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By Tony Hicks
Monday, November 30th, 2009 at 2:36 pm in Uncategorized.

Rarely should a writer publicly applaud another writer – especially if that other writer is funnier than writer No. 1. Which is why I don’t.  But Bill Simmons of ESPN wrote something in his mailbag column that made me spit something out my nose. And now I feel guilty – not because I spit on three of my co-workers, but because some of what he wrote is just plain evil. And I can’t help but find it funny. I’m like that. Anyway …

Q: What do you think would be the most awkward but (somewhat) realistic casting for a romantic comedy? I’m going with Maggie and Jake Gyllenhaal.
— Matan B., Riverside

 SG: After consulting with the Mailbag Committee, my rankings look like this:

 7. Mike Tyson and Robin Givens.

 6. Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston; Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez (tie).

 5. Jack Nicholson and Megan Fox.

 4. Chris Brown and Rihanna. Sorry. But it would be remarkably awkward.

 3. The Gyllenhaals. I like this idea because, once and for all, it would take the whole “Look, I am an actor and even though I am passionately making out with my same-sex co-star right now, it’s only because I am playing a role and not feeling any actual passion” concept to another level. Let’s say you wrote an amazing script called “Adopted By Love,” in which two people were engaged but didn’t realize that the girlfriend was given up for adoption as a baby by the parents of the boyfriend. And let’s say you offered the Gyllenhaals $60 million combined to play the lead roles and even make out a few times. If actors are always “acting” — like Jake did with Heath Ledger in “Brokeback Mountain” — how is this different? You’re an actor! Would I want to see this? Of course not. I’d throw up. But still, it’s acting!

 2. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.

 1. A romantic comedy in which John Stamos falls in love with two twins at the same time and neither of the twins knows the other likes Stamos … and the twins are played by Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. Name me anyone who has ever seen “Full House” who wouldn’t be cringing. I can’t handle it. Let’s just move on; my skin is crawling. You know this would be traumatic since I’d rather see the Gyllenhaals make out.

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