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Archive for February, 2010

John Mayer is a suck up

Yeah, John Mayer is a douche. We all know it. But since his recent Playboy interview, in which he admitted his penis is a racist (among other stupid things) he found the best, quickest way to redeem himself with America’s women (not including walking around the mall with a puppy, which works every time. Though I like to use newborn babies). Read the rest of this entry »

Posted on Thursday, February 25th, 2010
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Early Worst Adult of the Year favorite

Of course it’s only February and we have more than ten months of stupidity to wade through. But an early leader has emerged in the battle for Worst Adult of the Year 2010. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted on Tuesday, February 23rd, 2010
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Sea lions return to Pier 39

Courtesy of a Tweet from my sister-in-law Sonia Mansfield, who got her info on the KGO Channel 7 website, I’ve been made aware the sea lions are returning to Pier 39 in San Francisco, after ticking me off by mysteriously disappearing late last year (the amber alerts were a bit much). They ticked me off because I told my kids the week before Christmas that we were going to see the stupid sea lions and when we got there, no sea lions. Or maybe one … I remember now. He was laughing at me. 

Read the story here.

Posted on Monday, February 22nd, 2010
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Bullets come down

I’ve always wondered what people are thinking when they shoot a gun in the air to celebrate. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted on Monday, February 22nd, 2010
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Tiger took a bullet

Nice, fairly sincere apology from Tiger today, though the was right when saying it was fairly robotic. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted on Friday, February 19th, 2010
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The real reason to dislike Jay Leno

I’m finally back from vacation. Which wasn’t a vacation as much as it was a fabulous tour of all things kid in the Bay Area (Oakland Zoo, Exploratorium, Academy of Sciences). Then, of course, I took my daughter fishing one day, the story of which I’ll divulge in my Sunday column.

So for some reason today, I got to thinking about Jay Leno. Or, more specifically, the buudy-cop film he made with Pat “Arnold” Morita.


 As you gasp for breath at the thought, allow me to provide context. Before he became a toned down, white washed, less humorous version of Johnny Carson, Leno was a stand-up comedian and actor who, believe it or not, was kinda funny. At least in the early 80s, when he was a frequent guest on Letterman. I even saw him do stand-up once in 1985, where I remember one of his funnier routines being about that “conniving bitch Mother Theresa.”

But the edginess was all but gone by late in the decade when he started filling in for Carson and his older, eat-dinner-by 4 p.m. demographic. But even as sneaky as he was in pushing Conan out the door, there are worse things Leno has done to offend America. Mostly his attempt at transition to film.

Anyone remember “Collision Course,” 1989’s buddy-cop flick Leno made with Pat “Arnold” Morita? Two decades later, the plot sounds funnier than anything Leno was ever involved with. From

“Tony Costas, a brash, obnoxious, sexist and racist Detroit cop who has long since stopped following the rules, gets told that he will have to work with Inspector Fuji, a straightlaced policeman from Japan. Fuji is in Detroit searching for a Japanese engineer who has gone to America with plans for a top secret car part. The pair naturally fail to get along at first, but as the investigation continues, they almost begin to come close to tolerating each other’s presence.”

Wow – how could that not work? Oh right – it did. Those movies were called “Rush Hour.” Which, admittedly, came later. But – wow. Who thought this one would work?

At least Tex Cobb was in it, so there was some degree of quality.

Posted on Thursday, February 18th, 2010
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Kids and needles

I know I usually document the guilt and horror I associate with getting my little girl shots every time that happens. So if you’re sick of the story – and, really, who could blame you? – I won’t hold it against you to leave right now.

So did I mention how much it sucks whenever I have to get my kid shots?

She doesn’t like the doctor anyway. She was pissed today. She didn’t like the nurse measuring her, she didn’t like the doctor checking her ears, and she especially didn’t like him looking down her throat. It’s a good thing I made her leave her gun in the car.

Then came the shots. In the leg. One after the other. She’d calmed down by then … then the needle went in and she looked at me for a millisecond like “What the …”

Then the awful screaming started. She tried moving her leg when the evil nurse started attacking with the second needle. I felt like a traitor when I grabbed her leg to steady it while the nurse finished her cruel work.

I bought her a puppy on the way home and all was forgiven.

OK, that’s a lie.

Posted on Thursday, February 11th, 2010
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Craziest weatherman EVER

He might not just be the craziest weatherman ever, he might be the craziest person ever.

Check out this weatherman in Baltimore – I can’t remember his name because I got scared – telling the community a blizzard is coming. I live on the West Coast, and I was ready to go shelter-in-place somewhere. Thank God my stepdaughter – who has some weather-related phobias – hasn’t seen this. It would sent her into hysterics.

Before watching the clip, I recommend you turn down the volume. He seems calm at first, but that’s an illusion. It gets frightening.

Posted on Friday, February 5th, 2010
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Truly, a miracle.

One of my biggest pet peeves is the packaging of condiments. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted on Thursday, February 4th, 2010
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The passing of Moosey

I’m in mourning right now.  It’s unexpected. Well, as unexpected as euthanasia can be. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted on Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010
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