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11 violations of the man book

By Tony Hicks
Thursday, March 25th, 2010 at 2:45 pm in Uncategorized.

I wrote in my column yesterday about the book “Undateable: 311 Things Guys Do That Guarantee They Won’t Be Dating or Having Sex.”

I also promised to reveal my 11 violations. It’s a day late, but here they are:

1. Jorts: l already admitted to this. I occasionally wear Jorts, also known as jean-shorts. I only have two pair and they’re nice and long. I don’t know why these nice ladies don’t like men in Jorts. Maybe the men they associate with don’t look as devilishly sexy as me when they wear them.

2. Soul patch (and various other types of facial hair). I have a soul patch and hair covering my chin. I have the soul patch because a woman once told me they’re sexy – so I immediately grew one because I usually do anything a woman says I should to look sexier. Of course, that was like seven years ago. The chin hair stays for two reasons: chin 2 and chin 3.

3. Ugly gray sweats: Yes, I have a pair. They’re cut into shorts, though. I don’t care what you say – they’re comfortable. It’s not like I’m wearing them to weddings. Well, maybe one … Besides, my wife has a pair too and we like each other fine.

4. Sports jerseys: I, too, look with disdain upon men who wear sports jerseys in public. Past the age of 22 or so, you just have no excuse. But this one’s a technicality – I own a Chris Mullin jersey I only get out for Warriors games. If it’s wrong to love Chris Mullin, then dammit, I don’t want to be right.

5. Possessing a BBQ apron: Yes, I have one. It’s camo and says “Grill Sergeant.” I laugh just thinking about it, and you should too.  I’m laughing right now. Trust me.

6. Multiple tattoos: They said this was the most polarizing issue in the book, with some woman loving them and others hating them. I have six, and they’re well-done. My wife has a few too. I know I keep defaulting to her as proof these women are wrong about me (I take things very personally), but it’s all I have.

7. Using base names to describe breasts: C’mon … really? I don’t know one guy without a “Dr.” in front of his name, who calls them “breasts.” If my sister-in-law, who had breast cancer, calls them “knockers” on her blog, I don’t see the problem. This is one that confused me – are we talking about ever using other terms, or just in front of women? Because no man ever – not even doctors – says “breasts” in front of a male-only audience. Consequently, any man in his right mind will use nothing but the term “breasts” when a woman is present, or we would never see any for real. And I can say that – because this is the Internet.

8. Quote movies in character: Again, what do these women want – eunuchs? Quoting movies in character is part of a man’s DNA. Why don’t you just ask us to stop standing up when relieving ourselves?

9.  Use the “You don’t know your ass from a hole in the ground” metaphor. Or is it an analogy? It doesn’t matter – men can not be fathers or grandfathers in good standing with the Man Union unless they pull out this oldie but goodie once in a while. It’s our heritage.

10. Own a cat: I’m not a cat guy, but I’ve brought home stray cats. The key, then, is to make sure they’re really cute so the women at home will take care of them. Loving animals is manly. Especially when they’re on your plate, which is another topic. Just know I don’t eat cats … unless there’s nothing else in the house and I’m too lazy to go to the store.

11. Have a dirty car: OK, so I’m a car slob. I have kids – and I use that as an excuse as much as possible. At least I’m not like my friend who once lost a tuna sandwich in his car for months.

12: Air Guitar: Whoa – I guess i lied. I have more than 11 violations. Well, apparently men can’t count, so add another to the list. But, yes, I air guitar. But never in public. That’s gotta count for something.

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7 Responses to “11 violations of the man book”

  1. Sonia Says:

    Does this crap apply to women as well?

    I use the term “knockers” all the time instead of “breasts,” and I have knockers, errr, I mean breasts.

    Also, I often quote movies in character. “No reward is worth this.”

  2. thicks Says:

    And will somebody please get theis giant walking carpet out of my way?

  3. Mary Beth Inderbitzen(Ambrose) Says:

    Ok read the column yesterday and laughed so hard!!! 1st of all my boyfriend has a hairy back and chest….which he used to shave. Trust me…hairy is better than stubble rubbing up against you!!!! Also…I quote movies all the time…does this make me an undatable man???

  4. Koop Says:

    You will get nothing and like it!

  5. David L Delgado Says:

    If you ever want to make a counter book concerning women, please do so! I f you need to make up a ghost writer or something. Women have been trying to label us and castrate our manliness(is that a term) for generations.

  6. souldogdave Says:

    Whenever the “women’s magazines” make lists, it just highlights the inequities in life. They watch Oprah every day, but we are vilified for football. They love DiNozzo, but WE can’t quote the movies. And you missed one, the baseball cap. I always hear women I wouldn’t date on a bet complaining about a baseball cap on men over 25. These are usually the fat, mean women you wouldn’t want to know anyway. Find a REAL woman who won’t generalize.

  7. ltg Says:


    1. The style of shorts matters. I can’t imagine discriminating against denim.
    2. Definitely not keen on the soul patch. Seems like that piece of real estate is no longer a soul patch in my mind if other facial hair is present, though.
    3. Love men in sweats.
    4. Sports jerseys at the game silly, but fine. Sports jerseys out to a movie…No.
    5. If you’re laughing at the apron and laughing thinking about the apron, excellent. If you’re wearing it ‘cuz you’re worried about spattering your jorts, insert eye roll here.
    6. Tattoos definitely depend on quality of artwork and reasoning/meaning behind.
    7. Any word is fine so long as it is spoken with the reverence and admiration appropriate to the body parts in question. :->
    8. I quote movies all the time. What’s the problem? Gotta admit, though, that “Giggity” passed from funny to irritating a long time ago.
    9. Failing to see the problem with this one.
    10. Agreed. Loving animals *is* manly. And shows me how much a guy can love a being that loves him back, but doesn’t drool over him 24/7.
    11. Define “dirty”? The rolling dumpster? Definitely a turn off. Spotless freaks me out unless accompanied by “I finally got time to wash the car.”
    12. Air guitar is funny and cute for a song or two. When other humans are present, air guitar as an excuse to ignore them for long periods of time is very high school.

    I think I’ve talked myself into a great respect for context. And further proof that any statement that starts by lumping all men or all women into a single category is false right up front.

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