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Florida vampire running for president

By Tony Hicks
Tuesday, March 16th, 2010 at 4:27 pm in Uncategorized.

Finally, a candidate with teeth.

Thanks. I’ll be here all week.

Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey announced Monday that he’s going to file paperwork to run for President of the United States in 2012 … wait for it … as a Republican.

And Democrats thought they voted for change.

Sharkey spoke with CBS News on Friday, from a Greyhound Bus where he was with his 19-year-old daughter, 2-year-old grandson, and new fiancee – 19-year-old Audrianna Foster, whom he met – places of all places – on the Internet. She, too, is a vampire.

Of course she is.

Explaining his nickname, Mr. Impaler claims to be a direct descendant of Vlad the Impaler of Romania, also known as Count Dracula. He also once ran for governor of Minnesota, which makes sense since they thought Jesse Ventura should be governor. Imagine that, electing some musclehead with a big ego and no political experience to be your governor … 

Anyways, Mr. Impaler spoke with CBS affiliate WTSP -which may now be known as WTFH – on a variety of issues, including abortion, capital punishment (wonder if a guy with “Impaler” in his name is for it?) and veterans issues. He also spoke glowingly of how many teen girlfriends he’s had in recent years.

Well, sure. As any film or TV exec can tell you, young chicks dig vampires.

Of course, he has a criminal past and is accused of brainwashing a 16-year-old girl in Minnesota – to whom he was allegedly engaged until recently.

Hey, it’s not like a vampire named “Impaler” is anything but a bad boy.

A Republican official of the Executive Committee of Hillsborough Co. Republican Party – of which Mr. Impalement was a member in the 1990s – says he didn’t show such extreme behaviors back in the good old days. He also said – probably not knowing what the hell he was actually saying – said Sharkey does believe in Republican values and that he would help him with campaign basics, just like any Republican candidate.

The more I read about Florida, the more I want to move there. And I’m not even 80.

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