By Tony Hicks
Thursday, March 25th, 2010 at 2:45 pm in Uncategorized.
I also promised to reveal my 11 violations. It’s a day late, but here they are:
1. Jorts: l already admitted to this. I occasionally wear Jorts, also known as jean-shorts. I only have two pair and they’re nice and long. I don’t know why these nice ladies don’t like men in Jorts. Maybe the men they associate with don’t look as devilishly sexy as me when they wear them.
2. Soul patch (and various other types of facial hair). I have a soul patch and hair covering my chin. I have the soul patch because a woman once told me they’re sexy – so I immediately grew one because I usually do anything a woman says I should to look sexier. Of course, that was like seven years ago. The chin hair stays for two reasons: chin 2 and chin 3.
3. Ugly gray sweats: Yes, I have a pair. They’re cut into shorts, though. I don’t care what you say – they’re comfortable. It’s not like I’m wearing them to weddings. Well, maybe one … Besides, my wife has a pair too and we like each other fine.
4. Sports jerseys: I, too, look with disdain upon men who wear sports jerseys in public. Past the age of 22 or so, you just have no excuse. But this one’s a technicality – I own a Chris Mullin jersey I only get out for Warriors games. If it’s wrong to love Chris Mullin, then dammit, I don’t want to be right.
5. Possessing a BBQ apron: Yes, I have one. It’s camo and says “Grill Sergeant.” I laugh just thinking about it, and you should too. I’m laughing right now. Trust me.
6. Multiple tattoos: They said this was the most polarizing issue in the book, with some woman loving them and others hating them. I have six, and they’re well-done. My wife has a few too. I know I keep defaulting to her as proof these women are wrong about me (I take things very personally), but it’s all I have.
7. Using base names to describe breasts: C’mon … really? I don’t know one guy without a “Dr.” in front of his name, who calls them “breasts.” If my sister-in-law, who had breast cancer, calls them “knockers” on her blog, I don’t see the problem. This is one that confused me – are we talking about ever using other terms, or just in front of women? Because no man ever – not even doctors – says “breasts” in front of a male-only audience. Consequently, any man in his right mind will use nothing but the term “breasts” when a woman is present, or we would never see any for real. And I can say that – because this is the Internet.
8. Quote movies in character: Again, what do these women want – eunuchs? Quoting movies in character is part of a man’s DNA. Why don’t you just ask us to stop standing up when relieving ourselves?
9. Use the “You don’t know your ass from a hole in the ground” metaphor. Or is it an analogy? It doesn’t matter – men can not be fathers or grandfathers in good standing with the Man Union unless they pull out this oldie but goodie once in a while. It’s our heritage.
10. Own a cat: I’m not a cat guy, but I’ve brought home stray cats. The key, then, is to make sure they’re really cute so the women at home will take care of them. Loving animals is manly. Especially when they’re on your plate, which is another topic. Just know I don’t eat cats … unless there’s nothing else in the house and I’m too lazy to go to the store.
11. Have a dirty car: OK, so I’m a car slob. I have kids – and I use that as an excuse as much as possible. At least I’m not like my friend who once lost a tuna sandwich in his car for months.
12: Air Guitar: Whoa – I guess i lied. I have more than 11 violations. Well, apparently men can’t count, so add another to the list. But, yes, I air guitar. But never in public. That’s gotta count for something.