” who wouldn’t be cringing. I can’t handle it. Let’s just move on; my skin is crawling. You know this would be traumatic since I’d rather see the Gyllenhaals make out.

Posted on Monday, November 30th, 2009
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Adam Lambert is boring

Adam Lambert went nuts at the American Music Awards on Sunday night, kissing men, thrusting his crotch into dancers’ faces, and generally acting like a berserk Viking on shore leave. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted on Monday, November 23rd, 2009
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The greatest drug-fueled achievement ever

I’m not saying you kids out there should take acid before you play sports. I’m just saying it worked for Dock Ellis, who threw a no-hitter in 1970 while he was on LSD. The following video is well-done and pretty hilarious. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted on Tuesday, November 17th, 2009
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Charlie Manson hugs trees

Apparently Charles Manson just turned 75 in prison. And I totally forgot to send him a card. Sorry Charlie. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted on Friday, November 13th, 2009
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If you’ve ever wondered …

If you’re a douchbag or not, this should clear some things up (some foul language which, if it upsets you, has nothing to do with me). Read the rest of this entry »

Posted on Thursday, November 12th, 2009
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I need help

Well .. yeah.

Specifically, I’m looking for people who would like to talk – or even just e-mail me – about the time-honored tradition of screwing up the Thanksgiving turkey with an electric knife. Actually, you don’t have to have stories about screwing it up. Just good stories or thoughts. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted on Wednesday, November 11th, 2009
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Them Crooked Vultures streaming

For those of you waiting for the Them Crooked Vultures record, they’ve started streaming it. Click here.  Just hearing Dave Grohl play drums again on a full album is worth repeated listenings. Never mind how good the rest of it sounds on first listen. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted on Tuesday, November 10th, 2009
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Steven Tyler leaving Aerosmith?

This is kind of hard to believe, considering all they’ve been through the past 40-odd years, but there’s real talk that this latest spat within Aerosmith has lead to Steven Tyler quitting the band. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted on Monday, November 9th, 2009
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Best metal to wake you up

I’ve been working on a list for my blog of the best hard rock/metal songs to wake up to in the morning. As of now, the top spot is between Helmet’s “Unsung,” Anthrax’s “Fueled” or Sabbath’s “Symptom of the Universe.” Read the rest of this entry »

Posted on Friday, November 6th, 2009
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Wine? Really?

It just dawned on me that I may be actually starting to enjoy wine. Which leaves me only one conclusion: Read the rest of this entry »

Posted on Thursday, November 5th, 2009
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