To all lifeguards who were ever on duty while the eight-year-old me was in the pool:

I apologize for all of the afternoons I spent with my friends seeing who could float like a dead person or stay on the bottom of the pool the longest. I have to admit, it was a pretty fun way to spend the afternoons. But after spending one of my first days as a lifeguard breaking up 8th grade “dead man float” competitions, I realize that I’m probably responsible for a few heart attacks.

And a future warning: at public pools, please don’t pretend to be dead. It sounds obvious enough, but most people never realize the harm until they step up into the guard chair. After all that practice, you might be too convincing and cause a big mess. Plus, going off the diving board is much more fun anyway.