By Tony Hicks
Friday, April 1st, 2011 at 1:44 pm in Uncategorized.
What an awesome day it’s been. Because you care – no really, you do – allow me to explain.
Again, the child got in bed with us last night without my knowledge, forcing me to sleep in an awkward fashion once I discovered her. I woke up with my neck feeling like someone broke in and slammed a 2X4 over it. Which maybe my wife did, who knows? It wouldn’t be the first time a woman assaulted me.
So I’m not feeling great. And my asthma decides to start screwing with me. Then the dog throws itself at my feet and rolls onto its back, wanting a belly scratch. So I start scratching – and the little bastard decides to pee all over my arm. Gary Bogue says it’s the dog showing it accepts my dominance. I’m pretty sure he was just showing how he enjoys being a little prick.
So my wife takes the older child to school, because I’m sucking wind. And I look over and the 2-year-old has mom’s lipstick and is trying to put it on the cat. Which would’ve been funny if the cat had a sense of humor. She doesn’t – we watched Caddyshack a few weeks back and she didn’t laugh once.
So I confiscated the lipstick, got the girl out of the house, came to work, and got my check stub. I was on furlough last week, so I expected a check half the size of my normal one, which is so big I can almost pay my bills every two weeks, but not really. It’s about a third the size of my regular check, which panics me. I forgot about those fixed deductions that don’t change percentage-wise just because you work fewer hours. I knew health insurance was a bad idea …
Did I mention I was already overdrawn?
So I go around the room collecting cans and bottles to take to the recycling place because I’m starting to consider how I can get away with robbing a 7-11.
Then again, it could be worse. I actually have a job to complain about. We could have an earthquake, tsunami and leaking plutonium to deal with. To the best of my knowledge, all my organs are functioning properly and my kids are pretty healthy. So I think I’ll just take my cans and bottles home and shut up. At least it’s Friday.