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Hicks: Latest proof civilization is doomed

By Tony Hicks
Sunday, January 23rd, 2011 at 7:25 pm in Uncategorized.

It’s short and to the point.

While perusing various sites Sunday night to see if I could come up with a better idea for a column than the one bouncing around my brain (I didn’t), I found this headline on the Huffington Post:

Mark Sanchez Picks Nose, Wipes It On Teammate Mark Brunell During Jets-Steelers Game (VIDEO)

Now, I have a lot of respect for the Huffington Post. I enjoy it. It’s an effective and literate clearinghouse for a wide variety of interesting news that doesn’t rely on drawing pictures in crayon to make sure its viewers understand what it’s talking about.

But … the nose-picking beat?

Right, on the surface that’s just wrong. You know why? Because its not news worthy.

It’s not news worthy because nose excavating is – let’s face it – as natural as hating the government

Now I will say right now that I am not advocating nose-picking. I feel it’s a private issue between the picker, his family, and his God. But there’s a couple problems with this. While the activity is – at least in America – generally regarded as disgusting (no, I can’t vouch for the French), at some point you have to just get over it.

 You know why? Because everyone does it.

Stop lying. I do, you do, the president does, that hot girl you keep seeing jogging through the park does. It happens. Noses itch, they get stuff lodged in them that require extraction that can’t be executed by anything other than a finger … whatever. We all do it, which is why no one can really complain.

If you deny what I just wrote, well  … you’re in denial. Just today I saw a good-looking person I respect quite a bit, absent-mindedly and briefly, go to the nose. I’m thinking – hoping - it was a quick itch.

But – itch, or extraction, or repugnant habit born of ill-advised beginnings … It’s all nose-picking.

Second reason is that, if you have kids, you have become immune to this activity. Kids do it as soon as they’re old enough to realize a finger fits in that funny hole in their face. There’s no stopping them. In fact, you show me a parent who hasn’t realized – when they’re just about to meet with someone and/or present their child to someone they wanted to impress, that a parent – bereft of tissue – didn’t desperately jam their own finger in there to clear away the disgusting obstruction they just discovered, before someone notices it and judged them accordingly.

I’d like to think they go wash their hands afterward. In fact, I’d like to believe someday there will be a law about washing within 30 seconds.

Now, here’s the difference beween basic human nose-excavator and a disgusting creature with filthy habits.

Do you wash? Do you at least try to hide it (that’s a big one) ? If someone catches you, do you make a nervous joke or, when all else fails, apologize? If you do any of the afformentioned, you’re OK in my book. It happens.

Of course, this whole thing was kicked off by an athlete doing it and  – uh – wiping the result on a teammate. Which is disgusting … to women. Guys laugh at that sort of thing. Well, 9-year-old guys laugh at that, but what are you going to do? They’re jocks. Jocks still think Garfield is funny.

America needs to worry about bigger issues than this. Like ill-advised scratching.

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