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The unkillable cow

By Tony Hicks
Tuesday, January 4th, 2011 at 4:04 pm in Uncategorized.

And they laugh at me when I tell the story of how I had to run screaming from the cow that tried to eat me.

A 70-year-old man in Florida was working on his fence Saturday when he was attacked by a cow.

This is why I don’t feel so bad about eating them. They’re dangerous man-eaters.

Poor Oscar Wilcox started screaming, alerting his wife, who came out in her truck and began ramming the cow (apparently she wasn’t concerned that she just might hit her husband instead, but let’s not digress).

Wilcox had already shot the cow once with his .22 pistol, which apparently just made Jason the Cow more angry. So after the wife hits the thing with the truck – which didn’t work – she picked up the gun her husband dropped on account of a cow trying to eat him and starting shooting it in the face.

And THAT didn’t even stop the cow.

Finally the thing was contained – undead – in a nearby pasture, while the rancher was flown to a hospital, where he was listen in critical condition Tuesday. Apparently this wasn’t the first time it attacked someone.

I don’t know about you, but the first time one of my cows attacks me would be the last. That thing would be on the dinner table about six hours later.

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3 Responses to “The unkillable cow”

  1. seabisquick Says:

    “Jason” the cow? Did this couple have anything to do with “Barnyard,” the film where cows were voiced by men?

  2. Holly Says:

    I sent this to a cow-orker a few years ago after he had an unfortunate incident with a bull. How to avoid being eaten by cows:

    1. Avoid smearing yourself in oats unless absolutely necessary.
    2. If threatened by a cow, climb a tree. Cows, usually excellent climbers, refuse to share trees with anything else.
    3. Carry a large automatic weapon with you whenever walking past a field or pasture.
    4. Become a microbiologist and develop a cow form of myxomatosis.
    5. Become an electronics whiz and build a battery-powered thingy that repels cows by means of ultrasound.
    6. Become a physicist and repel cows. And everything else.
    7. Carry a tin whistle in your shirt pocket or handbag and practice cow-charming techniques to buy time to escape, should you be threatened.
    8. Move to Siberia. As far as I know, no cows live near there.
    9. If you can’t beat them, join them: Whilst cows may be vicious, they are civilized creatures and the idea of cannibalism disgusts them. Rather than just getting another pullover from your granny next Christmas, ask her for a cow costume instead.
    10. Do everything in your car. Eat in it, sleep in it, perhaps even travel in it. Never leave your car. Remember to check it for cows first.
    11. Go on a safari holiday to Africa, go to see the lions and jump out of the Land Rover into the middle of a hungry pride. I’d like to see a cow try to reach you then.
    12. Contract Anorexia Nervosa and wear tight clothing to make sure the cows realize they’d be wasting their time eating you.
    13. Sneak onto the set of a film about the middle ages and steal some chain mail.
    14. Ask God to reconsider whether they were worth putting on the planet in the first place. Be polite.
    15. Make friends with lots of plump, tasty-looking people. Hang about with them all the time, after making sure you can run faster than all of them.
    16. Do not mistake cows for horses. Horses will allow themselves to be petted and stroked and even hand-fed whilst cows will take your arm off at the first available opportunity.
    17. Do not accept any offers from shifty-looking blokes in cars who inquire as to whether you would like to come with him to see some baby cows.
    18. Learn Judo or Karate. Practice sparring only with very broad people.
    19. Buy a few steaks from Costco and string them around your neck along with a few bones and a horned helmet (cow horns, naturally). Walk around half-naked covered in warpaint with a large knife and a collection of fearsome facial expressions. They ought to get the idea then.
    20. Live solely on garlic, onions, leeks, kebabs, truffles, beetroot and Ferrero Rocher. Never brush your teeth, breathe through your mouth and you should be safe provided you never holiday in France.
    21. Carry several different types of underarm deodorant with you throughout the day. Keep changing your smell so that cows cannot follow your scent and track you to your home.
    22. Never write any novels denouncing cow deities. If you do, apologize and go into hiding.
    23. Constantly chew at least ten sticks of gum simultaneously. Keep dropping lumps so that any inquisitive cows will have their mouths glued shut.
    24. Marinade yourself in white wine, strip naked and drape yourself invitingly on a large plate. The cows may think it a little too good to be true and will stay away, suspecting a booby-trap.

  3. David L Delgado Says:

    wear a t shirt that says “eat more chicken”

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